NFL 2021 Regular Season!

[worstblogever]

Time to tailgate to see people power-bombed through a folding table, It's... Why Your Team Sucks... The Buffalo Bills! The Bills took a HUGE jump last year, advancing all the way to the AFC Championship game after almost a quarter century of being in the Patriots' and Jets' shadows (okay, maybe like 3 of those years were the Jets). So now, let's all make fun of Cole Beasley for being an anti-vaxxer...



To the Bills Mafia:

• Drew Magary:"Last year, a lot of Bills fans wrote in and said, 'We’re gonna win the Super Bowl right in the middle of a pandemic because life is s***,' which is a pretty galling humblebrag when you think about it. But those fans turned out to be broadly correct in the absolute funniest way possible. In 2020, the Bills established themselves as a conference powerhouse and then field-goaled themselves right out of a chance at the Super Bowl. And, save for a few VIP mothballs they let in for their two home playoff games, no one saw it. The greatest season the Bills have had this century, and it may as well have happened in f***ing outer space. And they didn’t even get a ring out of it. How marvelous. Your QB is Josh Allen, the country bumpkin who magically went from a busted Juggs machine to an MVP candidate the second Stefon Diggs came into town. The Bills then rewarded Allen with $150 million in guaranteed money. Meanwhile, Diggs is currently the 19th-highest paid wideout in football. I’m sure this’ll cause no internal strife of any sort.
  
  You might think that Allen’s deal ensures stability at quarterback and that the Bills will win 12-plus games a year every year going forward. But lemme tell you something: No other quarterback in football screams Local Hayseed Wins Powerball And It Ruins His Life more than Josh Allen. Come Halloween, he’ll hand out little baggies of meth that he brewed out of his gold-plated bathtub. He’s Ryan Leaf with better coaching, and I still don’t think he’s vaccinated. Speaking of Ryan Leaf, your backup is Mitch Trubisky."

• Kyle:"The amount of delusion that Bills fans had leading up to the AFC title game against the Chiefs would make even the biggest QAnon believer say, 'Calm down with your bullshit.'"

• Zack:" We wasted the window where Josh Allen had to contend with zero crowd noise, and now Cole Beasley will spread the Zeta variant throughout the entire locker room. It was fun while it lasted. Sean McDermott is so health-obsessed he thinks Greek yogurt is an indulgence and even his moron players won’t get vaccinated."

• Taylor:" Just a quick update on how Terry and Kim Pegula’s non******* ventures are going.
  
  -The Sabres are starting another rebuild after finishing last overall in the NHL for the fourth time in eight years, and are a year away from breaking the all-time record for most consecutive playoff misses. Meanwhile, they’re allegedly losing $40-60 million per year on the team.
  -They fired the Sabres entire minor league staff seemingly without cause. When Sabres GM Jason Botterill refused to be the one to do the firing, they fired him and replaced him with a GM that had been working with youth hockey players and had no prior management experience. For his first season, he didn’t even have an assistant GM or most of a scouting staff.
  -Kim Pegula serves as the President of the Bills, Sabres, Buffalo Bandits, Rochester Nighthawks and Rochester Americans (AHL) despite her having no professional experience of any kind.
  -They fired almost everyone employed by the Bills and Sabres during the pandemic and have not yet gotten around to filling all of those spots. This came after a pre-pandemic series of video conferences with employees, which stressed being more financially efficient. One of the goals listed during the presentation was “maintaining the family lifestyle.” Soon after, they had to pause construction on their superyacht. But, there’s a happy ending: the yacht has since been completed.
  -The gaudy, gigantic restaurant they opened outside of Keybank Center in Buffalo in 2014, which is basically a worse, more expensive Applebees, has been closed since March 2020 and will be reopening under new ownership.
  -The other less gaudy, but still gigantic bar/brewery/restaurant they co-own with Labatt fired all of its workers in March 2020 and has yet to reopen.
  -They’ve doubled down on the US fracking market despite other, larger firms cashing out.
  -They cut one-third of jobs from their marketing firm just two years after forming it.
  -In what should have been a stress-free, easy interview with the Athletic about his childhood love of baseball, Terry said that Roger Maris was treated more unfairly than any baseball player in history. This would, of course, include Jackie Robinson and every other player from the days of segregation.
  
  So you could say I’m nervous about them potentially having even a little bit of control over the Bills.

• Mark:" August 2021: The Bills open training camp with a roster that rivals any in franchise history. Fans can’t believe that they get to unironically wear the same QB’s jersey for a fourth year running, let alone contemplate football in February. Sky’s the limit!
  
  August 2022: Cole Beasley is the governor of breakaway Upstate New York. The seceded state’s flag is a silhouette of a mullet. Bills change logo to a vaccine card with “HIPPA” misspelled in crayon. Terry and Kim Pegula move the team to Florida, where they have been bunkered since refusing to issue refunds to fans for home games forfeited after Bills’ locker room unvax’d COVID outbreak. At the same time they’re paying four fired Sabres head coaches. We deserve every bit of it. "

• Mark:" “Hey, I decided I’m not gonna get vaccinated, it’s my choice and I don’t care what anyone has to say about it”
  
  “Ok, sure thing dude”
  
  “Seriously, I’m not gonna get it, everyone needs to just back off and respect my decision! I’m done talking about it”
  
  “K, heard you loud and clear the first time”
  
  “Whatever happened to God’s will! I’m gonna exercise and stay hydrated!!”
  
  “Sorry……….what??”
  
  “I’d rather die living! I might have to retire if I don’t stop getting harassed”
  
  “Didn’t you say you were done talking about it?”"

• Mike:"I’ve been a Bills fan for 20 years and this was unequivocally the greatest season in my life. It *still* ended the same way virtually every other season did: with Tom Brady going further than the Bills and winning a damn Super Bowl."