You Become God of Famine and Disease

[Shai-Hulud]

It’s late at night and you’re watching cable when the screen goes black. An image in a white, hooded robe appears, wearing a carnivale mask.

“We have taken control of your television set,” he says, “You will not be able to change the channel or turn it off.”

He then addresses you by name.

“We have an opening. We need a new god of famine and disease. Your name was mentioned. Everyone agrees you have all the correct qualifications.”

“Famine and Disease? That’s gotta suck. I mean, in my D&D books, all the gods of famine and disease are like, gnarly, ugly and have got the pox and stuff.”

The robed figure waves his hand dismissively.

“That’s all for the rubes,” he says, “You’re a shapeshifter. And you’re immune to disease. Think about it: you couldn’t very well do your job if you’re calling in sick all the time.”

“Okay, that makes sense. But, well, I dunno man, I don’t want to be evil. I’d be hurting people. On a potentially massive scale.”

“You don’t have to be evil, although some play it that way. It’s about balance. Without population checks, organisms will exhaust the carrying capacity of their environment and then the whole show closes down. But with good weeding, a gardener can keep things up for a long time.

“Take this world. I don’t need to tell you it’s due for a correction. The human race here is not living in balance. This has been known for decades.

“Look, I won’t kid you. A lot of people with good records take these jobs and get totally addicted to the drama. Case in point, Loki. You’d think he’d get tired of heavy metal mallets hitting him in the head.

“So yeah, step over the line, become a cackling supervillain, and we send someone to beat you up. Wonder Woman, Doctor Strange, the Eternal Champion, whomever. We had Harry and Hermione take someone down last week, and can even pull Gandalf out of retirement if we must.

“But that doesn’t have to be you if you keep your perspective. It's not about being a prima donna, it's about doing a job. Just keep it professional, and you’ll do fine. Shall I sign you up?”

[The MunchKING]

3 words. "Plague Inc. Evolved".

And any reasonably competent God of disease should have stuff that can take out both Harry and Gandalf with relative ease.

[Nik Hasta]

No.

Not even remotely tempted.

[Cthulhu_of_R'lyeh]

I mean there's really not much incentive.

Hell, IRL I barely get sick anyway. The last time I had more than a cough and a runny nose was ten years ago.

[Sharkerbob]

It’s late at night and you’re watching cable when the screen goes black. An image in a white, hooded robe appears, wearing a carnival mask.

Jokes on you, I don't even own a Television! You'll have to hack my YouTube.

“We have taken control of your [YouTube],” he says, “You will not be able to [open another tab] or turn it off.”

Goddamnit, YouTube. Stop it with these constant shitty updates and two-hour long ads!

He then addresses you by name.

Yeah, what?

“We have an opening. We need a new god of famine and disease. Your name was mentioned. Everyone agrees you have all the correct qualifications.”

Whe-hell! NOW we're talking! *rubs hands together greedily*

“Famine and Disease? That’s gotta suck. I mean, in my [console JRPG games], all the gods of famine and disease are like, gnarly, ugly and have got the pox and stuff.”

Don't put words in my mouth. Also, I don't sound like that. My voice is much more nasally.

The robed figure waves his hand dismissively.

Rude.

“That’s all for the rubes,” he says, “You’re a shapeshifter. And you’re immune to disease. Think about it: you couldn’t very well do your job if you’re calling in sick all the time.”

I mean, if you worked at my store, you might think otherwise. >__<

“Okay, that makes sense. But, well, I dunno man, I don’t want to be evil. I’d be hurting people. On a potentially massive scale.”

Oy! Speak for yourself. Also, you misspelled "efficient."

“You don’t have to be evil, although some play it that way. It’s about balance. Without population checks, organisms will exhaust the carrying capacity of their environment and then the whole show closes down. But with good weeding, a gardener can keep things up for a long time.

That's what she said.

“Take this world. I don’t need to tell you it’s due for a correction. The human race here is not living in balance. This has been known for decades.

I know, right?

“Look, I won’t kid you. A lot of people with good records take these jobs and get totally addicted to the drama. Case in point, Loki. You’d think he’d get tired of heavy metal mallets hitting him in the head.

It's his fault for working at a mallet factory.

“So yeah, step over the line, become a cackling supervillain, and we send someone to beat you up. Wonder Woman, Doctor Strange, the Eternal Champion, whomever.

So as long as I don't cackle, they won't be able to find me. Got it.

We had Harry and Hermione take someone down last week, and can even pull Gandalf out of retirement if we must.

Pffft. That is decidedly less threatening than the above, but okay. I could use a laugh every now and then.

“But that doesn’t have to be you if you keep your perspective. It's not about being a prima donna, it's about doing a job. Just keep it professional, and you’ll do fine. Shall I sign you up?”

I already have a job, but I guess I could use a promotion. Sure, why not?

[The Chou Lives]

I use my disease purview to make a deadly disease that mind controls people. Atmospheric one. Given it obeys me I shift the wotld to correct balance while having my dream family. Not taking over the world mind you, just pushing buttons and pulling strings for results. Hell try my best to defeat faminue which is part of myself.

[Blackid]

Sure, i'm down. I'm not evil. Never try to be. I'm just realistic. I wouldn't think of going over the top, a la Thanos, and snap folk dead. Just plant some wonderful seeds all around the world. shake a hand or two with mild infections. bring back a plague or two for giggles. Of course being able to create famine and pestilence means I can also relieve the world of it, right? Doesn't make sense to control it and it not be held back with a gesture. If that's the case I wouldn't be able to control it.

So yeah, let's do this. It's a thankless job... but someones gotta do it.

[The Chou Lives]

Also for record the only things that kills my family are disease and automobile incidents. Being disease proof means as long I avoid the damn cars and trucks, like Cthulhu dodges boats and my ass is immortal to a extent.

[Shai-Hulud]

Also for record the only things that kills my family are disease and automobile incidents. Being disease proof means as long I avoid the damn cars and trucks, like Cthulhu dodges boats and my ass is immortal to a extent.

Presumably, you've got your own morphic realm of some sort to use as a base of operations. So... nepotism. Promote family members to the little jobs that need to be done for you in your realm.

Actually, you wouldn't even need to make them physically immortal. You could probably claim their spirits and just take them to your realm. You are a god, after all.

You're not the god of death, true, but all gods are entitled to staff, helpers and so forth.

[Sharpandpointies]

“Take this world. I don’t need to tell you it’s due for a correction. The human race here is not living in balance. This has been known for decades.

Humanity's 'choice', not mine to make. If we self-destruct (Collapse, Jared Diamond), then there's a reason in ourselves for it. It's just too bad we'll take down a lot of good stuff with us.

I pass.

[Sharkerbob]

Presumably, you've got your own morphic realm of some sort to use as a base of operations. So... nepotism. Promote family members to the little jobs that need to be done for you in your realm.

Actually, you wouldn't even need to make them physically immortal. You could probably claim their spirits and just take them to your realm. You are a god, after all.

You're not the god of death, true, but all gods are entitled to staff, helpers and so forth.

I will save every mosquito in the world and shove them in this realm, then watch them turn on each other. It will be glorious.