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  1. #1
    JUST DO IT?!?! Postmania's Avatar
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    Default Action Heroes go to the Olympics

    Just bc I'm bored, the following action heroes have to take place in a few Olympic events. Who takes overall/how do they do?

    The Athletes

    Jason Bourne
    Riddick
    Hobbs (Fast and Furious series)
    Dutch Schaeffer (Predator)
    John Rambo
    John McClane
    Daniel Craig's James Bond
    Bryan Mills (Taken)
    Nicholas Angel (Hot Fuzz)
    Simon Phoenix (Demolition man)
    Chev Chelios (Crank)
    Inspector Ma (Flashpoint)

    The Events:

    Fencing
    Mountain Biking
    100 Meter Dash
    Marathon
    Wrestling (everyone just gets tossed in regardless of weight class)
    Boxing (same as above)
    Shooting with Pistol
    Shooting with Air Rifle
    Golf
    Tennis
    Diving
    Weightlifting
    Equestrian Show Jumping
    Shot put
    “The master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried.”
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  2. #2
    Rumbles Limbo Champion big_adventure's Avatar
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    Dutch and Hobbs obliterate Weightlifting and Shotput.

    One of them will also win wrestling, if the next guy doesn't.

    Bourne annihilates shooting and boxing.

    One of the blatently superhuman guys probably takes out the Marathon and the 100m. Though we don't have a lot of pure running feats to go by, they are just too ridiculous to imagine a human dealing with them.

    Mountain biking would probably go to one of these guys. Bond and Bourne have way-beyond-real-world skill on motorcycles, and superhuman (for real people) endurance and strength - that should be enough.

    Bond, in his Brosnan form, showed himself to be somewhere around Olympic medal level with a rapier/foil, so he might have a chance. Bourne turns magazines and pens and tea towels into deadly weapons, so he should be good here as well - that combined with his preternatural speed and precision, yeah, he's probably too much for real people.

    The only ones we don't really know for would be Golf, Tennis and Show Jumping. The total lack of feats would make it hard to assume they could play there, despite their fictional advantages.
    "But... But I want to be a big karate cyborg... ;_;" - Nik Hasta
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  3. #3
    The Weeping Mod Sharpandpointies's Avatar
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    I'm mostly with Big (though admittedly I don't know all of the people here, so....). It's only on Fencing that I feel there should be some clarification.

    Fencing has an arcane series of rules for sabre or foil involving Right of Way that will basically end up with Bourne winning the 'fight', but potentially losing due to his points not being counted; he has trained for fighting, not fencing. He'll take the Épée portion, though, due to the lack of Right of Way rules for that portion of fencing.

    If Bond actually has fencing feats, especially feats putting him roughly on Olympic level, I would see him taking both Sabre and Foil, and potentially Épée.
    Why Are We Here?, by Pendaran

    "...the Myths Transformed version of the legendarium, in which the Moon is Melkor's attempt to make his own Arda with blackjack and hookers." - Estrecca

    "...dropping an orca whale made of fire on your enemies is a pretty strong opening move." - Nik Hasta

    "[Kent] Nelson was nearly invariably presented as the guy who, barring the Spectre, made everyone else generally gasp and go "Doctor Fate don't shiv, he balls nasty.", even Superman." - Pendaran

  4. #4
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    Rambo has horse riding feats at least, from Rambo III, so he should take the Equestrian. Riddick and Bond have lengthy running sequences.

  5. #5
    Mokkori... FrenchGemini's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by big_adventure View Post
    Dutch and Hobbs obliterate Weightlifting and Shotput.

    One of them will also win wrestling, if the next guy doesn't.

    Bourne annihilates shooting and boxing.
    While I agree with Dutch and Hobbs winning wrestling, I'd say it's a shame they are here. I could have seen Inspector Ma doing fine here otherwise, but well, there is a reason we have weight categories (he'd do better in Judo, but OP didn't ask about Judo)... I have never watched the Bourne movies, but I could see Ma doing well in boxing as well.


  6. #6
    Rumbles Limbo Champion big_adventure's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sharpandpointies View Post
    I'm mostly with Big (though admittedly I don't know all of the people here, so....). It's only on Fencing that I feel there should be some clarification.

    Fencing has an arcane series of rules for sabre or foil involving Right of Way that will basically end up with Bourne winning the 'fight', but potentially losing due to his points not being counted; he has trained for fighting, not fencing. He'll take the Épée portion, though, due to the lack of Right of Way rules for that portion of fencing.

    If Bond actually has fencing feats, especially feats putting him roughly on Olympic level, I would see him taking both Sabre and Foil, and potentially Épée.
    Yeah, fencing at a high level is very rules-driven. I practiced a little when I was young.

    Bond's thing came in the movie where a North Korean general had been plastic-surgeried into a british businessman. As I recall, early on, Bond goes to the fencing club where the guy is the club champion and has won an olympic medal, and they duel. Bond is beating the guy, who then ditches his foil and goes for a full on rapier. They duel using live weapons for a while, going through rapier, sabre, broadsword, all kinds of stuff. It's Brosnan-era Bond silliness, before the Craig years toned that down a bit.
    "But... But I want to be a big karate cyborg... ;_;" - Nik Hasta
    "Get off my lawn! ...on this forum, that just makes people think of Cyclops." - Sharpandpointies
    "...makes me think the Night King just says "Screw the rules, I have magic money" when it comes to physics." -Captain Morgan

  7. #7
    Prince of Duckness Beadle's Avatar
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    Nick Angel is wondering how he got an invite, and is assuming it was probably a clerical error.

    Phoenix and Chev are just flat-out explicitly superhuman, aren’t they? I mean most of these guys are superhuman by feats, but those two guys are superhuman in canon.

  8. #8
    Rumbles Limbo Champion big_adventure's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beadle View Post
    Nick Angel is wondering how he got an invite, and is assuming it was probably a clerical error.

    Phoenix and Chev are just flat-out explicitly superhuman, aren’t they? I mean most of these guys are superhuman by feats, but those two guys are superhuman in canon.
    I've never seen Crank, so there, I don't know, but Phoenix is explicitly "superhuman" but his feats aren't remotely on par with the top end guys here. Budget, filming, Wesley Sniping, whatever it was, the feats aren't letting him survive an encounter with Bourne or Hobbs or Dutch from what I recall.
    "But... But I want to be a big karate cyborg... ;_;" - Nik Hasta
    "Get off my lawn! ...on this forum, that just makes people think of Cyclops." - Sharpandpointies
    "...makes me think the Night King just says "Screw the rules, I have magic money" when it comes to physics." -Captain Morgan

  9. #9
    Safari Grandma Sophicles's Avatar
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    In any endurance marathon event, Chev Chelios should win the gold easily.

  10. #10
    Give me your SOUL! The Dog's Avatar
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    Bryan Mills surprises everyone when he reveals one of his "particular" skills is being a master of Equestrian Show Jumping.
    Critics who treat adult as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence.
    - C.S. Lewis

  11. #11
    The Recipe for Disaster Blackid's Avatar
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    Let's not forget Bryan Mills other special skill.... 32 cuts to jump a fence... that should give him a boost in speed in a marathon. He just keeps edit-teleporting multiple short bursts.
    The Recipe for Disaster asks for Blasphemy, but as for me, ask for me, I give it gravity.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by StupidMoniker View Post
    Rambo has horse riding feats at least, from Rambo III, so he should take the Equestrian. Riddick and Bond have lengthy running sequences.
    I know that it's Roger Moore (not Daniel Craig) but this feat should count for Equestrian. That's probably enough to get the gold.


  13. #13
    The Weeping Mod Sharpandpointies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FrenchGemini View Post
    While I agree with Dutch and Hobbs winning wrestling, I'd say it's a shame they are here. I could have seen Inspector Ma doing fine here otherwise, but well, there is a reason we have weight categories (he'd do better in Judo, but OP didn't ask about Judo)... I have never watched the Bourne movies, but I could see Ma doing well in boxing as well.

    Oooo, crap, I totally spaced on him being here.

    We have a contender.
    Why Are We Here?, by Pendaran

    "...the Myths Transformed version of the legendarium, in which the Moon is Melkor's attempt to make his own Arda with blackjack and hookers." - Estrecca

    "...dropping an orca whale made of fire on your enemies is a pretty strong opening move." - Nik Hasta

    "[Kent] Nelson was nearly invariably presented as the guy who, barring the Spectre, made everyone else generally gasp and go "Doctor Fate don't shiv, he balls nasty.", even Superman." - Pendaran

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