Seeking opinions to my script!

[Hatena Yagami]

Hi, I'm an aspiring writer thinking to brush up my writing skills. I'll be posting some scripts I wrote from time to time , and would be happy if I could hear what you guys think about it!

Alright, here's my first short story!

I found a super villain
Script by Hatena Yagami


Main characters’ description:
1. Kate
- Girl with a pony tail. Age around 10 or 11. Middle height, middle weight.

2. Mincer
- Super villain. Bulky. Wears a space suit and a headpiece like the ones Mongul or Darkseid wears. Have super strength, super intelligence, and the ability to fly.

3. Captain Punch
- A typical Superman like hero.

4. Kate’s Mom
- Won’t be seen as a whole like the adults from PEANUTS.

Writer’s note: ‘Caption(Kate)’ should be like it’s an excerpt from her notebook. So it should be lettered on a yellow window with lines for each sentence.



Page 1

Panel 1:
The panel takes place in the streets. It shows Kate from the back as she looks down at Mincer, who’s looking back at her with dumb but innocent kind of expression. He has a big blue bruise on his right eye and his suit is half-destroyed. He’s huddled up next to a trash can in the side of the street. Kate is carrying a knapsack on her back since she’s on her way back from school.

Caption(Kate): Last week, I found a super villain.

Panel 2:
The panel shows Kate and Mincer from behind. They are walking down the street to Kate’s home. Kate is holding Mincer’s hand like she’s leading an old man cross the street. She’s asking some questions to him, but Mincer’s mind seems pretty messed up. He walks with a curled back and has several question marks above his head.

Caption(Kate): He seemed troubled.
Kate: My name’s Kate. What’s yours?
Kate: Do you have anyone to call in case of emergency? Relatives? Friends?
Kate: Accomplice?
Caption(Kate): I decided to take him home with me.

Panel 3:
In the kitchen, Kate treats Mincer’s injuries. Mincer, sitting on a chair, cries out in pain. There is a medical box on the table along with some bandages and a bottle of disinfectant next to it.

Caption(Kate): First, I tended to his injuries…
Mincer: GARGH!
Kate: Hold still!

Panel 4:
The panel shows the two sitting in the kitchen. Kate is looking up Mincer on her mom’s laptop while Mincer eats cookies. There’s also two cups of milk in front of each other. On the laptop’s screen, there’s a news article that shows two figures, Mincer and his opponent, fighting each other. The headlines say ‘Captain Punch saves the day!’ and ‘Where’s Mincer now?’

Caption(Kate): Then I looked up if anyone was looking for him.
Kate: Hmm…so, you’re name is Mincer, huh?
Mincer: Mint? Me not like mint cookies. Me like chocolate chip cookies!
Caption(Kate): He seemed to have lost his mind, probably because he took too much punches in his face.

Panel 5:
Kate from upfront. She has a determined and confident expression on her face.
Caption(Kate): Looked like it was up to me to help this poor guy.
Mincer: You like cookies?


Page 2

Panel 1:
Kate starts by showing Mincer a video footage of himself on youtube. The panel shows the two next to each other from the front so the actual footage won’t be shown in the panel, just the sound. Mincer is pointing at the screen. On the table, next to the laptop, there are some books titled ‘Regaining Memory 101’ and ‘I REMEMBER!’ piled up.

Caption(Kate): I began with showing who he used to be…
Kate: See, that’s you!
Mincer: OOOHHH, pretty lady!
Kate: No, that’s the Statue of Liberty.
Voice from the video: “Behold the power of MINCER! Anyone dares to stand in my way, I shall grind them all!”

Panel 2:
Kate pushes up Mincer’s arm which has a laser blaster on the wrist. It zaps the cookies with a streak of lightning and turns them into a Statue of Liberty made of cookies. Mincer seems fascinated not by his powers but by the chocolate chip statue.

Caption(Kate): …then tried to remind him of his super powers…
Kate : Come on! Toast’em!
SFX: ZAP!
Mincer: Cookies pretty! Me like pretty cookies!

Panel 3:
The scenery changes as the two moved to the living room. Kate stands in front of Mincer holding a book called ‘How to act like a super villain’. Mincer is eating the chocolate chip Statue of Libery. The statue is already without its head.

Caption(Kate): …I even gave him a lesson of how to act like a super villain.
Kate: Repeat after me, ‘MOO-HOO-HA-HA.’
Mincer: BWAHAHA?
Kate: No, MOO-HOO-HA-HA!
Caption(Kate): We were making great progress.

Panel 4:
Kate squeezes Mincer into the closet as her mother came home. Mincer, who’s still holding the half eaten statue, seems to have no idea what’s going on.

Caption(Kate): We were this close to regaining his memory when mom came back.
Mom: Kate, I’m home!
Kate: Oh, no! Quickly, hide here, and don’t make a sound!
Mincer: Goo-goo-da-da?
Mom: Did you say something, sweetie?
Kate: Nothing!
Caption(Kate): I had to hide him because mom would never let me keep a super villain in the house.


Page 3

Panel 1:
The panel shows from Mincer’s point of view, as he sees Kate’s mother turn on the TV. The TV screen shows a news footage from last night where Mincer and Captain Punch are exchanging fists. Neither Kate nor her mother is in the panel.

Caption(Kate): But in the end…
Mom: Hmm, let’s see what’s on the news.
SFX(from the TV): Click!
TV: ‘…and as the super villain Mince’s whereabouts are still unknown , the police are…’

Panel 2:
Close-up on Mincer’s eye. The evil and hating glance returns as his pupil reflects the hero’s smile on the TV.

Caption(Kate): It was always up to him to get back on the horse.
Captain Punch in the TV screen: As long as I’m around, Mince won’t harm a single soul in this city!

Panel 3:
Now regaining his evil self, Mincer comes out from the closet crashing the doors. He’s a little confused since he has no memory since last night’s battle.

Mincer: WHERE AM I? Who dares to imprison me, the almighty Mince, in such a cramped space!
Mom: YEEEEE!
Kate: Hey, you remember your name!

Panel 4:
Mincer, standing proudly now, looks down at Kate who doesn’t seem to be scared of him at all.

Mincer: How dare you speak to me without my permission, you little imp!
Kate: Well, someone got better.
Mincer: Better? What are you talking about?

Panel 5:
Mincer flies out from the window nearby. Kate tries to stall him but her mother pulls her back.

Mincer: I’ve always been nothing but the BEST! And now, I shall return to my lair to scheme for my revenge!
Kate: Wait!
Mom: Sweetie, watch out!
Mincer: MOO-HOO-HA-HA!


Page 4

Panel 1:
Kate sticks her head out from the window, looking at Mince flying away. Mince’s shadow is in the street below.

Caption(Kate): I’m just glad he got his memory back.
Kate: Just be careful with your puffed eye…

Panel 2:
The panel shows Mincer and Captain Punch fighting with each other in the sky. Mincer, with his suit now all fixed as new, is shooting out laser beams from his wrist, while Mister Punch is throwing fists at him. The battle takes place in the same area where Kate first found Mincer three days ago.

Caption: Three days later.
Captain Punch: Give it up, Mincer! This city’s under my protection!
Mince: Not after I turn you into ashes!

Panel 3:
Mince’s eyes stray, as he spots a girl looking out from her home’s window far away. The girl’s figure is still unclear but it vaguely resembles Kate.

Mince: Prepare to meet my ultimate weapon! Mega….uh…

Panel 4:
Close up on the girl, who is revealed to be Kate.

Mince: Hrm…Captain, may I suggest we do this someplace else?
Hero: What?
Mince: I heard there’s a construction site down the street that’s big enough.

Panel 5:
Mince and the hero fly away as Kate opens her window and wave at them.

Hero: Umm…sure.
Mince: And try to go easy on my eye. It’s still brittle.
Kate: Play nice, you two.
Caption(Kate): I’m really happy to see him up and well again.


Aaaand, that's it! So, what do you think about it? You can tell me either through this thread, or through twitter ( you can look up 'Hatena Yagami' and find a Japanese guy tweeting).

Thanks!

[Ghost]

Hey Hatena,
This is a pretty entertaining script. Having a little girl raise a supervillain like a stray animal made for a clever and humorous plot. While reading a few things popped into my mind, and may or may not be helpful to you.

- Judging by the way its written Im assuming its geared towards a younger audience? (nothing wrong with that btw)
- The amount of panels could possibly be bumped up a bit in scenes where Mincer is flying around or fighting Captain Punch. They dont even need text, but could show action or movements. Though I understand this story isnt super serious so it may not be important. Generally the fewer panels per page the faster the pace will be as well.
- The conclusion on page 4 seemed a little anticlimactic to me. It was sweet that Mincer acknowledged he cared for Kate in the end, but it just didnt seem like it had much payoff beyond that. I may just be nitpicking, especially since you only had 4 pages to work with.

Also, if you write your scripts in Microsoft Word I highly suggest using this writing template. It really helps to keep things organized and clean. You can copy and paste or move whole sections around and it will automatically renumber everything for you. Saved me from many headaches

[Hatena Yagami]

Hey Ghost,
Thanks for your opinion! I'm so excited to receive a response from someone who've read my story and it makes me encouraged to make more.

Yeah, I wrote it as an all-age kind of story. I'm not expecting all of my further stories to be like this since I want to tackle lots of genres but I thought it was a good place to start. I'll try to improvise on the panels and the ending in future stories.

Also, thanks for suggesting Microsoft Word. Will do.

I'll be posting another script pretty soon so I'd be glad if you could read it and tell me what you thought about it.

Thanks, really.

[Hatena Yagami]

So, here comes my second script. As Ghost advised, I'm uploading in Microsoft Word format. It's another all-age with a little horror taste in it. I hope you enjoy!

p.s. I tried to upload the first script in the same format as well but it's been rejected because the file size is too big. Perhaps I'll divide-post it later.

[Ghost]

So, here comes my second script. As Ghost advised, I'm uploading in Microsoft Word format. It's another all-age with a little horror taste in it. I hope you enjoy!

p.s. I tried to upload the first script in the same format as well but it's been rejected because the file size is too big. Perhaps I'll divide-post it later.

Whoops , I didnt mean you had to upload Word files on here. The way you had posted the first story was fine lol. I only suggested that Word template for future use, in case you ever had to write a lengthy script and found it was hard to keep organized. Sorry for the confusion.

I'll check out the new script too.

[Ghost]

Hey Ghost,
Thanks for your opinion! I'm so excited to receive a response from someone who've read my story and it makes me encouraged to make more.

Yeah, I wrote it as an all-age kind of story. I'm not expecting all of my further stories to be like this since I want to tackle lots of genres but I thought it was a good place to start. I'll try to improvise on the panels and the ending in future stories.

Hey no problem. Thanks for sharing your scripts.

I mentioned adding a few panels because sometimes its difficult to envision (while scripting) how much room each panel will actually use on a page. Theres nothing wrong with using 4-5 panels, but dont be afraid to go as high as even 9 or 10. It really helps me to sketch out some small thumbnails of the script to get a closer idea of how it will actually look and read, and make revisions from there.

[Hatena Yagami]

Thanks again, Ghost. Your advice means a lot since I'm pretty much of a beginner to these kind of stuff.

I'm thinking of creating my own tumblr page and post my scripts there also.

[Hatena Yagami]

So, I made my tumblr page.

It's
http://hatenayagami.tumblr.com/
and I've posted my third script 'Femme Fatale' there. Check it out.

I thought it better not to post scripts after script while there're no response from others. Might post it once this thread gets a little more crowded.

Thanks.

[Ghost]

I had time to read through your Sensei script this morning. I think the plot was easy to follow and kept my interest, much like the 'I found a Super-villain' story. You write in a clear and concise way which will really help you if you ever want to have your scripts illustrated. I also enjoyed the humor.

I did see a few areas where you could make possible revisions. Its mainly minor things. I'll use red text to highlight the changes I made so you can see if you agree. I mainly broke up a few lines of dialogue to make additional panels.


Page 1

Panel 1
The scene takes place in a foggy mountain. Apprentice is climbing up the slope with a sack tied to a stick on his shoulder.

Apprentice: Huff…huff…

Panel 2
Apprentice reaches the top of the mountain. He’s worn out but not totally exhausted as he still may stand straight. The sack’s been dropped next to him. He calls out for Sensei.

Apprentice: The top…Finally…!
Apprentice: Hello? Is anyone here? Sensei? Please show yourself!

Panel 3
Apprentice lowers a hand to point towards sack while calling out to Sensei.

Apprentice: Umm…I brought you souvenirs?

Panel 4
Apprentice turns his head to the side as he notices Sensei sitting on top of a tall rock.

Sensei : Are they edible?
Apprentice : Sensei!
Sensei : I hate souvenirs I can’t eat.

Panel 5
Apprentice kneels down to one knee while opening sack, revealing the doughnuts inside.

Apprentice: They’re doughnuts.

Panel 6
Sensei jumps from the rock towards Apprentice.

Sensei : Very well. Now what brings a young man like you to such a sad place?
Apprentice : People say that you’re the person to go to if one wants to be the best. Please, I’ll do anything…

Panel 7
Close-up view of Sensei calmy walking towards foreground (towards cottage, off panel), while Apprentice stands behind him looking confused.

Sensei : Sure.
Apprentice : …what?

Page 2

Panel 1
The panel shows Sensei and Apprentice from behind as they walk towards a old cottage that suddenly appeared midst the fog. It’s a simple flat roofed, wooden made cottage with a chimney.

Apprentice : Just like that? No tests? Nothing to see if I have what it takes ?
Sensei : You have doughnuts. I’m dying for doughnuts.

Panel 2
Sensei turns head to speak to Apprentice.

Sensei: You’ve got a problem?
Apprentice : Uh…no.
Sensei : Very well, then…

Panel 3
The panel shows Apprentice hitting dozens of wood blocks after wood blocks that comes swinging towards him as Sensei sits and eats a doughnut in a safe distance. They are in the bushes and the wood blocks are tied to the branches.

Caption(Sensei): …let us begin your training.
Caption : A doughnut later. (Maybe use different background colors for the Sensei and doughnut captions once drawn, to avoid confusion. Or place Sensei caption at bottom of previous panel.)
Apprentice : Ha, I can keep this up all day!
Sensei : Then you shall.
Apprentice : Wait…um, can I take back what I said and take a break?

Panel 4
The two are now inside Sensei’s cottage. Sensei is standing in front of a blackboard where equations are written all over and teaching. He’s wearing an academic square hat and a black robe. He’s holding a wand in one hand, which is pointed at the blackboard, while he has a doughnut in the other. It’s too difficult for Apprentice, who’s sitting on a chair and holding a pencil, to understand that question marks are popping up above his head.

Caption: Two doughnuts later.
Sensei : ……(All too gibberish for anyone to understand)……

Panel 5
The two are now inside a dark cave where books, mystical ornaments, and pickled body parts are placed here and there. Apprentice is wearing a black robe and holding a wand like Harry Potter. There’s a magic circle written in white paint on the floor, and sparkly smoke is coming out from its center as Apprentice summons a demon. Sensei is standing next to Apprentice, holding a doughnut. (Is the demon physically present, or only its voice speaking from the sparkly smoke?)

Caption: Three doughnuts later.
Apprentice : Demon! I demand you to…

Panel 6
Demon interrupts Apprentice.

Demon : After I have my doughnut.
Apprentice: …Sensei?

Panel 7
Close-up view of angry but determined Sensei.

Sensei : Never.

Page 3

Panel 1
Sensei is sleeping on the floor hugging the empty box of doughnut, while a shadow casts over his face. There are candles lit around him.

Caption : Four doughnuts later.
SFX(Sensei) : SNOOOORE…

Panel 2
Sensei wakes up as he notices Apprentice holding a sword against him.

Sensei : Wha…hey! Haven’t I told you to scram already? You’re training’s over.
Apprentice : I came here to be the best there is.
Apprentice : However, the training was nothing out of the ordinary.

Panel 3
Sensei talks back while he pushes the tip of the sword to the side with his finger.

Sensei : Well, what did you expect from just four doughnuts ? And they were $1.99 each.
Sensei : You didn’t even bring a milk shake!

Panel 4
Angry apprentice holds a clenched fist in the air while yelling demands.

Apprentice : Enough! You’re hiding your secret knowledge, the ultimate move! I demand to know it!
Sensei : And if I don’t share?

Panel 5
Close-up on Apprentice’s face as he now shows his true colors. He has a sinister smile and a villainous glance.

Apprentice : Well, there’s always another option.
Sensei : Which is?

Panel 6
The panel shows Apprentice from the front as he holds up the sword, ready to cut Sensei in half. Only a partial of Sensei’s head will be shown in the panel.

Apprentice : You teach it to no one else…
Apprentice : …and die!
Sensei : Sigh. So, you’ve shown you’re true colors...

Page 4

Panel 1
Apprentice falls back surprised, as black smoke suddenly appearing out of nowhere covers Sensei.

Sensei : …it’s only fair that I show mine.
Apprentice : What are you…

Panel 2
The panel shows the wall where shadows of Sensei, now turned into a Lovecraftian creature, and Apprentice are displayed. Apprentice has no chance of escape. His tentacle tangled arm sticks into the panel.

Apprentice : AAAAGH! SOMEBODY HELP! HEEELP……!
Sensei : Not as good as a milk shake……
SFX : SLURP!
Sensei : ……but you’ll do.

Panel 3
The scenery changes as it’s now several years later. A bulky man comes to the mountain, seeking training from Sensei. Sensei, who’s now wearing Apprentice’s skin, is standing in front of him. The panel shows Man only partially on his temple so that we can see the whole new Sensei.

Caption : Some years later…
Man : Sensei, I came here to become the best there is!
Sensei : Have you brought souvenirs?

Panel 4
Man reveals brownies to a pleased Sensei.

Man : Uh…yes, I brought some brownies. Home made.
Sensei : Very well, let us begin.

Panel 5
Sensei and Man walk towards the same old cottage midst the fog. The man’s shadow is normal, while Sensei’s is that of the creature.

Sensei : Have you brought a milk shake as well?
Man : Sorry, forgot it.
Sensei : Hrm…well, there’s always something else.

[Hatena Yagami]

Wow, ghost! You're amazing! I'm sure there're tons of stuff I can learn from your script. Thanks!

I've already got my next script ready but like I wrote in my last post, I'm not sure if I should post it here while there aren't so many people. Therefore I opened a tumblr account where I can post my scripts as soon as I finish them and have already posted my next script there. Though that doesn't mean I'm going to stop appearing in this thread, please feel free to visit and take a look!

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. Thanks a lot!

[Ghost]

Wow, ghost! You're amazing! I'm sure there're tons of stuff I can learn from your script. Thanks!

I've already got my next script ready but like I wrote in my last post, I'm not sure if I should post it here while there aren't so many people. Therefore I opened a tumblr account where I can post my scripts as soon as I finish them and have already posted my next script there. Though that doesn't mean I'm going to stop appearing in this thread, please feel free to visit and take a look!

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. Thanks a lot!

You're welcome, I hope its helpful. There arent a whole lot of people posting in this sub-forum (for whatever reason), so you may not get many responses.

[Hatena Yagami]

I wonder if there's a way to show my scripts to more people. Well, I guess I just have to keep trying!