Funny lines from tv shows

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From The Golden Girls Season 5 - Sisters and Other Strangers

Blanche's sister Charmaine has written a romance novel that Blanche believes is based on her life:

Blanche: You will not believe who I was just on the phone with. My sister Charmaine.
Dorothy: I didn't think the two of you were speaking
Blanche: We're not.
Rose: Then how did you know it was her on the other end of the phone?

Later, the ladies attend a book signing at a local book store for Charmaine's book
Dorothy: I don't see Blanche
Rose: She said she'd be here right after her hair appointment. She wanted to look her best for the book signing
Dorothy: Boy, Blanche is taking this a whole lot better than I would. I would kill Gloria if she ever wrote about my sexual escapades
Sophia: You'd kill your sister over a pamphlet?

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From The Golden Girls Season 5 - Dancing In The Dark

Rose meets Miles (who would continue to be her boyfriend thru the end of the series)
Rose: You're a college professor?
Miles: Well, yes Rose. What did you think when I told you I taught Hemmingway?
Rose: I thought you were old.

Rose prepares dinner for Miles and the ladies
Rose: It's just some ground pork and cabbage.
Sophia: The woman feeds me cabbage. In ten minutes I could be skywriting

Later, Rose abruptly leaves the table
Miles: Well, she sure left in a hurry.
Sophia: Who told her to feed me cabbage?

Rose: You go out with him, Blanche
Blanche: I couldn't. I'd feel like a... like a...
Dorothy: Like a backstabbing slut?
Blanche: No
Rose: Please, Blanche. I know you like him and it's over between us. Do it for me.
Blanche: Well, if you insist. I guess I better go change.
Rose (to Dorothy): Can you believe that backstabbing slut?

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From Frasier - episode Agents IN America Part 3

Bebe: Do you have any idea how hot you are? I get offers everyday from other stations offering the moon for you.
Frasier: Good Lord, am I really that hot?
Bebe: Are you kidding? If I were a pot roast, I'd be done.
Niles: Hello, I'm Niles, a person at the table.
Bebe: Niles, thank God you're here. Back me up. Give him some sound, brotherly advice.
Niles: She's the Devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far.


Niles learns that Frasier and Bebe have slept together.
Frasier: All right, just go ahead. Get your shots in.
Niles: No, no. I'm just glad you're all right. I would have assumed she killed after mating.


Daphne: Oh, and I thought you might enjoy a nice fat-free tea biscuit. Will there be anything else?
Bebe: No. You run along, I'm fine.
Daphne: You're sure now? Because I could wait 'til you finish the biscuit and floss your teeth for you.
Bebe: You are a cheeky little monkey, aren't you?
Bebe tastes the biscuit
Bebe: This cookie tastes like meat!
Daphne: Yes, and it'll remove tartar and give you a nice, shiny coat!

[Midvillian1322]

House M.D

“You ever notice all of the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa…can’t think of any others, they all die alone. Men, on the other hand, get so much tang it’s crazy.”

Also House
“I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.”

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From Friends - The One With All The Poker

Chandler knows Ross has a thing for Rachel:
Chandler: Could you want her more?
Ross: Who?
Chandler: Dee, the sarcastic sister from What's Happening!


Rachel: God, could you believe what a jerk Ross was being?
Monica: Oh I know. He can get really competitive.
Phoebe: Ha!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Hello kettle? This is Monica. You're black!


Rachel: So basically you guys get your ya-ya's by taking money from all of your friends.
Chandler: Yeah, and I get my ya-ya's from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.


Monica: OKAY. Are we ready to play some serious poker?
Ross: Well are you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn't look happy.


Rachel: Ok, well, I'm turning in.
Chandler: Rach, we have to settle.
Rachel: Settle what?
Chandler: The Jamestown colony of Virginia. You see King George is giving us the land.


Ross looks over Rachel's resume
Ross: Rach, did you proof read these?
Rachel: Uh, yeah. Why?
Ross: Uh, nothing. I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent "compuper skills".
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Joey: Ah, no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.


Rachel: Guess what, guess what?
Chandler: Let's see, the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?

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Another from The Golden Girls Season 3 - And Ma Makes Three

Rose tells Blanche she's going to run against her for Fashion Show Chaiman

Rose: I know just as much about fashion as you do.
Dorothy: Ok, girls. Which goes better? The silver chain, or the pearls?
Rose: The chain.
Blanche: An amateur's mistake. Can't you see that the chain accentuates the many folds of that turkey like neck?
Rose: That may be, but the pearls draw attention to the nonexistent bosom.
Blanche: Yes, but, the chain leads the eye even lower to that huge spare tire jutting out over those square, manly hips.
Dorothy: Why don't I just wear a sign that says 'too ugly to live'?!!!
Blanche: Fine, but what are you going to hang it from, the chain or the pearls?
Dorothy: Neither! I'm going to spray paint it on my HUMP!!!!!

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From The Golden Girls

Dorothy to Stan: I could vomit just looking at you.

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From The Golden Girls Season 4 - "Bang The Drum Stanley"

Dorothy: How did the auditions go?
Rose: Great. Oh, you should have tried out, Dorothy. Everybody was really stinky. You might have gotten a part this year.
Blanche: Rose, don't be silly. Dorothy couldn't get a part. We're doing the award-winning musical "Cats". You have to be agile, graceful, and sensual.
Dorothy: You're right, Blanche. I mean, how could I possibly compete with you? I mean, you've given some of your best performances in back alleys.
Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, I resent that remark. Have you been talkin' to Ed Tyler? That man has such a big mouth. Which reminds me. I oughta go give him a call.

Stan: Come on, Dorothy. I promise, you'll have the time of your life.
Dorothy: The time of my life??!!!?? Stan, the last time you said that, it took 12 seconds. And I ended up three months pregnant at my own wedding.

Stan: I just came from the hospital. They told me Sophia was discharged. Is she here?
Dorothy: No, I haven't taken her out of the trunk of the car yet.

Rose: Our director says we must become cats. That's why I've been playing with your roll of yarn. And Blanche has been making those high-squealing noises in her bedroom at night.
Dorothy: You've been practicing this part for a lifetime, haven't you, Blanche?

Stan: What are you saying, I'm cheap?
Dorothy: Well, of course she's saying you're cheap. You're the only man I know who owns a time-share dog!

Stan: Y'see, babe, it's all part of the Big Guy's master plan. I am but a humble servant.
Dorothy: Mr. Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley. You're a horse's a--.

Blanche: Let's go into the kitchen and practice being cats. Maybe we can find an old rug to scratch our nails on.
Dorothy: How about the one of Stan's head.

Dorothy: I know Ma is faking. She is not really paralyzed.
Rose: It's only natural for you to feel that way. At the Counseling Center, we learn that the first reaction to catastrophe is denial.
Dorothy: Rose, I am not in denial.
Rose: Yes you are, you're just denying you're in denial.
Dorothy: I am not denying that I am in denial.
Rose: If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.
Dorothy: Look, fluff-head, Why should I deny being in denial, when I never said I was in denial. YOU are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it.

Stan: She's right, Dorothy. Sometimes just lying motionless can be the best thing for you.
Dorothy: That didn't sound right when you said it on our honeymoon and it doesn't sound right now.

[The Cool Thatguy]

Justified

"I've been accused of a lot o' things, inarticulate ain't one of them."

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From Everybody Loves Raymond Season 5 - The Walk To The Door

Ray (to Debra): Okay, I regret not loving you more. I do. You deserve all the love that can fit in the ocean.
Marie: I thought that was beautiful. Frank, why can you say something romantic like that to me?
Frank: Alright... I would love it if you were in the ocean!

Season 3 - The Toaster

Marie: I'm not just some trophy wife
Frank: Trophy wife??!!?? What contest in hell did I win??

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More from Everybody Loves Raymond

Marie: Well I think it's sad when people start having surgery to make themselves bigger.
Frank: Marie did it the natural way. Pound cake!


Frank: They're over there looking at furniture. I told Marie the only furniture she should be looking at should come with a lid.

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More from Everybody Loves Raymond

flashback to when Debra was pregnant with Ally
Debra: The doctor said not to eat anything too heavy
Marie: You're going to listen to what the doctor says? All I know is when I was pregnant, I used to eat all the time. And look how my boys turned out.
Frank: Stop eating immediately.

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From The Golden Girls Season 1 "Big Daddy"

Blanche: I can't believe Big Daddy is coming here
Dorothy: I can't believe I know someone who calls their father Big Daddy
Blanche: Why, back home, everybody calls him Big Daddy. People would come from miles around to get Big Daddy's thoughts on things. And while the men were discussing business, the ladies would retire to the shade of an old magnolia tree, sipping mint juleps and trading prize-winning pecan pie recipes.
Dorothy: Tell me, Blanche, during any of this, would the farm hands break into a chorus of "Dem ol' Cotton Fields Back Home"?

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From Everybody Loves Raymond

Robert has joined a cult

Debra: Ray, you have to go to that meeting with Robert tonight and see what's going on.
Ray: I'm not going there. They could knock me out and I'd wake up chained to a goat.
Frank: You just described my wedding.

[j9ac9k]

Sir Mix-A-Lot from "Bojack Horseman"

"If there's ONE thing you know about me ... is that I cannot lie..."