I plan on submitting this piece to 2000AD as a Future Shock short story. I'd love some feedback before I submit it so I can make it as tight as possible and increase my chances of publication. Thanks!

PAGE ONE – FIVE PANELS

PANEL ONE
Ext. Outer Space. Establishing shot of a tense standoff between a single, small, highly maneuverable spacecraft and an entire fleet of large ships. There is a large command ship at the head of the fleet. Part of a blue planet is seen in the lower left corner of the panel. The fleet is situated in the right of the panel. The small ship is between the planet and the fleet.

1. WINTER (from in small ship): I’m bored.

PANEL TWO
Int. cockpit of the small ship. Medium shot of WINTER in the pilot’s chair. He leans on the arm of the chair with one elbow, his face resting on his fist. He dangles a necklace from his other hand. There is a pendant on the necklace. Winter studies the necklace halfheartedly. His hair is disheveled. He looks disinterested, bored. There is a photograph of Winter holding a little girl, his 4 year old daughter, taped to control panels to his left. They look happy. Both the necklace and the photograph are important elements to the story.

2. PRATT (from radio): Excuse me?

3. WINTER: I’m bored. You bore me. All of this bores me now.

PANEL THREE
Full shot of Winter. He is more animated. He looks astonished. He leans forward in his chair. His arms are extended outward. The necklace is still clutched in his hand. He looks astonished.

4. WINTER: I used to love my job. It was exciting. It made me
tingle in all the right places.

5. WINTER: And now? Nothing! What happened?

6. WINTER: Maybe it’s age. You sound old…

PANEL FOUR
Int. Blockade Fleet control ship. The bridge. Medium shot of ADMIRAL PRATT who is annoyed and angry. Pratt is center panel, looking directly into the camera. He yells into the handheld communicator, which resembles a CB radio that hangs from the ceiling. There are control panels and screens in the background. Two crew members sit at their stations.

7. WINTER (from the radio): Do you still tingle?

8. PRATT: Sir! I will ask you one more time to state your name
and business!

9. WINTER (from the radio): Nah, don’t like you’ve tingled in a long while.

PANEL FIVE
The camera pans around, behind Pratt. His arms hang at his side and he slumps hopelessly. The communicator dangles from the ceiling. A wall sized screen in front of him has lit up with a mug shot of Winter and his rap sheet. The light cast by it silhouettes Pratt. The various crimes listed on the rap sheet can be partially blocked by Pratt.

10. WINTER (from the radio): Name’s Lucas Winter.

11. SCREEN READS: Lucas Winter. Crimes include: murder,
dismemberment, smuggling, larceny, public intoxication, urinating on government property.

12. PRATT (muttering): Don’t need this today.

13. WINTER (from radio): Once proud pirate of the stars. Now…  

PAGE TWO – SIX PANELS

PANEL ONE
Ext. Day. Crowded marketplace with stalls of goods for sale. Overhead shot of LADY walking through the marketplace and Winter following after.

1. HANGING CAP: Yesterday…

2. CAP - WINTER: I don’t know what I am.

3. LADY: Don’t have any money for you.

4. WINTER: Yeah, but, see that’s not how business is done. I provided a service. Now, you pay for it.

PANEL TWO
Two shot of LADY in the foreground, walking toward camera and WINTER following after her, just off her left shoulder. Lady looks unconcerned by Winter. Winter looks annoyed and frustrated. A food stall near the foreground has very little to offer, and what food it has is rotten and swarming with flies. The people in the background are emaciated and starving.

5. LADY: You smuggled in three crates of apples, Winter.
Bring me some explosives and we’ll talk.

6. WINTER: There were some oranges too,
but…smuggling’s hungry work.

7. LADY: Blockade’s killing the planet. Wanna do
something worth something? Blow a hole in it so our traders can get through.

PANEL THREE
Medium shot of Winter. He yells to Lady, who has walked off panel, into the foreground. Lucy’s hand has reached up, into the panel and tugs on Winter’s sleeve.

1. WINTER: I’m a smuggler! Without the blockade, I have no
reason to smuggle!

2. WINTER: The hell am I supposed to do with all these apples!?

3. LUCY (OP): Mister?
PANEL FOUR
Full shot of Winter and Lucy. Winter still looks off after Lady. He has not seen Lucy yet.

4. LUCY: I’ll take some of them apples.

5. WINTER: Beat it, kid. Have your mom fix you a snack.

6. LUCY: Ma’s dead.

7. WINTER: And I’m broke. We all got--

PANEL FIVE
Winter looks at Lucy for the first time. His jaw hangs open. He is caught off guard by her resemblance to his daughter.

8. WINTER: Troubles.

9. LUCY: Yeah, well, I also got two little brothers at
home need feedin’. Plus…

PANEL SIX
Winter’s POV, looking down at Lucy who strongly resembles his daughter from the photograph in his ship. She looks up at the camera. She holds up the necklace that Winter held on Page One.

10. LUCY: I can pay.

11. CAP – WINTER: I’m ain’t a good man.
 
PAGE THREE - FIVE PANELS

PANEL ONE
Int. Cockpit of Winter’s ship. Winter’s POV. He holds the necklace in front of him the same way Lucy held it in previous panel. He looks past the necklace at the photograph of him and his daughter.

1. WINTER: Never have been.

2. WINTER: Even when I had reason to be.

PANEL TWO
Full shot of Winter in captain’s chair. He slumps in the chair, still holding the necklace.

3. WINTER: And that’s what made me so good at my job.

4. WINTER: But a while back, I started getting’this cold ache in
my gut that takes all the fun out of it.

5. PRATT (from radio): Power down your ship, Mr. Winter. I
accept your surrender.

PANEL THREE
Full shot of Pratt. He has turned away from the large screen and speaks into the communicator.

6. WINTER (from radio): Surrender? You tellin’ jokes, Admiral?

7. PRATT: Surely, you don’t intend to surrender? You’ve
announced yourself. You’ll never get through the blockade.

8. WINTER (from radio): Don’t mean to go through you…

PANEL FOUR
Ext. Outer Space. Winter’s ship races straight toward the camera. The thrusters have fired. The blue planet has shrunk a bit behind it.

9. CAP -WINTER: I mean to go straight into you.

PANEL FIVE
Int. Winter’s ship. The camera is all the way in the tail end, the cargo hold, looking straight ahead, down a corridor into the cockpit. Winter is only partly visible. The cargo hold is full of crates, stacked to the ceiling. A mushroom cloud symbol and the words “highly explosive” are spray painted on the crates.

10. WINTER: It’s amazing what folks’ll trade two crates of apples
for when they’re starving to death.

PAGE FOUR – FIVE PANELS

PANEL ONE
Int. Blockade Control Ship. Pratt looks out the large observation window on the deck of his ship. Winter’s ship is seen heading straight for him.
1. PRATT: Someone take that ship apart! Open fire!
2. CREW: It’s moving too fast, sir! We can’t get a lock!

PANEL TWO
Int. Winter’s ship. Medium shot of Winter as he places the necklace over his head.

3. CAP - WINTER: Always believed if you’re heart ain’t totally in it…

4. CAP – WINTER: Then it ain’t worth doin’.

PANEL THREE
Ext. Outer Space. The moment just before impact, just before Winter crashes into the Blockade Control Ship.

5. CAP - WINTER: So, I guess it’s time to move on…

PANEL FOUR
Close, right profile shot of Winter. His eyes are closed. He has a content look on his face. The picture of him and his daughter is seen on the panel to Winter’s left, just an inch away from his nose.

PANEL FIVE
Ext. Planetside. Day. Low angle shot. Lucy looks up at the massive explosion in the sky. Her brothers sit on the ground with their backs against a crate of apples. They eat ravenously.

6. CAP – WINTER: And try doin’ something worth something.