The Funny Room: X-Men jokes, pics, videos and parody.

[vitamin]

X-Men Telephone Chronicles by Slung
(from oldCBR)

<BRING BRING!!>
<BRING BRING!!>
Karma: Hello!
Voice: (booming) I am Apocalypse!
Karma: Yes?
Apocalypse: I said, I am Apocalypse!
Karma: We’ve established that, yes, how can I help?
Apocalypse: Where are the X-Men?
Karma: They’re busy, can I take a message?
Apocalypse: Tell them I’m going to enslave the world and have mutantkind fall at my feet.
Karma: Will do. Anything else?
Apocalypse: What do you mean anything else?!
Karma: Any other message or just the world domination one?
Apocalypse: I wish to speak to the X-Man in charge!!
Karma: I’m havez no-ones around but me.
Apocalypse: So what if I came to your big X-House and tried to destroy it??
Karma: Well, I’d try to stop you.
Apocalypse: All on your own??
Karma: Listen I’m extremely busy! Cyclops team disappeared in a penis shaped spacecraft, Nightcrawler went off with Professor X to hunt down the man that killed Banshee, Storm ran away with the Black Panther. I think she joined the Frightful Four or something, don’t know where the kids are but there is a giant hole in the living room floor and I haven’t seen Rogue’s team since I caught Lady Mastermind & Iceman peeing in the washing that I set down!! Now, if you don’t mind, I have food to buy, Shadowcat’s dirty underwear to press and I still haven’t had a shower!!!!!!
Apocalypse: I’ll call back.
<CLICK>

<<BRING BRING!!>>
<<BRING BRING!!>>
Emma: Emma Grace Frost, speak.
Voice: Miss Frost, I’m from the Intersteller Laws of Parking & Travel. We’d like to speak to you in regards to an outstanding fine you have currently?
Emma: Excuse me?
Voice: On the 7th May 1993, we believe you and several other Earth residents entered the Gucknik VI nebula and parked an unknown space vehicle, serial number 476109GTT-47FTR, unattended for approximately 4 Earth hours accuring a charge of 900, 000 Earth American dollars. It seems that fine has been accuring interest and is at the total of 3, 574, 960 million Earth American dollars. While we believe you weren’t driving the vehicle, the driver – a Mister Manuel de la Rocha – and all other passengers, are believed to be dead as we have been trying to track them for several years. Thus by Gucknik law, the havez ers ity falls to you solely, to pay the fine. How would you like to pay? We take American Express.
Emma: …
Voice: Hello, Miss Frost?
Emma: This fine no longer accurs. You will wipe the debt immediately after you hang up.
Voice: I’m afraid not, Miss Frost.
Emma: You will wipe the debt. I have no fine to pay.
Voice: If you’re trying to use your Earth powers on us Miss Frost, they sadly do not work. We have psychic barriers installed inside the Intersteller Laws of Parking & Travel call centre
Emma: (bursts into tears) Those little rascal kids kidnapped me! I was forced to go to that planet against my will!!
Voice: No, you weren’t Miss Frost. Gucknik’s cameras clearly show you leading the young group of students into mischief.
Emma: Who was in the co-pilot on that adventure? I mean… journey? Do you know?
Voice: 1 moment please. … According to our records, it was a James Proudstar.
Emma: Oh, just as I thought. If I gave you the whereabouts of James Proudstar, will the debt then fall on him?
Voice: If he was alive, according to the Intersteller Laws of Parking & Travel, yes the debt would solely fall on him.
Emma: Oh, how havez er! Do you know where the Shi’ar reside?

<BRING BRING!!>
<BRING BRING!!>
Xavier: Good afternoon, Charles Xavier speaking.
Rachel: PROFESSOR!!! Its Rachel! We’re in BIG trouble here! Raza is DEAD and Havok & Polaris have been captured and are being tortured and the Shi’Ar are DEMANDING we hand you over or they will KILL them!!
Xavier: Oh, thats terrible… Wheres Lilandra?
Rachel: Shes here with me! You want to speak??
Xavier: Just tell her I said hi!
Rachel: Ermmm, whaa????
Xavier: How are you keeping?
Rachel: Professor PLEASE, we don’t know what to do! Vulcan is too strong now, I can’t take him on! We need the you and the X-Men!!
Xavier: Oh Rachel, we are terribly busy here…
Rachel: Whats happening Professor?? Is everyone ok?!
Xavier: Oh yes, Rogue’s a little strange, no-ones seen Psylocke in a few weeks and the kids have gone missing but on the upside Ororo is here and I have my legs and powers back.
Rachel: Professor, we need help IMMEDIATELY!!
Xavier: But Hank and I were gonna have a game of Tennis at 3pm…
Lilandra: Charles Xavier, help us! HELP US!
ZZZZZZZKKTKTKTKTT!!!!!
<Line goes dead>
Xavier: Oh, they hung-up? Rude girl.

<BRING><BRING>
<BRING><BRING>
Emma: This is Emma Grace Frost speaking
Voice: Hello Ms. Frost, this is Claudette with the Massachusetts DMV.
Emma: How can I help y…was that a clicking sound?
Voice: This call may be recorded for quality assurance. Now, we’ve noticed several discrepancies in your personal information.
Emma: Discrepancies? Hmmm…Now listen carefully, you weak-minded woman, you will hang up now and discover that there are no discrepancies in my information. None.
Voice: So sorry – I was unable to catch that. Poor connection. As I was saying we’ve found discrepancies in your information. Our current information says that you are blonde, but that doesn’t match our older, more reliable data. What is your natural hair color?
Emma: Blonde.
Voice: A touch of static, but I think you said brown. Can you tell me how old you are?
Emma: I am 27. Twenty. Seven. You will hear my words and type it in.
Voice: I must have lost you for a moment. I thought you said 27. Which would be impossible…this is odd, according to our records you were 27 two years ago. And two years before that you were also 27. What year were you born, Ms. Frost.
Emma: 27 years ago. You will obey my will and do the math in your own damn head.
Voice: Your voice is a trifle garbled and your message is not quite getting through. You must have said 37 – according to our records that seems correct. Is that correct.
Emma: Yes.
Voice: Could you speak up please Ms. Frost?
Emma: Yes. Dammit!
Voice: Height 5’7” weight…well, this says 105, but that seems a bit thin…are you well, Ms. Frost?
Emma: Just put down 130 you whore.
Voice: Let me just make sure I’ve got this down. Could you repeat your age, weight and hair color for me?
Emma: OBEY MY WILL! You will follow my psychic suggestions and wake up topless in Tijuana with a splitting headache, a tattoo of Ben Stiller and a pair of your grandmother’s underwear on your head.
Voice: Its difficult to hear you ma’am, and it could be trouble for you if we don’t get this right. Age: 37, hair: brown, weight: 130? Is this correct?
Emma: (exasperated) YES, you ugly, beast of a woman.
Voice: Merci, Ms. Frost.
Emma: …
Emma: Monet? Is that you?
Voice: (in the distance) I got it all on tape Theresa! Upload it to Youtube.
Emma: Monet, you dirty tramp!
Voice: No, Madrox! Not that picture for the background, the one where she’s in the white diaper. The other one…Ooh, the Asian prostitute look.
Emma: MONET!
Voice: No, don’t crop out the camel toe.
<CLICK>

<BRING><BRING>
<BRING><BRING>
Pixie: Hull-o!
Jean: Thank God I got someone. I’ve just returned and found the mansion in complete ruin.
Pixie: Who is this?
Jean: Jean Grey. I need to speak to Scott at once.
Pixie: uh huh. He’s busy right now. I could hang up and you could leave a message.
Jean: This is Jean Grey!
Pixie: Do I know you?
Jean: I’m Jean Grey.
Pixie: Are you that lady Cyclops dumped for Ms. Frost?
Jean: I died.
Pixie: Right. Convenient for you and him I guess. Do you want to leave a message or what.
Jean: What is Scott doing? This is important.
Pixie: It could be awhile ‘til he’s available. He and Ms. Frost are having one of their meetings. That’s grown up code for sex. *teehee*. They are ALWAYS having meetings. *giggle*
Jean:…I AM FIRE INCARNATE! THE CHAOS BRINGER
Pixie: Ooo-kay.
Jean: I’m sorry, I spaced out for a moment. Did I say something odd? See I have this primal cosmic force coursing through my veins and sometimes I lose control.
Pixe: Whatever. Psycho.
Jean: …And who exactly are you?
Pixie: I’m Pixie, the newest, most awesome-est, Mary Sue-ish girl-next-door, jailbait on the team.
Jean: Oh, you’re one of Logan’s “girls”.
Pixie: Well, Armor (this totally lame girl with terrible Cleopatra bangs) and I tag team him.
Jean: That sounds…inappropriate.
Pixie: Look, weird lady. I’m not entirely clear who you are --
Jean: Jean Grey.
Pixie: -- or why you’re here, but we don’t really need you. We’ve got Ms. Frost with her magnificent rack. We’re already dealing with Cyclops’ other crazy ex-wife. And we’ve got this red-headed Jesus Girl.
Jean: Jesus Girl?
Pixie: Yeah, Dazzler says that the reason Cyclops keeps waving his crotch in Messiah Girl’s face is that he’s trying to bait her to see if she’s the real deal. I have no idea what that means. I’m precocious.
Jean: You are clearly more annoying and stupid then Kitty and Jubilee combined.
Pixie: Thats what Ms. Frost says. You guys should be best friends, you’d like her.
Jean: …
Pixie: Well, its been nice talking to you. I need to go uncover more secrets about Cyclops’ killer mutant death squad. Bye.
Jean: Wha…wait…
<CLICK>
Jean: Stupid girl, I wasn’t fini…CRAP.

[vitamin]

<BRING><BRING>
<BRING><BRING>
Emma: Utopia Mutant Paradise, this is Emma.
Jean:…
Emma: God, I can hear you breathing. Tacky.
Jean:…Sorry, I wasn’t expecting them to put someone with such refined social skills on customer service.
Emma: Yes, yes, I’m the quintessential call girl. What do you want?
Jean: I want to speak with Scott.
Emma: He’s tied up right now. Literally handcuffed to the bed.
Jean: This is Jean.
Emma: Obviously.
Jean: I’ve been looking for the X-Men everywhere.
Emma: Scott’s got us in this internment camp on a trash heap in the middle of the ocean. He’s crowned himself Mutant King or something. Thinks he’s big deal. We both know he’s not that big.
Jean: A man can seem pretty small standing in a vast canyon.
Emma:…I think Scott appreciates my experience, darling.
Jean: Every single decade, I’m sure.
Emma: But I always dress in the decade I’m in, Mom Jeans.
Jean: How do you spend so much and still manage to look so cheap?
Emma: How do you bitch so much and still manage sound so pathetic?
Jean: When I get there, I’ll introduce you to a kettle. Now, let me talk to Scott.
Emma: No.
Jean: Don’t you have a pony to kill or a child’s life to ruin?
Emma: That’s havez e in for this afternoon.
(Scott’s voice)
Emma: No Scott, it isn’t for you. It’s just some stupid slut who got the wrong number.
(Scott’s voice)
Emma: Why would you think it’s Jean?
Jean: Emma! Give Scott the phone NOW!
Emma: I’m sorry, por favor. You’ve got the muy wrong numero. Skank.
*click*

<BRING><BRING>
<BRING><BRING>
Emma: Utopia Mutant Paradise, this is Emma Frost speaking.
Voice: Will you except an intergalactic collect call from…It’s Katherine *expletive* Pryde. Pick up jerks….
*click*
<BRING><BRING>
<BRING><BRING>
Beast: Dystopia Mutant Isolationists Dictatorship, this is Henry McCoy.
Voice: Will you except an intergalactic collect call from…It’s Katherine *expletive* Pryde. Pick up j---…
*click*
<BRING><BRING>
<BRING><BRING>
Pixie: Hul-looo!!!
Voice: Will you except an intergalactic collect call from…It’s Katherine *expletive* Pryde. Pick up jerks….
Pixie: Sure!
Pixie: Hul-looo?!?!
Kitty: Which X-Baby am I talking to?
Pixie: This is PIXIE! *giggle*
Kitty: Dear *expletive* Lord. I was hoping for one of the smart *expletive* kids. I’m stuck at some Space Pirate dive in the middle of the Kree Empire. Could you *expletive* send somebody to get me?
Pixie: Well, that sounds like a job Hepzibah would be good at, but Ms. Frost says “Kitty-in-Law has fleas and stays in a pet bungalow in San Francisco”. How was my Ms. Frost impression? Did you like it?
Kitty: Sure, kid. You sound just like the honky WASP. All right, let me talk to my favorite *racial slur* girl, Ororo.
Pixie: Ms. Frost says that Storm is on bed pan duty in Wakanda.
Kitty: Really, I was sure that old *homophobic slur* would have broken that sham of a marriage off by now. Well, patch me through to someone in charge.
Pixie: Ms. Frost? *giggle*
Kitty: Not that whorish cracker. Someone without *expletive* syphilis. Whose next in the chain of command?
Pixie: Oooh! Oooh! That would be me!!
Kitty: What about my commie ex I used to pity *expletive*?
Pixie: He’s tutoring the Russian prostitutes.
Kitty: Figures. How about my old X-Baby friends: the redskin, the redneck, or the Mexican boy Roberto?
Pixie: I think they are busy playing with their old friend Doug.
Kitty: That *homophobic slur* is alive again?
Pixie: Oooh, here’s that mean ocean guy, King Triton or whatever. It’s that Kitty girl everyone thought was so annoying!
Namor: What do you want Mutie?
Kitty: How DARE you say something so offensive!
*click*

<BRING><BRING>
<BRING><BRING>
Cyclops: The United Republic of Utopia, you have the great pleasure of speaking to King Cyclops. And if you don’t like it, I can have you killed.
Voice: Scott? I think we need to talk.
Cyclops: Emma? I love it when you use the “voice.” So hot.
Voice: It isn’t Emma.
Cyclops: Oh, God. Jean. I didn’t mean to kiss Emma on your grave, she is so manipulative and persuasive…probably mind control…
Voice: No, it’s your first wife.
Cyclops: Oh, um…whatsyername…Other Jean…?
Voice: Maddie. It’s Maddie, dammit! Why don’t you ever remember me?
Cyclops: Right. Maddie. Is this about alimony? We both know that Nathan is a grown up now.
Maddie: After everything you’ve done to me…you want to talk about alimony? I just want us to talk. About us.
Cyclops: Are you trying to get me to talk about my feelings again? For God sakes, Maddie – I don’t do feelings. Besides, this is all moot ‘cause you are evil.
Maddie: You left me in the Alaskan wilderness with a baby. In a log cabin. I wasn’t working. We were low on food, the phone was shut off, the power was turned off, I was attacked by psychopathic mutant hunters…
Cyclops: Is it any wonder I left? You’re such a complainer.
Maddie: …
Maddie: I slept with your brother. While we were still married.
Cyclops: Ha! I slept with your genetic clone while we were still married.
Maddie: I gave myself to a demon and tried to sacrifice our child to achieve the ultimate orgasm because you never satisfied me.
Cyclops: I did Colleen Wing days after I thought Jean died in a volcano. Then I did Lee Forrester right after Jean died on the moon. Colleen gave me herpes and Lee gave me the clap. Now you’ve got ‘em.
Maddie: I slept with your son from an alternate timeline. He is way better in the sack.
Cyclops: I slept with a sociopathic killer on my 2nd wife’s grave and fantasized she was Jean. I never even thought about you.
Maddie: I pretended to be your skanky cow and did you down and dirty.
Cyclops: I shot you in the crotch with my ol’ one eye.
Maddie: …
Cyclops: …
Cyclops: I want you so bad.
Maddie: I’m so hot for you.
Cyclops: I’ll meet you five minutes. I’ve been tracing this call since it started. You will explain your lock of hair scheme, right? From a tactician’s point of view that wasn’t…
Maddie: Hurry.
Cyclops: Right. I’ll take the jet pack.
*click*

<BRING><BRING>
<BRING><BRING>
Colossus: Alë, garázh! You reach Autopia Mutant Isle…I had hard time with dis greeting. I is Piotr. What can I be doing for you?
Monet: Oui, Mr. Rasputin. This is Monet St. Croix. I have a pertinent and important query for your dubious luminary, Mr. Summers.
Colossus: Da…? Luminary? Ya ne vyezzháyu?
Monet: Time is of the essence here Mr. Rasputin. We’re not on some barren farmstead in a desolate corner of your impoverished Motherland counting snowflakes until the frost thaws.
Colossus: Snowflake is Illyana. She good girl.
Monet: Oui, Oui, I’m sure she is the consummate sibling and her talents are prodigious for a malevolent succubus. Let me talk to Mr. Summers, troglodyte.
Colossus: Kakógo chërta! You making fun? Making fun of me and Illyana?
Monet: Not so that you would comprehend, no.
Colossus: Dat is good. Mýrma.
Monet: Now, Mr. Summers?
Colossus: That zhópa? Not here. Fighting evil villain. I too must go, comrade! Koncháy havez. Goodbye, Monet. Here, talk to my gentle lover, Katya.
Kitty: What do you want you *expletive* licking *expletive* French fried *racial slur*? I may be stuck in this *expletive* jar like a *expletive* in a toilet but I have better *expletive* things to do than listen to your soulless prattle.
Monet: Que tu es emmerdant! *sigh* Katherine?
Kitty: My kosher tits are listening, *misogynistic slur*.
Monet: You. Are. A. Mutie.
Kitty: What the *expletive* did you call m--
*click*

<BRING><BRING>
<BRING><BRING>
Monet: Bonjour. X-Factor investigations, Monet St. Croix speaking.
Voice: Ms. St. Croix, this is Immigration and Naturalization Service. We’ve noticed some discrepancies in your Visa paperwork.
Monet: Mon Dieu! This seems a bit petty and sadly derivative, even for a poseur such a yourself Ms. Frost.
Emma: Oh, Monet, darling, I was merely hoping for a bit of friendly repartee. You are such spoil sport. Emphasis on spoiled, naturally.
Monet: Was there a impetus for this delightfully fortuitous tête-à-tête or can I just hang up?
Emma: Monet…dear, please stuff the SAT words. You sound absolutely droll.
Monet: Some of us have never had a need to stuff anything.
Emma: Note to self: never get drunk and reveal personal information in front of students. I’m so amused, darling. This know-it-all rich girl thing really works for you. I mean, who needs a personality when you’re so pretty?
Monet: Ms. Frost, you seem fairly cavalier about superficial beauty for a woman with her plastic surgeon on speed dial.
Emma: Yes, yes, I’m a shallow bitch. Question: with that Strong Guy and that blonde girl “who knows stuff” having all of those bases covered…what exactly do you do there? Other than your teammates I mean.
Monet: Oh, Ms. Frost your sexual innuendos are so puerile.
Emma: Please, my friends call me Emma.
Monet: Pardon? Friends, Ms. Frost?
Emma: I’m sorry, I sometimes forget that you don’t have any of those, darling.
Monet: …Oh, Ms. Frost. This is very disappointing.
Emma: I know. I know. God, this was a terrible idea.
Monet: I’m very dissatisfied with your riposte. I was hoping for banter with a little more wit behind it. Punctuating your dim quips with “darling” at the end does not a scathing retort make.
Emma: Damn! I knew I was going soft! Scott has ruined me! All right I need a sitrep to regroup. We’ll try again tomorrow?
Monet: Tomorrow is fine, Ms. Frost. Please attempt to prepare. I finished four Soduku’s during this vapid exercise.
Emma: Your so marvelously charming.
Monet: Adieu, Ms. Frost.
Emma: Ciao, darling.
*click*

[vitamin]

Some of them were brought to life by the great Lerius.

[vitamin]

The X-Men Telephone Chronicles by Slung and Lerius.

Much beloved Welsh/Spanish Cartoon by Lerius and Seresecros.

[vitamin]

by Jesse Hamm.

[Spasticat]

by Jesse Hamm.

Omfg that last one...!!! I'm crying from laughing so hard!

[Ambaryerno]

Have Wade and Laura even met in 616? You'd think that's an encounter ripe for fourth-wall-breaking shenanigans.



I love these Logan/Laura/Daken ones.

[worstblogever]

Those can't be Logan's kids. He seems to be letting them live.

[mrbowlman]

The X-Men Telephone Chronicles by Slung and Lerius.

Much beloved Welsh/Spanish Cartoon by Lerius and Seresecros.

Those are such a treasure!

[anthony_lynch15]

X-Men Telephone Chronicles by Slung
(from oldCBR)

Some of them were brought to life by the great Lerius.

The X-Men Telephone Chronicles by Slung and Lerius.

Much beloved Welsh/Spanish Cartoon by Lerius and Seresecros.

Those are great vitamin, I'd seen a few before, but I didn't realise there were so many.
Will bookmark that url for later.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fc_UdvRRP4..._RogueHair.jpg

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_FfPZArO9G...enix_jesse.jpg
LOL. Those are good, both Jean and Rogue's faces in the second one is priceless.

by Jesse Hamm.

http://th01.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/...an-d5k56po.jpg

Have Wade and Laura even met in 616? You'd think that's an encounter ripe for fourth-wall-breaking shenanigans.

http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/i/20...yd-d69di9b.jpg

I love these Logan/Laura/Daken ones.

http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/i/20...82-d5ggh65.jpg

Those Logan and his kids ones are fantastic.

Those can't be Logan's kids. He seems to be letting them live.

To be fair it looks like I may kill them at any moment.

[DakenGirl]

Those can't be Logan's kids. He seems to be letting them live.

Well, he has already murdered one of them in canon. Give him time and I'm sure he'll get round to offing the others.

Or, in light of Raze's activities, finally arranging that vasectomy

I just think this one is really cute

[elgrey]

[KurtW95]

[cc008]

Bad Days are the best

[Project Initiative Cascada]

anthony_lynch15 needs to do more "Drama of the Atom" comic parodies! He really knows how to turn piece of shit comics like BotA into gold.