Opinions on Comic script (One Page)

[ThomasC.]

PAGE 1

Panel 1: two guys in a small cramp apartment, bottles and cigeretts cover the room. Frank is standing in the middle of the room with both arms out to his side. The other (Russ) is wrapping bags of cocaine with tape on his body.

Panel 1: close up of Frank with his arms out staight, cigarette hanging on lips.

Frank: Jeezus Christ Russ, why dont you just hand me to the cops.

Panel 2: Birds eye view of entire room, messy and stale. Russ is still warapping duck tape to Frank’s body holding the bags in place.

Russ: As long as ya keep ya head down an do what I say no cop will think twice.

Frank: Third times the charm ain't it Russ.

Panel 3: 3/4 view. Frank is testing out the bags, making sure there durable. Frank finishes the job and tosses the tape off screen facing away from frank.

Russ: This times different ya drag. The boss got it all figured out, cops paid off, no cameras, no double crossers, it'll be jus fine, Franky.

Panel 4: shoulder height and above of Frank putting jacket on awkwardly over the bags.

Frank: How about a bodyguard for the guy with 20 grams of coke strapped to his ribs?

Panel 5: close up of Russ smiling nasty teeth and all.

Russ: Like I said Frank, the boss got it all figured out.

[ExcelsiorPrime]

I like it. A nice caption giving the location would be nice. You know--City, state, or Country and time of day. Other than that it was interesting..and isn't that what its all about getting readers interested?

[Ghost]

Its not bad overall, Id like to see some more. I agree with Excelsior though you might do a little bit more to describe where the story is taking place. Either through a zoomed out establishing shot of the apartment complex or a brief caption explaining the location or time.

I also suggest considering beginning the story in the middle of some kindof action instead of in a 'gearing up' phase. Im gathering this is a story about some kindof drug mule crossing a border, probably going through an airport or border crossing? What if the first page began with Frank already at the airport and you found a way to incorporate the above conversation as an inner monologue as hes going through security, slowly revealing that hes loaded down with drugs as he recalls the earlier events with Russ.

Id also suggest to do a quick spell check. I misspell words all the time so I speak from experience lol.

[TheContentBloke]

Spotted a number of spelling and punctuation boo-boos.

The people who matter in the comic biz won't take your work seriously if it's riddled with errors.