Originally Posted by
FluffyCyclopsRLZ
I really, really shouldn't spoil anything, but...
Rogue: "Seriously, CK, what the heck took you so long?"
Captain Krakoa: "We talked about this. I didn't get to pick the name and please, please do not call me..."
X-Kitten: "......................!"
Captain Krakoa: "......................."
X-Kitten: "......................!"
Captain Krakoa: "Figaro. Lucifer. Oliver. Always a pleasure."
X-Kitten: "......................."
Captain Krakoa: "Oh. Well, I'm genuinely sorry for that. I didn't mean to upset your mother. That being said, the e-mail did say zero nine hundred hours, I'm a good ten minutes early and no one else has shown up yet."
X-Kitten: "......................?"
Rogue: "You're so weird, sometimes. Of course we didn't teach our sweet, fluffy kittens about military time. Why would anyone... Look, it doesn't matter. I thought you'd show up an hour early, alright? Something Scott Summers would do and all that."
Captain Krakoa: "Why would I waste a full hour knowing the other attendees would show up at the last minute, fashionably late or not at all?"
Rogue: "......................."
Captain Krakoa: "......................."
Rogue: "Fine, there might be something vaguely resembling a legitimate point somewhere in there, but that's no excuse for being such a jerk and upsetting the sweet, fluffy kittens."
X-Kitten: *Affectionately mewing, pawing at and snuggling up to Captain Krakoa*
Captain Krakoa: "Laying it a bit thick, aren't you? Alright, I'll bite. What did I just walk into? I thought this was a staff meeting."
Rogue: "It is. It's just that nobody bothers showing up for those anymore."
Captain Krakoa: "Dare I even ask why?"
Rogue: "In no particular order of 'who cares'? The other Scott rage quit because he didn't want to become the team's Sage so he went back to Krakoa. Probably brooding in a darkened room and writing bad poetry about Jean."
Captain Krakoa: "Sounds about right."
Rogue: "Shiro is low-key boycotting any non-essential team activity. He finally figured out we could ignore him and totally get away with it now that the other Scott is gone."
Captain Krakoa: "How's that?"
Rogue: "Think of the team's demographics and then factor in the fact that he basically has no character arc apart from being there."
Captain Krakoa: "Oh. What about the others?"
Rogue: "Lorna's prepping for her next big MVP moment."
Captain Krakoa: "Fair enough."
Rogue: "Jean's prepping for her next big speech."
Captain Krakoa: "Cautiously pleading the Fifth."
Rogue: "And then you've got Laura and Everett's legal teams tearing each other to shreds."
Captain Krakoa: "Their legal teams?"
Rogue: "Long story short, Laura didn't bother reading the fine print and thought the thing with Everett would only last two months, not two years. It's not pretty."
Captain Krakoa: "I didn't know these two had a thing."
Rogue: "Really? Wasn't Jean supposed to give you a psychic software update?
Captain Krakoa: "She did. It mostly consisted of her updated character sheet, seemingly one-sided guilt trips, love and kindness. Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out what was the point of literally anything mutantkind has been doing ever since that suicide mission."
Rogue: "Do yourself a favor and ignore literally ever single mission report that wasn't written by Kwannon."
Captain Krakoa: "Surely, it couldn't have been that bad."
Rogue: "Remy and I had to put up with Betsy whining about people not being stoked on her anymore now that she was Caucasian again and had to put on clothes."
Captain Krakoa: "......................."
Rogue: "My point exactly. Anyway, given the surreal casualness of the conversation we're currently having, I'm guessing nobody briefed you on Inferno's latest update to the insanely convoluted Summers family tree?"
X-Kitten: "......................!"
Captain Krakoa: "......................."
X-Kitten: "......................!"
Rogue: "......................."
Captain Krakoa: "Oh. Something to the effect of the sweet, fluffy kittens' father being yet another long-lost Summers sibling?"
Rogue: "Yes and no. Turns out this timeline's Remy was the real third Summers brother all along and that Vulcan was a golem and/or Moira MacTaggert's secret son. I think."
Captain Krakoa: "......................?"
Rogue: "I know. Turns out MacTaggert was really, really salty over Irene having her burned alive so she decided she'd have her own surrogate son slash executioner. And since short of getting kicked off the planet you Summers pretty much always end up being mutant royalty, she figured your family was the ideal target for a baby-swapping, unwitting sleeper agent revenge scheme. And then she dumped Remy in a swamp."
Captain Krakoa: "That's just... horrible."
Rogue: "I know. I'm technically a Summers by alliance, now."
Captain Krakoa: "......................."
Captain Krakoa: "I was referring to the 'Remy being dumped in a swamp' part. How's he taking it?"
Rogue: "Well, he's devastated, obviously. Says it's almost as bad the Excalibur gig and now everyone's going to think he's genetically destined to become, just... the absolute worst, really."
Captain Krakoa: "A bit melodramatic, don't you think?"
Rogue: "In what way, exactly? Pretty much everyone on this side of the galaxy agrees that your father is made of so much cool there wasn't anything left for the next generation of Summers."
X-Kitten: "......................!"
Captain Krakoa: "......................."
Rogue: "No, really. It's like 'Hi, I'm Scott Summers. You'd throw the second most boring person in the galaxy into an actual sun and they'd still be cooler than me. Yet, somehow I get more screen time in a Mystique and Destiny story than their adopted daughter. Adding insult to injury, there's two of me running around and I'll eventually get actual character development while impossibly cooler people might get to throw boulders and lead Leeroy Jenkins charges for a whole three seconds on my wife's reality show! Oh, I'm sorry, I got to tackle Lorna that one time and yell at my husband! And you know what's the saddest thing? That's actually a significant improvement from my last gig!"
X-Kitten: "......................."
Captain Krakoa: "......................."
Captain Krakoa: "Rogue, if you want more screen time, you could've just asked."
Rogue: "Really, now."
Captain Krakoa: "I have to wear this stupid flower hat because nature, nurture, love and kindness are somehow supposed to prevail over the machines that have changed me to the actual core. Getting more screen time is pretty much dead last on my list of current priorities."
Rogue: "Oh. So I shouldn't have bothered with the kitten cuteness and in-law guilt trip tactics."
Captain Krakoa: "I can appreciate the effort you put in your little scheme. I won't hold it against you."
Rogue: "......................."
Captain Krakoa: "What is it, now?"
Rogue: "I'll level with you, Plan B might or might not have involved a 'Scott Summers hates kittens' press release. Since we're being honest and everything."
Captain Krakoa: "......................."
Rogue: "Right. So since you can't just give up your screen time, I was thinking of a Brick Buddies angle."
Captain Krakoa: "What do you mean? The first part. No, wait, I didn't get any of it."
Rogue: "Well, clearly we can't just have you leave because your better half would blame me for everything slash everyone you're doing off-screen."
X-Kitten: "......................?"
Captain Krakoa: "Grown-up stuff. Don't worry about it. Once again, I'll cautiously plead the Fifth. Still not getting the Brick Buddies part, though."
Rogue: "Punching things real hard and being able to take a hit, obviously. Things you can do now that your powers don't suck anymore. Brickhood, you know?"
Captain Krakoa: "......................."
Rogue: "See, this is exactly why you need proper mentorship. There's a lot more to being a Brick than just..."
Captain Krakoa: "Punching things real hard and being able to take a hit?"
X-Kitten: "......................!"
Rogue: "......................."
Captain Krakoa: "Sorry, that was rude. Please, go on."
Rogue: "The point is, I just know you're going to ruin it and give proper Bricks a bad name. Which is why I'm taking it upon myself to teach you the ways of the Brick. I'll be the Yoda to your Obi-Wan. It'll be fun."
X-Kitten: "......................!"
Captain Krakoa: "......................."
Captain Krakoa: "Firstly, I really, really should've seen the public service angle coming a mile away."
Rogue: "In hindsight, yeah, you really, really should have. Don't sweat it, I was planning for us to go through Tactics 101 anyway."
Captain Krakoa: "......................."
Captain Krakoa: "Secondly, it's been a while since you've seen a Star Wars movie, hasn't it?"
Rogue: "The Obi-Wan to your Anakin, whatever. You can be such a geek, sometimes."