NFL 2022 Regular Season Thread.

[worstblogever]

Off-Season's over, Pre-Season's over. We're on to the 17 game, 18 week Regular Season schedule.

Usually we kick things off in here by all positing our wild predictions for our favorite teams, division winners and playoff contenders. Or start bragging about who we snagged in fantasy drafts. (And WBE tries to provide the "best of" Drew Magary's "WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS" columns.)

Drop your hot takes before the NFL Kickoff Game on 9/8, when it's the defending champs, the L.A. Rams vs. the Buffalo Bills.

[SUPERECWFAN1]

Kansas City seems to be in a weird position. The team clearly has new WR's that Mahomes has to work with and an older Travis Kelce. They also have a young defense (they let older veterans go) and its....a big question mark. Its one of the biggest question marks this year as KC tries to reload for 2023 and more.

I don't have a lot of faith they can make it to AFC Championship given the changes done. The Bills and Bengals to me are the odds on favorites to be in AFC Championship.

[Ghost Rider TheHellfireDemon]

The Titans are going to have to adjust after trading AJ Brown to the Eagles.
While they will be adjusting because Burks is a rookie WR they still have a realistic chance to win the AFC South.

[CSTowle]

My predictions (knowing listed possible/likely losses won't exactly add up but erring on side of pessimism):

AFC East

Bills: 13-4 (possible losses: @Rams, @Ravens, @Chiefs, vs Packers, @Bengals, take 1 of 5)
Dolphins: 9-8 (likely Ls: 2 vs Bills, @Ravens, @Bengals, @49ers, @Chargers, vs GB, lose one vs Pats)
Patriots: 8-9 (likely Ls: 2 vs Bills, @Dolphins, vs Ravens, @Packers, @Cardinals, @Raiders, vs Bengals, one of Vikings or Colts) homer?
Jets: 2-15 (possible wins: @Cleveland, @Steelers, vs Bears, @Seahawks, take 2 of 4) kinda brutal schedule

AFC North

Ravens: 14-3 (possible losses: 1 vs Bengals, vs Bills, @Buccaneers, vs Denver, take 1 of 4)
Bengals: 13-4 (possible losses: 1 vs Ravens, lose one of either @Cowboys or @Titans, vs Chiefs, @Buccaneers, vs Bills, take 1 of 5)
Browns: 5-12 (possible wins: vs Jets, @Falcons, vs Saints (Watson back), @Commanders, @Steelers)
Steelers: 3-14 (possible wins: @Browns, vs Jets, one of vs Saints or at Atlanta)

AFC South

Colts: 9-8 (likely losses: 1 against Titans, vs Chiefs, @Broncos, @Raiders, @Chargers, 3 of Patriots/Eagles/Cowboys/Vikings)
Titans: 8-9 (likely losses: 1 against Colts, @Bills, vs Raiders, @Chiefs, @Packers, vs Bengals, @Chargers, 2 of Broncos/Eagles/Cowboys)
Texans: 4-13 (possible wins: 1 against Jaguars, @Bears, one of Giants or Commanders, vs Browns)
Jaguars: 3-14 (possible wins: 1 against Texans, one of Commanders or Giants, @Jets)

AFC West

Chargers: 12-5 (possible losses: 1 each vs Broncos/Raiders/Chiefs, @Cardinals, vs Rams)
Raiders: 12-5 (possible losses: 1 each vs Broncos/Chiefs/Chargers, vs Cardinals, @Rams)
Broncos: 11-6 (possible losses: 1 each vs Chargers/Chiefs/Raiders, @Ravens, vs Cardinals, @Rams)
Chiefs: 10-7 (possible losses: 1 each vs Broncos/Raiders/Chargers, @Buccaneers, vs Bills, vs Rams, one of Bengals or Cardinals)

NFC East

Eagles: 12-5 (possible losses: 1 against Cowboys, @Cardinals, vs Packers, 2 of Titans, Colts, and Vikings)
Cowboys: 11-6 (possible losses: 1 against Eagles, vs Buccaneers, vs Bengals, @Rams, @Packers, one of Titans or Colts)
Commies: 5-12 (possible wins: 1 against Giants, @Bears, vs Falcons, 2 of Jaguars or Lions or Texans)
Giants: 4-13 (possible wins: 1 against the Commanders, vs Bears, 2 of @Jaguars, @Seahawks, vs Texans, vs Lions)

NFC North

Packers: 13-4 (possible losses: 1 against Vikings, @Buccaneers, @Bills, vs Rams)
Vikings: 12-5 (possible losses: 1 against Packers, vs Cardinals, @Bills, 2 of Colts/Eagles/Cowboys/Dolphins)
Lions: 4-13 (possible wins: 1 against Bears, vs Seahawks, 2 of Giants/Jags/Commanders/Panthers)
Bears: 3-14 (possible wins: 1 against Lions, 2 of Jets/Texans/Giants/Commanders/*********going to be some bad football this year)

NFC South

Bucc's: 13-4 (possible Ls: vs Packers, vs Chiefs, vs Ravens, vs Rams, vs Bengals, @Cardinals, go 2-4 of these)
Panthers: 8-9 (likely Ls: 2 against Buccs, 1 against Saints, vs Cardinals, vs 49ers, @Rams, @Bengals, @Ravens, vs Broncos)
Saints: 5-12 (likely Ls: 2 against Buccs, 1 against Panthers, vs Vikings, vs Bengals, @Cardinals, vs Raiders, vs Ravens, vs Rams, @49ers, @Browns (Watson), @Eagles)
Falcons: 1-16 (possible wins: @Seattle? Who's coming out next year, because they're almost a lock for #1 pick)

NFC West

49ers: 12-5 (possible Ls: 1 each against Rams and Cardinals, Broncos/Chiefs/Raiders/Chargers, vs Buccaneers (2-3 on those games)
Rams: 11-6 (possible Ls: 1 each against Cardinals and 49ers, vs Bills, @Buccaneers, @Chiefs, vs Raiders, @Packers, vs Broncos, @Chargers, go 3-4 on non-division games here)
Cards: 11-6 (possible Ls: 1 each against Rams and 49ers, vs Chiefs, @Raiders, vs Chargers, @Broncos, vs Buccaneers (2-3 on those games), one of Vikings or Eagles)
'hawks: 1-16 (possible wins: @Falcons, vs Giants, vs Jets, figure 1-2)

So Playoff Seeding:

AFC 1st/Bye- Ravens, Divisions: Bills (2), Chargers (3), Colts (4) Wildcards: Bengals (5), Raiders (6), Broncos (7)

NFC 1st/Bye- Buccaneers (division record and strength of schedule), Divisions: Packers (2), 49ers (3), Eagles (4, same division/SOS tie-breaker) Wildcards: Vikings (5), Rams (6), Cardinals (7, same division/SOS tie-breaker)

Wildcard Weekend:

AFC

Broncos @ Bills, Raiders @Chargers, Bengals @ Colts

NFC

Cardinals @ Packers, Rams @ 49ers, Vikings @ Eagles

Divisional Round

AFC

Raiders @Ravens, Bengals @ Bills

NFC

Rams @ Buccaneers, Eagles @ Packers

Championship Round

AFC

Raiders @ Bills

NFC

Packers @ Buccaneers

Super Bowl!

Bills vs Buccaneers: Winner: Tom Brady and the Buccaneers ruin one more Bills season. Worst possible timeline for the Bills mafia.

[worstblogever]

It's time for 2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS!

Alas, we don't have Urban Meyer to laugh at/blame every loss and failing to develop Trevor Lawrence on this year. DOUG PEDERSON, COME ON DOWN!



The best takes from the few Jags fans that came forward:

• Drew Magary: "Your 2021 record: 3-14, and I promise you that this team’s 1-15 season the year prior was more dignified. The 2021 Jaguars got dusted more often than a set of venetian blinds. Eleven of their losses came by double-digit margins. They opened their season with a loss to a Texans outfit that, right up until that moment, was the most embarrassing organization in the league. They lost to a Jets team that had 20 players out with COVID-19. They had a turnover differential of -20, seven worse than the next team. Their mascot nearly pulled an Owen Hart. They hired the Texans’ PR flack away from Houston only to watch her leave the NFL altogether at season’s end. They had an onside kick returned for a touchdown. Their No. 1 draft pick—the best QB prospect since Andrew Luck—got outplayed all season long by Mac Jones. I wanna fucking die. Aren’t these people professionals? How do you f*** up THIS badly? Who was in charge of this s*** salad?
  
  Oh. Right. Show the video.
  
  Terrible video. I wasn’t even turned on by it, and I’m turned on by everything. That’s Urban Meyer, who suffers from a rare brain condition that causes rage blackouts, uncontrollable kicking spasms, and spontaneous dry humping. You might remember last preseason, when Urban had already disgraced himself by attempting to hire known racist Chris Doyle as his strength coach, and when he attempted to buff his halo one final time by inviting Tim Tebow’s promise ring to training camp to play tight end. Fortunately for you and me, that was only the BEGINNING of Urban’s disgraces. So many disgraces, I’m surprised he didn’t re-animate the corpse of Aaron Hernandez and send it on a five-state killing spree."

• Alex:"In 2014, at a sports bar in Oakland, I asked the bartender if they were going to show the Jags game. She asked me what sport that was. I hesitated for a second, shrugged, and responded, “Football?”"

• Jordon: " The Jaguars do not have a single player on their team that they drafted before 2017. As a reminder: between 2008 and 2017, the Jaguars drafted in the top 10 every single year.
  
  2020 1st round pick: CJ Henderson, traded for a 3rd round pick one year later
  2017 1st round pick: Leonard Fournette. Cut by Jags in 2021, signed by the Bucs and won a Super Bowl. Jaguars received no compensation.
  2016 1st round pick: Jalen Ramsey: perennial all-pro, Super Bowl winner and likely HOFer – plays for the Rams.
  2014 2nd round pick: Allen Robinson. Jaguars let walk as a free agent in 2018 and received no compensation, Robinson signed with the Bears, has been top 20 in WR receiving yards since then despite playing for the Bears. He has been better than any WR the Jaguars have had in the meantime.
  2012 3rd round pick: Bryan Anger, a punter (!). Made his first Pro Bowl in 2021. With the Cowboys.
  2010 1st round pick: Tyson Alualu, still in NFL and contributing as an defensive lineman. For the Steelers
  2006 1st round pick: Marcedes Lewis: will tie the NFL all-time record for seasons played by a tight end in 2022. Has played the last four of those seasons for the Packers, in the process taking multiple trips to the NFC title game.
  
  The Jaguars are a great team to follow if you enjoy watching players leave to have great success somewhere else."

• Billy: "Trent Baalke is still here! The big brain behind hiring Jim Tomsula, Chip Kelly, and Urban Meyer is still running a football team! The Jags could have hired anyone to replace Urbs but they insisted that f***ing Baalke had to be part of the package."

[worstblogever]

It's time for 2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE DETROIT LIONS!

NOW WITH SURRENDER COBRAS!



The best takes from suffering Lions fans:

• Drew Magary: "Your quarterback: You don’t have one. You have this guy. That’s Jared Goff, last seen working as Ryan Gosling’s stunt double on the set of the new Barbie movie. You might remember Goff from last season when the Lions benched him, only to realize that all of their other quarterbacks were somehow even worse. You might also remember the time that Goff didn’t realize the ball was about to be snapped. Or you might remember that Goff is a system QB who wasn’t even good when he was in a good system. The Lions don’t seem to remember any of that, because they had all offseason replace Goff and did NOTHING. They could have drafted someone, or traded for a veteran, or even hired your cousin Fred to do the job. They did none of that, hence nothing else about this team matters right now. A headless chicken in Iron Man’s armor is still headless.
  
  Your backups are still Tim Boyle and the immortal David “Mister” Blough. Ten years from now, one of these men will be hired as offensive coordinator of the Falcons and then fired a year later."

• Ken: "I’m to the point where I can’t figure out if Goff can’t read in general, let alone a defense."

• Ryan: "Stafford has 400% more playoff wins in his career in one year not in Detroit than Detroit does in the Super Bowl era."

• Kiah: "The last time these dips***s won a championship, Nancy Pelosi was still in high school."

• Chris: " September 12, 2010. The first Sunday of a new NFL season.
  
  My grandfather (“Pa,” as we called him), had been living with Parkinson’s Disease for a decade, and the end was near. So, a dozen members of my family–aunts, uncles, cousins–had traveled from various points across the Midwest to my grandparents’ house in central Michigan to say their goodbyes. But as anyone who has lost a loved one to degenerative illness understands, the family had been saying its goodbyes for a long time. Watching Pa’s slow transformation into a living memory had been an agonizing experience–for his grandkids, definitely for his children, but especially for my grandma (“Na”), who’d spent every day of the last 10 years caring for him as he declined.
  
  My grandparents met while serving in World War II. Pa’s leg had been blown off by a landmine, and Na was his nurse during recovery. They fell in love, got married, and had kids. And now, 65 years later, here she was taking care of him once again, their relationship coming full circle. In a sentimental, writery sort of way, it was a fitting and poignant end to their love story. But Na was not a writer, she was a nurse, and in a real-life, human sort of way, the previous decade had taken an enormous fucking toll on her. For that reason, amidst the sadness of the day, there was also a sense of imminent relief.
  
  And for the Lions, there was hope. Matthew Stafford was entering his second season. His rookie year (particularly the now-infamous mic’d up Browns game) had done enough to convince us he was the Quarterback Who Was Promised. The Lions had just drafted Ndamukong Suh; Calvin Johnson was Calvin Johnson; Jim Schwartz would tweet about listening to Iron Maiden on the way to games. 24-year-old me could not have been more in on a Lions team.
  
  Pa was a Lions fan of the Greatest Generation, and like many men his age, his fandom was anchored in two steadfast principles: an undying love for Bobby Layne and an undying hatred of the Chicago Bears. How appropriate, then, that the family’s final game with Pa could be this one–the birth of a new era of Lions football, announced through the destruction of the franchise he loathed. What a way to go.
  
  And for a while, we actually believed things would work out that way. The Lions came out swinging. After a second early touchdown put them up 14-3, my oldest brother walked across the living room to Pa’s bedside to tell him the good news: not only were the Lions beating the Bears on opening day, they were doing so behind a quarterback from Bobby Layne’s high school! My brother swears to this day that when he delivered the message, Pa’s eyes lit up with the faintest glimmer of recognition–even happiness. I choose to believe him. Here, at the end of this interminable march to death, was a brief moment of joy.
  
  But Lions fans are rarely afforded that privilege.
  
  The Bears scored a 79-yard touchdown on the next play from scrimmage. Just before the half, Stafford took a hit from Julius Peppers and stayed down on the grass, holding his shoulder. Shaun Hill closed out the first half, and when he started the second, the pit in our stomachs widened into an abyss. Late in the fourth quarter, the Bears scored a touchdown to take the lead.
  
  Lions fans all know what happened next. Calvin Johnson, walking demigod that he was, tried to save us. But as the referees kept debating his game-winning catch, as more time passed without confirmation of the touchdown, we all knew where things were headed.
  
  When the catch was finally overturned, everyone reacted in their own way–the younger generation with rage and profanity, the older generation with chuckling disbelief. But if anyone had taken a moment to look over at Pa in his bed, I like to imagine they would have seen a second glimmer of recognition in his eyes: an exhausted disappointment as this goddamned team let him down one final time.
  
  He died the next day. My brothers and I still watch every Sunday."

[worstblogever]

It's time for 2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE HOUSTON TEXANS!

What franchise player will they trade away for a 2nd rounder and a 10 lb. bag of chicken feed next?



The best takes from Texans faithful:

• Drew Magary: "So let’s recap:
  
  - The Texans draft Deshaun Watson
  - He’s really good; they’re set for at least the next decade
  - But Watson spends the bulk of his free time hunting around on Instagram for full body work from unsuspecting professional and nonprofessional massage therapists alike
  - He’s also playing for Bill O’Brien, who sucks **** through a paper straw
  - They blow a 24-3 lead to the Chiefs in the 2019 playoffs
  - They somehow alienate Watson while simultaneously enabling him. It’s not unlike your parents’ marriage
  - Watson refuses to play for them after the 2020 season
  - They refuse to trade him
  - THE DAVIS MILLS EXPERIENCE
  - A Texas grand jury declines to indict Watson, because assaulting women is legal in that state anyway
  - They trade Watson to Cleveland for three first-rounders and change
  - But they’re still part of this scandal AND they’re f***ing terrible."

• Ratto: "Jack Easterby (8-25 and running) is still controlling the franchise, and Cal McNair is now an exhibit at the Houston Zoo. Getting out from under the Deshaun Watson debacle is Easterby’s finest hour, and having Davis Mills as the team’s new quarterback is his second finest hour. Neither hour is actually good, though, so you see where the bar is set: in a roadside ditch half-filled with roadkill tossed there by the highway department.."

• Jared: "Do you have any idea of the unflinching dedication and effort it took for Jack Easterby to become the most universally and irredeemably reviled snake-headed piece of s*** in a city that produced JOEL F***ING OSTEEN?!"

• John: "They keep trying to hire Josh McCown to be head coach. He’s got absolutely no coaching experience of any kind, but he does go to the same church as Jack Easterby which means that not only is he a Christian, but he’s the right kind of Christian."

• Nate: "Shortly after my mother-in-law’s fiancé Bill was diagnosed with terminal cancer, they decided to get married as quickly as they could to try and enjoy as much of their remaining time together as they could. When they asked me to perform the ceremony, it was my honor to accept. I am still thrilled that I was able to do that for them. It was a lovely, small ceremony, with family and dear friends in attendance. Afterwards, there was good food and lots of booze, and wouldn’t you know it? The Texans were in the goddamn playoffs! And the game was a fucking corker. The Texans roared ahead early and just couldn’t stop scoring. One of the guests clapped me on the shoulder and said, “This is gonna be our year!”
  
  The Chiefs then scored 51 unanswered points, and it is unclear whether the Texans will ever so much as sniff the playoffs again.
  
  Bill died two months later. Deshaun Watson is an unrepentant rapist (am I sad he is Cleveland’s problem now? No I am not). Jack Easterby is still the answer to the question “What if Rasputin, but at a ‘Disciple Now’ retreat?”"

[worstblogever]

It's time for 2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE NEW YORK JETS!

Ah yes. The team that only exists to make sure the Giants look smarter.



The best takes from Jets fans:

• Drew Magary: "That’s second year QB Zach Wilson, who spent this offseason embodying every Brazzers video you’ve ever watched. Wilson stands accused by his ex-girlfriend of f***ing his mom’s best friend. If you’re familiar with Mrs. Wilson’s body of work, this development actually feels predictable. Mrs. Wilson is in that social class of middle-aged people who are both angry and horny ALL THE TIME, so it was only natural that her son—who exudes next generation pornstar vibes—would take advantage. Kinda wish she’d been MY mom. Who knows how much action I would’ve gotten from her fellow Karens.
  
  Anyway, Lisa Wilson is out of her f***ing mind. I can’t even imagine how many pink guns she owns. Her Instagram page is an unnerving tour through the psyche of Grievance America. She claims that “many people” say to her that her videos “are what gets them out of bed in the morning.” Sounds like something Rudy Giuliani would say to her.."

• Thomas: "We always win two games we have absolutely no business winning to make sure we don’t end up with the first overall pick we’ve deserved eight out of the last 10 years. We will get swept by our division by a combined score of 210-25, with over 100 of those points put up by the f***ing Patriots, whose post-Brady teams dust us worse than when the Bad Man was in the division. We’re gonna get killed by Belichick’s kid, who looks like different statuses of how close you are to death in Doom. "

• Colin: "Watching another snakebitten franchise like the Bengals get to the Super Bowl makes it all the more depressing knowing in my heart that will never happen again for the Jets. F*** Woody Johnson with the lifeless body of Adam Gase."

• William: "The greatest quarterback in team history had a TD/Interception ratio of 170/215."

• Nate: "The Jets possess a certain humiliation factor that is unrivaled by the other teams. Consider their franchise QB situation since 2000.
  
  -Chad Pennington, famous for his feeble arm strength.
  -Mark Sanchez, reached two AFCC games, but best known for the Buttfumble.
  -Geno Smith, had his jaw broken by a disgruntled teammate over a $600 debt.
  -Christian Hackenberg, only considered a potential franchise QB by two or three people in the world, one of whom was in charge of the Jets draft. More suited to be a Hardee’s Franchisee.
  -Sam Darnold, immortalized in a gif which has been memed into an all purpose Swiss Army Knife of Jets insults.
  -Zach Wilson, too early to say but likely to carry the reputation of an adjunct member of the Draper, Utah Ladies Book Club.
  
  In 10 years, when Jets rookie QB Keighdyn Roethlisberger is arrested for indecent exposure at a Rockettes show, Wilson’s MILF Hunter status will probably just be the middle of a continued line of ignominy from the league’s premiere circus attraction."