All Our Universes

[MoneySpider]

Episode 12: “Not Today, Satan, But Maybe Tomorrow We’ll Have Lunch!”

Just when you thought it was safe to run to the bathroom…
She’s waiting for you…
She’s watching you…
Ever hear of the Lady in the Lake?
Well, this is the Lady in the Toilet.
Don’t go Number One!
Don’t Drop a Deuce!
Don’t Flush the commode!
Because if you do…
She’ll rise out of the water and tickle you!
She is…The Toilet Tickler!

Marilyn Jiwe McCabe finishes watching the movie trailer for “The Toilet Tickler” and shakes her head, wondering why Hollywood would waste millions of dollars on a movie like that. She continues flipping through the channels, hoping to find a decent movie, or a decent TV show, but she doesn’t find anything worth watching.

She turns off the television, picks up the novel she’s been reading and is about to continue reading about a hunch-backed detective named Bobo who is always getting bent out of shape when the doorbell rings. When Mari opens the door, she is not ready for what she sees.

“Hi, sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you’ve seen my apartment?”

Mari thinks the question is ridiculous, but she also thinks the man asking the question is devilishly handsome, so she decides not to slam the door in his face.

“No, I haven’t seen your apartment, Mr…?

“Oh, I go by many names.”

Mari: “What’s the name you prefer?”

“Satan.”

Mari: “Very funny.”

Satan looks around and then frowns. “I’m not joking. I’m Satan.”

Mari: “Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. And I’m Rihanna.”

Satan: “Well, to be completely honest, you do look a LOT like her. You just have a darker complexion than she does. But anyway, back to my original question: Have you seen my apartment?”

Mari: “No, and I don’t want to.”

She slams the door in his face, turns around and sees Satan standing in front of her.

Satan: “Because it’s missing, and I can’t find it. Mind if I wait here until it shows up?”

Mari: “Yes, I do mind. I don’t want the devil in my apartment.”

Satan: “I won’t bite. At least not for a few hours, anyway. I hope I didn’t interrupt your evening.”

Mari: “You did, actually. My boyfriend is on his way over and we’re going to have Date Night.”

Satan: “Stop lying, Mari. We both know you don’t have a man.”

Mari: “Yes I do!”

Satan: “Mari, come on. It’s me. It’s Satan! I’m the Prince of Lies! I know a lie when I hear one. You’re just saying you have a man in order to scare me off and get me out of your apartment. You don’t have a man, because most men are intimidated by your beauty and think they don’t have a chance with you. And the men who are bold enough to approach you are usually lunatics.”

Mari: “I feel like my palm’s just been read.”

Satan: “I almost know you better than you know yourself. I’ve known your entire family for generations. Your entire family has served me well.”

Mari: “Wait, what? There’s only one entity my family has ever served, and that’s… ANANSI!”

“Satan” suddenly transforms into Anansi the Trickster God, who now smiles at Mari.

Anansi: “Just having a bit of fun with you, Marilyn. No harm done.”

Mari bows to him.

Mari: “What is thy bidding, Anansi?”

Anansi (doing his best Emperor Palpatine impression): “There is a great disturbance in the Red.”

Mari (doing her best Darth Vader impression): “I have felt it.”

After they both laugh, Anansi becomes serious.

Anansi: “I am giving you an A.I. component to your Tantu Totem. I figure that since we are now in the age of Siri, Alexa and Google Assistant, you as my champion should have your own A.I. assistant. Her name is Nancy, and you can activate her by simply saying “Uh, Nancy. This A.I. will rival even that of the rings of the Green Lantern Corps.”

Mari once again bows. “Thank you, Anansi.”

Anansi: “Oh, look, my apartment’s back.” He transforms into a Jumping Spider and jumps out of sight, only to vanish a few moments later. A few moments later, Mari wakes up, realizing that she had fallen asleep reading her book.

But was it all a dream? “There is only one way to find out,” she thinks to herself. She touches the totem around her neck as she thinks about Anansi, and suddenly she says “Uh, Nancy?”

Uh Nancy: “Yes, Mari?”

A feeling of relief washes over Mari, because she realizes that Anansi HAD visited her to give her this gift.

Mari: “What time is it?”

Uh Nancy: “Right now, the time is 7:57 p.m.”

Suddenly, the REAL Satan appears in front of Mari.

Satan: “Hey. Wanna hang out?”

Mari: “Not tonight, Satan!”