Action Heroes go to the Olympics

[Postmania]

Just bc I'm bored, the following action heroes have to take place in a few Olympic events. Who takes overall/how do they do?

The Athletes

Jason Bourne
Riddick
Hobbs (Fast and Furious series)
Dutch Schaeffer (Predator)
John Rambo
John McClane
Daniel Craig's James Bond
Bryan Mills (Taken)
Nicholas Angel (Hot Fuzz)
Simon Phoenix (Demolition man)
Chev Chelios (Crank)
Inspector Ma (Flashpoint)

The Events:

Fencing
Mountain Biking
100 Meter Dash
Marathon
Wrestling (everyone just gets tossed in regardless of weight class)
Boxing (same as above)
Shooting with Pistol
Shooting with Air Rifle
Golf
Tennis
Diving
Weightlifting
Equestrian Show Jumping
Shot put

[big_adventure]

Dutch and Hobbs obliterate Weightlifting and Shotput.

One of them will also win wrestling, if the next guy doesn't.

Bourne annihilates shooting and boxing.

One of the blatently superhuman guys probably takes out the Marathon and the 100m. Though we don't have a lot of pure running feats to go by, they are just too ridiculous to imagine a human dealing with them.

Mountain biking would probably go to one of these guys. Bond and Bourne have way-beyond-real-world skill on motorcycles, and superhuman (for real people) endurance and strength - that should be enough.

Bond, in his Brosnan form, showed himself to be somewhere around Olympic medal level with a rapier/foil, so he might have a chance. Bourne turns magazines and pens and tea towels into deadly weapons, so he should be good here as well - that combined with his preternatural speed and precision, yeah, he's probably too much for real people.

The only ones we don't really know for would be Golf, Tennis and Show Jumping. The total lack of feats would make it hard to assume they could play there, despite their fictional advantages.

[Sharpandpointies]

I'm mostly with Big (though admittedly I don't know all of the people here, so....). It's only on Fencing that I feel there should be some clarification.

Fencing has an arcane series of rules for sabre or foil involving Right of Way that will basically end up with Bourne winning the 'fight', but potentially losing due to his points not being counted; he has trained for fighting, not fencing. He'll take the Épée portion, though, due to the lack of Right of Way rules for that portion of fencing.

If Bond actually has fencing feats, especially feats putting him roughly on Olympic level, I would see him taking both Sabre and Foil, and potentially Épée.

[StupidMoniker]

Rambo has horse riding feats at least, from Rambo III, so he should take the Equestrian. Riddick and Bond have lengthy running sequences.

[FrenchGemini]

Dutch and Hobbs obliterate Weightlifting and Shotput.

One of them will also win wrestling, if the next guy doesn't.

Bourne annihilates shooting and boxing.

While I agree with Dutch and Hobbs winning wrestling, I'd say it's a shame they are here. I could have seen Inspector Ma doing fine here otherwise, but well, there is a reason we have weight categories (he'd do better in Judo, but OP didn't ask about Judo)... I have never watched the Bourne movies, but I could see Ma doing well in boxing as well.

[big_adventure]

I'm mostly with Big (though admittedly I don't know all of the people here, so....). It's only on Fencing that I feel there should be some clarification.

Fencing has an arcane series of rules for sabre or foil involving Right of Way that will basically end up with Bourne winning the 'fight', but potentially losing due to his points not being counted; he has trained for fighting, not fencing. He'll take the Épée portion, though, due to the lack of Right of Way rules for that portion of fencing.

If Bond actually has fencing feats, especially feats putting him roughly on Olympic level, I would see him taking both Sabre and Foil, and potentially Épée.

Yeah, fencing at a high level is very rules-driven. I practiced a little when I was young.

Bond's thing came in the movie where a North Korean general had been plastic-surgeried into a british businessman. As I recall, early on, Bond goes to the fencing club where the guy is the club champion and has won an olympic medal, and they duel. Bond is beating the guy, who then ditches his foil and goes for a full on rapier. They duel using live weapons for a while, going through rapier, sabre, broadsword, all kinds of stuff. It's Brosnan-era Bond silliness, before the Craig years toned that down a bit.

[Beadle]

Nick Angel is wondering how he got an invite, and is assuming it was probably a clerical error.

Phoenix and Chev are just flat-out explicitly superhuman, aren’t they? I mean most of these guys are superhuman by feats, but those two guys are superhuman in canon.

[big_adventure]

Nick Angel is wondering how he got an invite, and is assuming it was probably a clerical error.

Phoenix and Chev are just flat-out explicitly superhuman, aren’t they? I mean most of these guys are superhuman by feats, but those two guys are superhuman in canon.

I've never seen Crank, so there, I don't know, but Phoenix is explicitly "superhuman" but his feats aren't remotely on par with the top end guys here. Budget, filming, Wesley Sniping, whatever it was, the feats aren't letting him survive an encounter with Bourne or Hobbs or Dutch from what I recall.

[Sophicles]

In any endurance marathon event, Chev Chelios should win the gold easily.

[The Dog]

Bryan Mills surprises everyone when he reveals one of his "particular" skills is being a master of Equestrian Show Jumping.

[Blackid]

Let's not forget Bryan Mills other special skill.... 32 cuts to jump a fence... that should give him a boost in speed in a marathon. He just keeps edit-teleporting multiple short bursts.

[Little_Mac]

Rambo has horse riding feats at least, from Rambo III, so he should take the Equestrian. Riddick and Bond have lengthy running sequences.

I know that it's Roger Moore (not Daniel Craig) but this feat should count for Equestrian. That's probably enough to get the gold.

[Sharpandpointies]

While I agree with Dutch and Hobbs winning wrestling, I'd say it's a shame they are here. I could have seen Inspector Ma doing fine here otherwise, but well, there is a reason we have weight categories (he'd do better in Judo, but OP didn't ask about Judo)... I have never watched the Bourne movies, but I could see Ma doing well in boxing as well.

Oooo, crap, I totally spaced on him being here.

We have a contender.