All right, there's two teams left for WYTS, and I'm going to apologize up front to Super-E, because holy s***, did KC fans bring the heat for their own team... that's right, it's... Why Your Team Sucks... The Kansas City Chiefs! The Chiefs still have Patrick Mahomes and a ton of talent at skill positions, so it's gonna be okay, right?
... Right?
To the Chiefs fans:
Drew Magary:Your coach is still Andy Reid, whose son permanently incapacitated a 5-year-old girl in a car crash on the eve of the Super Bowl. Assistant coach Britt Reid was driving nearly 84 mph when he hit that girl. He was also apparently s***faced and on more Adderall than a junior at Oberlin. Did ANYONE point the finger at Reid’s ***hole kid for the lives he destroyed? Not in this town, they didn’t.
Meanwhile, Frank Clark was arrested for felony firearm possession. Twice. THIS GUY REALLY LOVES TO BE ARRESTED. Almost as much as Missourians love getting COVID! Frank just driving from state to state with a trunk full of guns, getting a rock-hard d*** and crying out ARREST ME DADDY the second he gets caught. You can get away with harboring the likes of Frank Clark and Tyreek Hill when you’re the Chiefs and whizzing the ball all over the stadium to win championships. But you CAN’T get away with that s*** when you get to the Super Bowl and then lay down like f***ing Lord Cornwallis did. When you let Tampa Bay—TAMPA BAY!—hog all that glory, people suddenly remember that your team is a boarding house for unrepentant s***bags. HONEYMOON’S OVER FOR YOU, F***NUTS." Bryan:"They went out with a hobbled, once-in-a-lifetime QB playing behind a papier mâché offensive line and changed exactly nothing about their gameplan to gift wrap Tom goddamn Brady his 600th Super Bowl." Keith:"The most exciting team in the league with the loudest stadium in the league is going to play in front of zero fans this season because the entire state either has COVID or is locked up for storming the Capitol." Kyle:"Mecole Hardman couldn’t run a correct route if a Bazookas girl walked him through it." Gilbert:"I work at an elementary school in Kansas near KC metro. The week of the Super Bowl, the staff decided to have a Chiefs themed pep week. One of these themed days was a Cheetah print day to honor Tyreek Hill. Our school day looked like something out of Carole Baskin’s wet dream. Bright red and cheetah print to celebrate a guy who assaulted his pregnant girlfriend and also got away with abusing and threatening his own kid.
We deserved to our ass kicked in the Super Bowl." Brett:"Frank Clark is an absolute piece of s*** who we traded a first-rounder for AND paid a f***ton of money for so that he could drive around Los Angeles with a car full of SMGs like he’s hunting Sarah Connor." Mark:"I went to a Chiefs game about 10 years ago and, while tailgating, spotted a fan with a jersey that had six names of early-round defensive tackles that we whiffed on over the course of the previous eight years…luminaries such as Eric Downing, Ryan Sims, Junior Siavii, Turk McBride, Glenn Dorsey, and Alex Magee. No, you don’t remember any of them.
This was right around the time Jovan Belcher committed a murder suicide, with the suicide part happening directly in front of the GM.
How does the team respond? They basically say 'We can’t be 3-13 AND have historically bad character as a team. Let’s REALLY lean into the bad character and hope nobody notices because we hired a Santa Claus impersonator to be the head coach who can usually field a winning team.' So congrats to us, we have our winning team with no fewer than four recent/current players and coaches (Frank Clark, Tyreek Hill, Britt Reid, Kareem Hunt) who make Adrian Peterson look like a saint."