All Our Universes

[MoneySpider]

Episode 14: “Fermented”

Vixen is helping an elderly pigeon across the street when the A.I. in her Tantu Totem beeps, giving her a notification.

Vixen: “Uh, Nancy? What are my notifications?

Uh Nancy: “There is a report of drunken squirrels in Marcus Garvey Park. They appear to be dazed and confused.”

Vixen: “Drunken squirrels? Ooohkay…”

She mimics the flight of a vampire bat and flies to the scene.

When she arrives, a cop waves her over to him.

Cop: Thank goodness you’re here, Mary.”

Vixen: “It’s Mari, actually.”

Cop: “We tried calling Beast Boy and Animal Man, but they didn’t pick up their phones, so I was just about to call you.”

Vixen: “I was last on your list to call?”

Cop: “Yep.”

Vixen: “Great, thanks a lot.”

Cop: “Don’t mention it.”

The cop stares into Vixen’s eyes but suddenly averts his gaze because he doesn’t want to get lost in them. He notices that one moment her eyes appear to be amber and then in another moment they seem to be hazel.

Cop: “These squirrels appear to be drunk. Some of them are stumbling and bumbling around, while others are just sitting there, looking stoned. I even had one squirrel try to walk a straight line, and it couldn’t.”

Vixen bends down and inspects one of the drunken squirrels closely. “This is extremely odd. I’ve never seen anything like this until now.” She waves her hand in front of the squirrel’s face, but the male squirrel just stares ahead without blinking. Then Vixen notices several pear pieces near some of the squirrels. She picks up some of the fruit and sniffs it with the nose of a bloodhound.

Vixen: “These pears are fermented. If these squirrels ate these pears, it’s not surprising that they are acting drunk. But I’d have to be sure that these squirrels ingested the fruit. I’m going to take some of these squirrels with me to my den to have them analyzed.”

Cop: “You have a den?”

Vixen: “It’s a new thing I’m trying out. We’ll see how it goes.”

Cop: “I guess that makes sense, since vixens are female foxes, and foxes make their homes in dens. Well, I’m going to leave you to it, Mary. Have a good day.”

Vixen: “It’s Mari!”

The cop doesn’t hear her, because he is too busy responding to a call about a giant woman pistol-whipping a little woman.
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Once back home in her spacious Manhattan apartment, Vixen sets up the drunk squirrels on a table near the kitchen and waits for them to poop; once one squirrel does, she puts on a pair of plastic gloves and inspects the feces, using eagle-like vision to see the fruit remnants.

<Just as I thought. This squirrel ate some fermented pears. Now to see if the other squirrels did as well>

Once the other squirrels eventually defecate, Vixen repeats the analyzation process and finally concludes that all the squirrels had ingested fermented pears. Then she feeds them some nuts and seeds and allows them to recuperate for a few hours before she flies them back to Marcus Garvey Park.

No sooner does Vixen drop the squirrels back in the park when a homeless woman shows up with two shopping carts and attempts to feed one of the squirrels some fruit.

Vixen: “No, wait!”

Homeless Woman: “Yes?”

Vixen: “What are you about to feed these squirrels?”

Homeless Woman: “Just some fruit.”

Vixen: “Mind if I take a look at some of that fruit?”

Homeless Woman: “Well, I guess it couldn’t hurt…”

Vixen takes some of the fruit and sniffs it. “Yeah, just as I thought. This fruit is fermented. Did you feed squirrels in this park earlier?”

Homeless Woman: “I sure did. I always feed them, but not always fruit. Today I thought I’d feed them something different.”

Vixen: “Well, you really shouldn’t be feeding them…plus the fruit you gave them was fermented and made them drunk.”

Homeless Woman: “Oh dear, I’m so sorry, I had no idea. It’s just that they are my only friends, it seems, and I like to do good things for them. I like to feed animals. It helps me feel closer to them. But if I can’t feed the squirrels anymore, who can I feed? I’m so lonely!”

Vixen: “It’s okay, you didn’t know about the fruit. And if you need a friend, you can just feed me!”

Homeless Woman: “Really?”

Vixen: “Yep. Better me than the squirrels! They need their own food, not human food.”

Homeless Woman: “Okay, open wide!”

Vixen: “Wait, you’re not going to feed me the fermented fruit, are you?”

Homeless Woman: “It’s the only food I’ve got!”

Vixen sighs and takes a piece of fruit from the woman, and just as she does that, a nearby paparazzo snaps several pictures of her with his camera.

Paparazzo: “Wait until the tabloids get wind of this! Model Marilyn McCabe, being fed by a homeless woman in Marcus Garvey Park! Oh, how the beautiful and mighty have fallen! They’ll pay me a decent amount of money for these pictures!”

Vixen: “No, sir, wait, you don’t understand! This is not what it looks like!”

The paparazzo ignores her and races back to his car, and Vixen is about to chase him but the homeless woman calls out to her.

Homeless Woman: “I’m not done feeding you, dear! Come on back, sit down and talk to me! Please?”

Vixen still wants to chase the paparazzo and take his camera, or at least destroy his film, but she doesn’t want to leave the elderly woman all alone, so she walks back to the park bench and accepts some more fermented fruit as she listens to the tale of how the homeless woman became homeless.