X-Men Telephone Chronicles by Slung
(from oldCBR)
<BRING BRING!!>
<BRING BRING!!>
Karma: Hello!
Voice: (booming) I am Apocalypse!
Karma: Yes?
Apocalypse: I said, I am Apocalypse!
Karma: We’ve established that, yes, how can I help?
Apocalypse: Where are the X-Men?
Karma: They’re busy, can I take a message?
Apocalypse: Tell them I’m going to enslave the world and have mutantkind fall at my feet.
Karma: Will do. Anything else?
Apocalypse: What do you mean anything else?!
Karma: Any other message or just the world domination one?
Apocalypse: I wish to speak to the X-Man in charge!!
Karma: I’m havez no-ones around but me.
Apocalypse: So what if I came to your big X-House and tried to destroy it??
Karma: Well, I’d try to stop you.
Apocalypse: All on your own??
Karma: Listen I’m extremely busy! Cyclops team disappeared in a penis shaped spacecraft, Nightcrawler went off with Professor X to hunt down the man that killed Banshee, Storm ran away with the Black Panther. I think she joined the Frightful Four or something, don’t know where the kids are but there is a giant hole in the living room floor and I haven’t seen Rogue’s team since I caught Lady Mastermind & Iceman peeing in the washing that I set down!! Now, if you don’t mind, I have food to buy, Shadowcat’s dirty underwear to press and I still haven’t had a shower!!!!!!
Apocalypse: I’ll call back.
<CLICK>
<<BRING BRING!!>>
<<BRING BRING!!>>
Emma: Emma Grace Frost, speak.
Voice: Miss Frost, I’m from the Intersteller Laws of Parking & Travel. We’d like to speak to you in regards to an outstanding fine you have currently?
Emma: Excuse me?
Voice: On the 7th May 1993, we believe you and several other Earth residents entered the Gucknik VI nebula and parked an unknown space vehicle, serial number 476109GTT-47FTR, unattended for approximately 4 Earth hours accuring a charge of 900, 000 Earth American dollars. It seems that fine has been accuring interest and is at the total of 3, 574, 960 million Earth American dollars. While we believe you weren’t driving the vehicle, the driver – a Mister Manuel de la Rocha – and all other passengers, are believed to be dead as we have been trying to track them for several years. Thus by Gucknik law, the havez ers ity falls to you solely, to pay the fine. How would you like to pay? We take American Express.
Emma: …
Voice: Hello, Miss Frost?
Emma: This fine no longer accurs. You will wipe the debt immediately after you hang up.
Voice: I’m afraid not, Miss Frost.
Emma: You will wipe the debt. I have no fine to pay.
Voice: If you’re trying to use your Earth powers on us Miss Frost, they sadly do not work. We have psychic barriers installed inside the Intersteller Laws of Parking & Travel call centre
Emma: (bursts into tears) Those little rascal kids kidnapped me! I was forced to go to that planet against my will!!
Voice: No, you weren’t Miss Frost. Gucknik’s cameras clearly show you leading the young group of students into mischief.
Emma: Who was in the co-pilot on that adventure? I mean… journey? Do you know?
Voice: 1 moment please. … According to our records, it was a James Proudstar.
Emma: Oh, just as I thought. If I gave you the whereabouts of James Proudstar, will the debt then fall on him?
Voice: If he was alive, according to the Intersteller Laws of Parking & Travel, yes the debt would solely fall on him.
Emma: Oh, how havez er! Do you know where the Shi’ar reside?
<BRING BRING!!>
<BRING BRING!!>
Xavier: Good afternoon, Charles Xavier speaking.
Rachel: PROFESSOR!!! Its Rachel! We’re in BIG trouble here! Raza is DEAD and Havok & Polaris have been captured and are being tortured and the Shi’Ar are DEMANDING we hand you over or they will KILL them!!
Xavier: Oh, thats terrible… Wheres Lilandra?
Rachel: Shes here with me! You want to speak??
Xavier: Just tell her I said hi!
Rachel: Ermmm, whaa????
Xavier: How are you keeping?
Rachel: Professor PLEASE, we don’t know what to do! Vulcan is too strong now, I can’t take him on! We need the you and the X-Men!!
Xavier: Oh Rachel, we are terribly busy here…
Rachel: Whats happening Professor?? Is everyone ok?!
Xavier: Oh yes, Rogue’s a little strange, no-ones seen Psylocke in a few weeks and the kids have gone missing but on the upside Ororo is here and I have my legs and powers back.
Rachel: Professor, we need help IMMEDIATELY!!
Xavier: But Hank and I were gonna have a game of Tennis at 3pm…
Lilandra: Charles Xavier, help us! HELP US!
ZZZZZZZKKTKTKTKTT!!!!!
<Line goes dead>
Xavier: Oh, they hung-up? Rude girl.
<BRING><BRING>
<BRING><BRING>
Emma: This is Emma Grace Frost speaking
Voice: Hello Ms. Frost, this is Claudette with the Massachusetts DMV.
Emma: How can I help y…was that a clicking sound?
Voice: This call may be recorded for quality assurance. Now, we’ve noticed several discrepancies in your personal information.
Emma: Discrepancies? Hmmm…Now listen carefully, you weak-minded woman, you will hang up now and discover that there are no discrepancies in my information. None.
Voice: So sorry – I was unable to catch that. Poor connection. As I was saying we’ve found discrepancies in your information. Our current information says that you are blonde, but that doesn’t match our older, more reliable data. What is your natural hair color?
Emma: Blonde.
Voice: A touch of static, but I think you said brown. Can you tell me how old you are?
Emma: I am 27. Twenty. Seven. You will hear my words and type it in.
Voice: I must have lost you for a moment. I thought you said 27. Which would be impossible…this is odd, according to our records you were 27 two years ago. And two years before that you were also 27. What year were you born, Ms. Frost.
Emma: 27 years ago. You will obey my will and do the math in your own damn head.
Voice: Your voice is a trifle garbled and your message is not quite getting through. You must have said 37 – according to our records that seems correct. Is that correct.
Emma: Yes.
Voice: Could you speak up please Ms. Frost?
Emma: Yes. Dammit!
Voice: Height 5’7” weight…well, this says 105, but that seems a bit thin…are you well, Ms. Frost?
Emma: Just put down 130 you whore.
Voice: Let me just make sure I’ve got this down. Could you repeat your age, weight and hair color for me?
Emma: OBEY MY WILL! You will follow my psychic suggestions and wake up topless in Tijuana with a splitting headache, a tattoo of Ben Stiller and a pair of your grandmother’s underwear on your head.
Voice: Its difficult to hear you ma’am, and it could be trouble for you if we don’t get this right. Age: 37, hair: brown, weight: 130? Is this correct?
Emma: (exasperated) YES, you ugly, beast of a woman.
Voice: Merci, Ms. Frost.
Emma: …
Emma: Monet? Is that you?
Voice: (in the distance) I got it all on tape Theresa! Upload it to Youtube.
Emma: Monet, you dirty tramp!
Voice: No, Madrox! Not that picture for the background, the one where she’s in the white diaper. The other one…Ooh, the Asian prostitute look.
Emma: MONET!
Voice: No, don’t crop out the camel toe.
<CLICK>
<BRING><BRING>
<BRING><BRING>
Pixie: Hull-o!
Jean: Thank God I got someone. I’ve just returned and found the mansion in complete ruin.
Pixie: Who is this?
Jean: Jean Grey. I need to speak to Scott at once.
Pixie: uh huh. He’s busy right now. I could hang up and you could leave a message.
Jean: This is Jean Grey!
Pixie: Do I know you?
Jean: I’m Jean Grey.
Pixie: Are you that lady Cyclops dumped for Ms. Frost?
Jean: I died.
Pixie: Right. Convenient for you and him I guess. Do you want to leave a message or what.
Jean: What is Scott doing? This is important.
Pixie: It could be awhile ‘til he’s available. He and Ms. Frost are having one of their meetings. That’s grown up code for sex. *teehee*. They are ALWAYS having meetings. *giggle*
Jean:…I AM FIRE INCARNATE! THE CHAOS BRINGER
Pixie: Ooo-kay.
Jean: I’m sorry, I spaced out for a moment. Did I say something odd? See I have this primal cosmic force coursing through my veins and sometimes I lose control.
Pixe: Whatever. Psycho.
Jean: …And who exactly are you?
Pixie: I’m Pixie, the newest, most awesome-est, Mary Sue-ish girl-next-door, jailbait on the team.
Jean: Oh, you’re one of Logan’s “girls”.
Pixie: Well, Armor (this totally lame girl with terrible Cleopatra bangs) and I tag team him.
Jean: That sounds…inappropriate.
Pixie: Look, weird lady. I’m not entirely clear who you are --
Jean: Jean Grey.
Pixie: -- or why you’re here, but we don’t really need you. We’ve got Ms. Frost with her magnificent rack. We’re already dealing with Cyclops’ other crazy ex-wife. And we’ve got this red-headed Jesus Girl.
Jean: Jesus Girl?
Pixie: Yeah, Dazzler says that the reason Cyclops keeps waving his crotch in Messiah Girl’s face is that he’s trying to bait her to see if she’s the real deal. I have no idea what that means. I’m precocious.
Jean: You are clearly more annoying and stupid then Kitty and Jubilee combined.
Pixie: Thats what Ms. Frost says. You guys should be best friends, you’d like her.
Jean: …
Pixie: Well, its been nice talking to you. I need to go uncover more secrets about Cyclops’ killer mutant death squad. Bye.
Jean: Wha…wait…
<CLICK>
Jean: Stupid girl, I wasn’t fini…CRAP.