NFL 2022 Regular Season Thread.

[worstblogever]

One week from kickoff... we're on to last year's 9th worst team...
2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE DENVER BRONCOS!

Hey, at least your QB situation improved, but low bar to clear...



From Broncos fans:

• Drew Magary: "A respectable 7-10. There were worse seven-win teams out there last season (the Falcons), so really I don’t know how you can call the 2021 Broncos anything other than a success. YOU try winning seven games when you have Teddy Bridgewater and Drew Lock as your quarterbacks. If I had been coaching this team with those two at the helm, you guys would have been good and fucked.
  
  Not that these Broncos were all that FUN. You just had your fifth losing season in a row. You lost a Thursday Night game to Case Keenum. You went 1-5 in the division. You blew a 3-0 start out of the gate. You closed the season with four straight losses. You haven’t had a running back crack 1,200 yards since 2004 (Reuben Droughns!). You traded Von Miller midseason after he demanded his teammates chip in for a Halloween party he threw at his house (Miller would go on to win a Super Bowl)."

• Matt: "Russell Wilson is a dork and I can’t believe I’m going to be stuck rooting for him for the next decade. Everyone wants to act like Wilson is the one missing piece Denver needs when, in reality, we’ve gone from worst team in the AFC West to the second worst team in the AFC West.
  
  We finally got rid of the fucking trust for Bowlen’s idiot children just to replace them with a Walton. That sound you’re hearing is Mile High Stadium turning 21 and Rob Walton wondering how much money he can suck out of Denver for some new digs that will certainly be in a way worse location."

• Ted: "I have so thoroughly given myself over to the cult of our new, goofy, concussion water-promoting quarterback that there are days where I forget that he was one of the key figures in the worst Broncos humiliation of my lifetime. Let’s Ride. "

• Eric: "The monkey’s paw has fully curled. Morally we have become the most detestable team this side of Dan Snyder. I’m sure our new Walmart failson owner will be taking notes from Washington on how to turn a respectable franchise into a stinking mass of rot. No matter how well 2022’s season goes, the clock is already ticking. Our mighty stallion has a heart full of black mold. The killer is in the house.
  
  Von Miller is gonna get a third ring this year. We sold our souls to still lose to the f***ing Chiefs twice every fall."

• Other Drew: "We wasted the rest of Von Miller’s time in Denver for him to get traded to LA and win a Super Bowl for Stan Kroenke. F*** Stan Kroenke and his mange-ridden ferret of a toupee."

[worstblogever]

Next up today...
2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE SEATTLE SEAHWAWKS!

How bad does this team have to be to see Pete Carroll forced into retirement? LET'S FIND OUT!



From the so-called "12th man":

• Drew Magary: "Your 2021 record: 7-10, the first time the Seahawks have had a losing record since 2011, when the late Tarvaris Jackson was their leading passer. Let’s Remember Some Dead Guys!
  
  Fresh off a division title from the year prior, the 2021 Seahawks blew a 30-16 fourth quarter lead to the Titans. Their starting QB had his finger deboned. Their backup QB fumbled in overtime to blow a game against the Steelers. They had the worst offensive line in football for the 90th year in a row. And they lost on a last-second touchdown and two-point conversion to—the Packers? Tom Brady? The eventual world champion Rams?—Nick Foles and the Bears. F*** a duck.
  
  Thus, what started off as a standard Seahawks season where they win 10-plus games and then blow a chance to make the NFC title game devolved into an Oops! Total Rebuild! affair. No team in 2021 was more unpleasant to watch, not even Deshaun Watson’s legal team."

• Paul: "Of course they traded Russ to Mountain Seattle for a bag of balls and less talented version of Rick Mirer. F*** this team with one of Jody Allen's smuggled elephant tusks."

• Timothy: "They actually did it. Jody Allen looked at the best QB in franchise history and at the 70-year-old dinosaur coach who refuses to adapt his decade-old system to the modern NFL, and said, 'I’m going with the guy who wouldn’t run Marshawn Lynch from the one-yard line to win the Super Bowl.' This team deserves to go 4-13 for the next decade. "

• Brian: "Being hired as an offensive coordinator by Pete Carroll is like being promised to one of Walder Frey’s daughters."

• Jay: "Russell Wilson’s departure is obviously tough, but Ciara’s departure restoring Macklemore’s title as our most relevant pop culture figure might be more demoralizing."

[worstblogever]

Moving on to...
2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE WASHINGTON COMMANDERS!

Because there are never enough moments for us to talk about what a motherf***er Dan Snyder is.



From the newly crowned Commanders' fans:

• Drew Magary: "Your 2021 record: 7-10. We long ago reached the point where the losing became the LEAST embarrassing thing about this piece of s*** franchise, but let’s recap for posterity’s sake. The Commanders haven’t had a winning record since 2016, and even 2016 seems too recent. They counted on an 87-year-old Ryan Fitzpatrick to lead them to respectability in 2021, only to watch him dislocate his hip in a Week 1 loss to the Chargers. They had two field goals blocked in a loss to Denver. They had the worst third-down defense in football. Their stadium rained sewage down onto fans and then their social media account insisted it was just water. They likely leaked the emails that got Jon Gruden fired so as to distract from their myriad scandals, and then they retired Sean Taylor’s jersey in a ceremony thrown together more haphazardly than a birthday party for a 37-year-old.
  
  Sorry, I need to get back to the football part. The Commanders had a four-game winning streak sandwiched between two four-game losing streaks. They lost 20 players and coaches to COVID-19 for a Tuesday night loss to the Eagles. Mike McCarthy guaranteed a win against them and MADE GOOD ON IT. Normally when Mike McCarthy gets boastful, God spits in his face. But this time God was like, Sure yeah I can make that happen. ‘Preciate you, brother. The Cowboys then hung a 50-burger on the Commanders in their next meeting, while two of the Commanders’ best defenders got into a fistfight on the sideline.
  
  Washington’s cornerstone edge rusher got hurt. Their big-ticket free agent wideout also got hurt. In their second matchup with Philly, they gifted the Eagles a playoff berth and then tried to kill Jalen Hurts with their own stadium. After this incident, the Commanders noted that the impromptu trapdoor section of FedEx Field was meant strictly for killing DISABLED people. So who’s the ***hole here, hmm?"

• Woody: "They had two years to come up with a new name and we ended up with Commanders. Someone in last year’s Bears entry said that their glamour position was linebacker, and I realized that ours is either offensive line or punter. "

• David: "I am actively rooting for Congress in Dan Snyder v Congress."

• Canaan: "I wrote you an email a couple years ago talking about how Dwayne Haskins was going to be forced to start in his first season, and that it would ruin him, and I already felt sorry. I blame the Commanders for everything that happened to him after that. Dan Snyder is so corrupt that FIFA decided they’d rather skip Washington DC entirely than risk dealing with him for a World Cup game. "

• Mark: "F*** Dan Snyder with a congressional subpoena wrapped around his mega yacht."

[worstblogever]

Moving on to...
2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS!

Just a reminder... their defense last year let Jared Goff... JARED GOFF... and the LIONS... do this to them for their first win in literally 364 days:



From Vikings fans (and Drew Magary is a long-suffering Vikes fan):

• Drew Magary: "Your 2021 record: 8-9, which doesn’t even begin to tell the story of how unpleasant this team was to watch a year ago. Perhaps this would be more illustrative:
  
  -The Vikings allowed TDs on 32.4% of opponent drives in the final 4 minutes before halftime or the end of the game
  -Worst in the NFL
  - NFL average was 12%
  - The next worst team at that stat, at #31... was 20.6%
  - not only did they rank #32 in the NFL last season… they ranked #686 of 686 teams since at least 2000.
  
  You know what? Nope. That’s also inadequate. If I really wanted to show you how miserable the Vikings were in 2021, I would drive to your house, douse myself in gasoline, and then ride your stovetop like it was a mechanical bull.
  
  I wouldn’t wish the 2021 Vikings on anyone, except for people I don’t care for. No one on this team got vaccinated, so much so that Chad Graff of The Athletic reported that younger Vikings were afraid to get vaccinated, lest they incur the ire of the unvaccinated Pro Bowlers on the roster. One of the few Vikings players who did get vaxxed on the team ended up hospitalized with COVID-19, thanks to his freedom-loving teammates. They lost their best defensive player for the season, for a second straight season. They blew a game against the eventual AFC champion Bengals when their (unvaccinated) running back fumbled in overtime. They blew a game to Arizona the following week when their kicker—stop me if you’ve heard this one before—missed a potential game-winning field goal at the gun. They lost a Sunday Night game, also at the gun, to the immortal Cooper Rush. They blew a two-touchdown lead in the second half to Baltimore. They gifted Detroit its first win of the season when their secondary gave Amon-Ra St. Brown a six-yard cushion in their own end zone. Again, at the gun. WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU GUYS DOING OUT THERE? SWAPPING RECIPES?"

• Robert: "We’re now entering Year Five of the franchise leasing to the 15th best quarterback in the league at a top-five price."

• Nick: "We hired an analytics GM who immediately gave Kirk Cousins an extension. We hired a head coach whose team was 32nd in scoring offense the last time he was allowed to call plays. Our big free agent additions were an injured pass rusher, a DT whose best quality is that he’s super involved in the community, and a third LB for a team that is almost always going to play nickel. We traded down with TWO division rivals in the first 34 picks so that they could each take WRs who will inevitably burn the safety and corner we eventually took. Despite all of this, I am unreasonably excited for the season based purely on new and positive vibes. "

• Al: "F*** Rick Spielman with Blair Walsh’s frozen cleats. "

• Harry: "Being a Vikings fan is like being in that circle of Dante’s Inferno where all the sinners’ heads are permanently turned around backwards, so that they spend eternity looking into the past and crying into their own assholes. Every one of this franchise’s most glorious moments are both a) long behind us, and b) always, always tainted by subsequent humiliation."

[MRP]

Titans lose top pass rusher Harold Landry (And his 12 sacks last season) who tore his ACL in practice today.

-M

[worstblogever]

Four more up today...
2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE CLEVELAND BROWNS!

I think we know how this one's gonna go...



From loyal members of the Dawg Pound:

• Drew Magary: "YThe 2021 Browns started the season by failing to avenge their playoff loss to Kansas City by blowing a 22-10 halftime lead. They also blew a 27-13 lead to the Chargers, allowing Austin Ekeler to score two decisive TDs in the final three-and-a-half minutes. Their quarterback proved that the only thing more fragile than his shoulder was his ego, and he regressed so badly that I now believe his future lies exclusively in acting. They were swept by the Steelers. The first of those two losses was one in which Pittsburgh had no kicker for the second half. The second one included a fourth-quarter drive in which the Browns’ offense drove a whopping -20 yards downfield. If you’re playing shorthanded, there’s no better opponent to have than these chumps.
  
  There’s less. The Browns lost to the Ravens in a game where they picked off Lamar Jackson not once, not twice, not thrice, but QUICE. They lost to the Raiders at the gun in late December. Had Cleveland beaten Vegas, they would have seized first place in their division. Instead, they ended that game in last place. They watched their equally moribund intrastate rivals not only win the AFC North instead of them, but get to the f***ing Super Bowl as well. Their offensive tackles couldn’t stay healthy. Their starting safety got the heave-ho for shoving an opposing coach. They cut Odell Beckham and not only did Odell go on to win a Super Bowl with the Rams, he also would have been MVP of that game had he not gotten injured midway through it. There is nothing positive Cleveland can do that will not be immediately followed by a Same Old Browns moment that makes you want to throw your TV down a laundry chute.
  
  And I haven’t even gotten to the ugly part yet.
  
  Your quarterback is now Deshaun Watson, who picked the one NFL city where he can’t force every ending to be a happy one. When we last saw Deshaun Watson starting a game, he was the lone bright spot on the Houston Texans’ roster. The lone bright spot in the entire state of Texas, really. Since then, Watson has been sued by 24 women for allegations of sexual misconduct during massage therapy sessions, and “misconduct” is the absolute gentlest way of putting it. He languished at the bottom of the Texans’ depth chart for the entirety of the 2021 season while the Texans figured out what the hell to do with him. Once the season was over, a grand jury declined to bring any criminal charges against Watson, and he has since settled 23 of the 24 lawsuits that were filed. Suddenly I’m not as charmed by this fellow as I once was.
  
  After beating the rap, plenty of other teams wanted in on the Watson derby, but apparently only the Browns were willing to debase themselves fully in order to get him into the fold. They traded three years worth of good draft picks for Watson and then gifted him $230 million guaranteed, no questions asked. They even structured Watson’s contract so that his money would be 99.996 percent protected in the event of a suspension. The Browns talked to exactly zero of Watson’s accusers before making this deal. They didn’t care. They didn’t even bother to put up the façade of caring. Instead, they let the bulk of the scrutiny fall to a newfangled, league-wide disciplinary process that itself has failed in its barely veiled objective to whitewash the asses of everyone involved. "

• Michael: "In happier times, I would be writing to you bitching about how Kevin Stefanski tried to kill Baker Mayfield by making him throw the ball 60-70 times a game while Nick Chubb pass-blocked for the two seconds it took Baker to throw the ball into the ground. Maybe my email would have been a vivid retelling of how Baker and the boys let Ben Roethlisberger triumphantly noodle arm his way into a Steelers win in the last home game of his career. On Monday Night in front of a national audience, Baker threw 40 passes, half of which were either intercepted or batted down. He was sacked nine times, mostly by TJ Watt who was iso-ed on our third string right tackle the entire game. Did you know Baker likes to roll right when he feels even a tiny bit of pressure? TJ Watt sure does! Ben’s QBR was 13. We lost by 12."

• Dennis: "They’ve managed to engineer a scenario where my preferred outcome is the starting quarterback getting Joe-Theismann’ed and the nightmare is winning a Super Bowl."

• Miles: "Somehow we made going 1-31 only the second worst thing we’ve done in the past seven years."

• Eric: "After the Watson trade, the Steelers aren’t the only team in the division with a terrible towel."

[worstblogever]

Same Division, Less Sexual Assault...
2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE BALTIMORE RAVENS!

How good will Lamar Jackson be while being too dumb to hire an agent to get a contract extension he's worthy of?


Quoth the Ravens fans:

• Drew Magary: "Your 2021 record: 8-9. The Ravens started last season 8-3 and were locked in as a favorite to win the AFC. They never won another game after that. They were swept by the Bengals by a combined score of 82-38. They lost not one, but two games after attempting a game-winning two-point conversion at the gun and failing. It’s almost as if God prefers Phil Simms to be right about everything, and that bothers me.
  
  The Ravens were also swept by the Steelers. In fact, their second loss to Pittsburgh came in the final week, when Baltimore was still, miraculously, in playoff contention. The most unlikely outside result they needed to back their way in—Jacksonville beating Indianapolis on the road—actually happened. All they had to do was put away a Steelers team that was dead in the water. Instead, they lost at home in overtime anyway, giving Ben Roethlisberger a feel-good sendoff that no one on earth wanted for him. Their defense fell from seventh in yardage allowed in 2020 all the way down to 25th, costing the defensive coordinator his job. Only eight teams last season had fewer sacks. They blew a lead at the gun to a Rams team that had turned the ball over three times. They recovered an onside kick—their first onside kick recovery since 2001—against the Browns and did nothing with it. These Ravens, fittingly, were the Browns in disguise.
  
  It didn’t help that everyone on the roster died. The Ravens’ starting quarterback missed one game due to an undisclosed and possibly rectal malady, and then he missed the final four games of the season as well. The rest of the starting lineup fared no better. Only one other team lost more players to injury last year than Baltimore, and that was the Giants, who do not count."

• Joe: "In 2020, the Ravens head of Strength and Conditioning broke COVID protocols and got half the team sick before the Steelers game. He kept his job. Then in 2021, we had an entire team of torn ligaments and broken bones. He still kept his job."

• Kurt: "The Ravens were down by one and received the ball at the 25 with 1:04 left in the game. On first down, Lamar is sacked for a three yard loss. On second down, he throws an incomplete pass over the middle. On third down, Lamar is sacked again for a six yard loss. On 4th-and-19 with 26 seconds left, the refs miss an obvious delay of game and Lamar completes a miracle pass for 36 yards to the opposing 48-yard line. After a spike and another incomplete pass, the Ravens call on Justin Tucker to achieve kicking immortality, blasting an NFL record 66-yard field goal as time expires to deliver the win.
  
  All of this was needed to beat the Detroit f***ing Lions."

• Carlos: "Our lone divisional win against the Browns was a courtesy. We let Pittsburgh sweep us and allowed that Roethlisberger a storybook ending to a regular season. The Bengals killed us because they were actually f***ing good and half of our team was dead. Joe Burrow set records against us. I give him a few years before he becomes as cocky as Rodgers and with just as much of a justified arrogance against us as Rodgers has against the Bears. We are now the spiritual Bears of the AFC North."

• Sean: "So many players got hurt that we started some cold Royal Farms chicken at running back and a bag of Utz Crab Chips at cornerback. We finally have the opportunity to establish prolonged dominance over the repulsive Steelers, but our QB is destined to sign a bazillion dollar deal with Miami and ride a four-wheeler into the sunset.
  
  Ray Lewis is a f***ing weirdo and I never liked him that much."

[worstblogever]

Ah, another team with a fine owner worth of skewering... it's...
2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE MIAMI DOLPHINS!

Stephen Ross offered bonuses to Brian Flores to fix games, and got a slap on the wrist for that. Just in case you forgot.


Tales from the Fish Tank:

• Drew Magary: "Those seven straight wins? Only one of them came against a team that finished the season above .500, and that team was New Orleans. The Dolphins also gave Urban Meyer his first win as an NFL coach. They blew a 14-0 lead to the Raiders, whose comeback began thanks to the brilliant play design that you just watched up above. They lost to a dead-inside Falcons team at the end of the game. They openly attempted to trade for Deshaun Watson midseason to replace their current starter. They had the third worst rushing offense in the league (FUN FACT: Miami hasn’t had a running back go for more than 800 yards, let alone 1,000, in six years). Their head coach stopped talking to his staff “around Thanksgiving.” Their offensive line pass-blocked like the owner paid them to take a dive (not unlikely!). And their best touchdown of the season didn’t count."

• Bion: "Together at last: the NFL’s highest paid receiver and the NFL’s most accurate quarterback on passes of one-to-nine yards."

• Dan: "Another year of splashy signings and preseason optimism before inevitably ending up between six and nine wins. Brady finally fucks off out of the division after 20 years, only to have Josh Allen show up ready to drop 40 on us twice a year for the next 20. We go through quarterbacks at about the same pace we go through new stadium names. I look forward to the next four years of everyone wondering if Tua is any good. We haven’t been relevant since Ace Ventura. Stephen Ross can get f***ed. I’m going to go drink a Landshark."

• Shephard: "The Dolphins haven’t won 12 games in the regular season since 1990. The only longer streak is the Browns (1986). In the 31 seasons since the Dolphins won 12 games, they’ve averaged 8.09 wins a season. Somewhere in Wyoming, Jeff Fisher just came in his pants and shot his arrow twenty feet above the head of a majestic ten-point buck. This team has killed me with their averageness."

• Matt: "Our only real competition is the Cleveland Browns in the battle over which team has officially become the AFC’s Washington Commanders. The parallels between the three are endless: forever-unresolved QB situations; revolving-door coaching staffs; owners perpetually vacillating between criminally incompetent and incompetently criminal; blockbuster moves for A-list talent whose best seasons always come for the team they’re leaving or the team they’ll go to next; and unearned organizational gravitas based on faded glories of which no one under 30 has even the faintest recollection.
  
  After the spate of damning headlines involving Stephen Ross, a feeling of hope flickered ever so briefly that this offseason might actually usher in some kind of sea change: if not a comeuppance for these s***bags, then at least mild accountability. And yet we reached the “Ah! Well. Nevertheless,” stage of things all but instantly.
  
  The f***ing Bengals (!) got to enjoy two weeks of Super Bowl hype and I got to spend my Super Bowl week Googling “Stephen Ross Sports Bribery Act” and watching our former coach spell out what an utter disgrace our franchise is on multiple cable news shows while surrounded by two lawyers."

[worstblogever]

Closing out Thursday's offerings...
2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE INDIANAPOLIS COLTS!

Jim Irsay and his mobile pharmacy are up.


Here's what Colts fans have to say:

• Drew Magary: " Frank Reich lobbied for the Colts to bring in Carson Wentz, presumably because he believed that he alone could fix what was wrong that snapped table leg of a QB. Reich was wrong. No pun intended, although it felt good to type that last sentence for some reason. The Dad Joke generator inside of me is clapping like a seal over it.
  
  Anyway, to the credit of Reich and to the entire Colts’ operation, right after the Jags loss they said F*** this ******* and traded Wentz (and his entire salary!) to the only team stupid enough to make them an offer: Washington. But that trade still left the Colts without a viable QB for a roster that is, at every other position, ready to win immediately. What other quarterback out there would not only be available, but would come with a big red placard that says PANIC TRADE affixed to the front of his jersey?
  
  Matt Ryan. This will be the third straight season in which the Colts attempt to win a Super Bowl by using Other People’s Quarterbacks. This is because history has proven that their own QBs are not safe playing for them.
  
  The problem is that Matt Ryan is a dead end. He posted the worst QBR of his career just a season ago. The Falcons openly tried to convince Deshaun Watson to replace him and didn’t care if that made him angry. OH NOES MATT RYAN IS MAD AT US! HE MIGHT TRY TO BEHEAD US USING A MACH 3 RAZOR! WHATEVER WILL WE DO? When the Falcons sent Ryan packing to Indy, not a single Atlantan was sad about it. Not even the white ones. To this day, “Matty Ice” remains one of most amusingly unearned sobriquets in NFL history. "

• Maeve: "It seems that after killing Andrew Luck, the Colts decided to make 'where white QBs go to die' their whole brand."

• Robin: "A team that was one win away from the playoffs last year couldn’t finish the job against the then 2-14 Jaguars team that started the season with maybe the worst head coach in NFL history. They didn’t even come close to beating them."

• Rich: "This is the price for wasting Peyton Manning’s prime and destroying Andrew Luck’s soul. This team cannot be trusted with generational talent at QB and God would be wise to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I look forward to future years with Baker Mayfield, Kirk Cousins, Jarred Goff, Zach Wilson and the like. The Colts deserve this."

• Nicholas: "After Carson Wentz went down in the Rams game, I managed to talk myself into Jacob Eason for precisely five minutes. Jalen Ramsey giggled at him on his first NFL snap, and then picked him off with a toe-tapping catch on his second.
  
  After Watson went to Cleveland, I was disappointed that he didn’t come to Indy, and that I was disappointed that I was disappointed about it.
  
  After pissing away an easy win at home against Vegas, my Raiders fan buddy told me there’s no way we can recover from this to beat the Jags. I responded, 'If we can’t beat the worst team in the NFL to make the playoffs, I will burn a jersey of your choosing.'
  
  In March, we gathered around a fire pit as I eulogized Bob Sanders while my friends chanted, 'His name was Robert Sanders.' We’ll lose our eighth straight road Jags game this year."

[worstblogever]

Four more WYTS inbound:

2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE LOS ANGELES CHARGERS!

Can this be the year they don't get in their own way and go on a playoff run without their fans assuming "surrender cobra" body posture? Can anyone make sure a whole generation of Chargers fans don't have to suffer through Dean Spanos' incompetence and greed?


Here's what Bolts fans have to say:

• Drew Magary: "Your 2021 record: 9-8. If I told you that the Chargers started 4-1 out of the gate a season ago, only to have it all fall apart in a manner that truly defied imagination, would you believe me? What if I also told you that Mike McCarthy’s kicker nailed a 56-yarder to beat them at the gun, and that they lost to New England in a game where the Pats’ offense could only muster a single touchdown, and that they lost to the Texans for some reason, and that the Vikings beat them at home by keeping possession of the ball the entire game, and that they got walked off by the Chiefs in overtime, and that they dropped 970 passes, and that their run defense was easier to penetrate than your mom? That all scan?
  
  OK then, how about this: What if I told you that the Chargers missed the playoffs in the final week of the season by losing a game that they didn’t even have to win outright? It’s true. All they had to do was not lose to the Raiders. In fact, they tied that very game at the end of regulation, in truly miraculous fashion, to ensure that both teams would make the playoffs had they simply made a gentleman’s agreement during the OT coin toss to consecrate the greatest and most outrageous tie in football history. But what if I told you that the Raiders—who really did discuss playing for that tie prior to overtime, and appeared ready to concede it by the end of the extra period—won the game anyway?
  
  FUN FACT: That kick not only sent Vegas to the playoffs, but also a Steelers team that the Chargers had already beaten. Because the Chargers are never content to merely f*** themselves.
  
  Oh, and then their landlords won the Super Bowl."

• Jesse: "I am a Chargers fan and an Oregon Ducks fan. At least the Ducks are gracious enough to get you to the championship game before falling flat on their ass. The Chargers will just make it to the Wild Card round and lose by a field goal to the Jets.
  
  People don’t really understand what it means that the Chargers left San Diego and moved to Los Angeles. It would literally be as if the Boston Red Sox moved to New York City. That’s how much people here hate LA.
  
  I look forward to Dean Spanos losing the lawsuit his sister is filing against him and being forced to sell the team to Elon Musk, who will promptly move them to London. "

• James: "Herbert is the Mike Trout of Football. We’re watching the next big thing in football but he’ll never sniff the playoffs."

• Mike: "We are the football version of the Sacramento Kings, but somehow worse at injury management."

• Jeff: "I decided it would be a good idea to go to the Chargers/Raiders game in Vegas, Week 18 last year. My best friend called and told me that he had tickets in the end zone club at the Raiders stadium if I wanted to join. This is how I ended up watching Justin Herbert put on one of the greatest four minutes of football I’ve ever seen, from the best seat I’ve ever had at a sporting event, just to get the perfect view when we couldn’t stop a fucking run up the middle on third down with our season on the line. At least I DEFINITELY know where I got COVID."

[worstblogever]

Next up...

2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS!

Time to make fun of our favorite unsuccessful crab burglar, and the franchise that employs him who also was helping the Catholic Church do PR about covering up the church diddlin' kids.


Here's what Bolts fans have to say:

• Drew Magary: "Your quarterback is STILL Jameis Winston, who’s such an unreliable player these days that you don’t even have to remember that he’s a crime-doer to hate his guts. The Saints toyed with the idea of upgrading at the rapist/quarterback position, but then lost out on Deshaun Watson because Watson looked at New Orleans and said to himself, Too obvious. So they extended the lesser public disgrace instead.
  
  And maybe you looked at Jameis’s surprisingly pleasant stats from a season ago (only three picks, best QB rating of his whole career) and are ready to declare that the Saints have fixed him. But then you’d be ignoring the whole knee thing, along with the fact that, according to Football Outsiders, “only 70.1% of Winston’s passes were on target, per SIS charting.” That was the lowest percentage of Jameis’s career, which is incredible when you consider how incredibly off-target he was throughout his time in Florida. The only time Jameis Winston is accurate is when he’s trying to put his hands somewhere they don’t belong. Also, his middle initial is L. Flawless."

• Danny: "Gayle Benson looks like the final boss of Karens."

• Kevin: "It is a HUGE relief that the starting quarterback for the Saints is someone who hasn’t allegedly raped anyone in years, as opposed to someone who hasn’t allegedly raped anyone in nine months. "

• Ross: "Alvin Kamara just got arrested for battery, so it sounds like our RBBC will consist of Mark Ingram and the ghost of Ty Montgomery’s Good Season. "

• Bill: "If that grumpy psychopath Sean Payton signs with another team and wins a Super Bowl, it will be absolutely imperative, for the sake of the nation if not the world, to nuke New Orleans from orbit. The sheer volume of bitching and moaning that would emanate from this sinking hellpit would extinguish species, alter tides and lead to devastation all along the entire Gulf Coast. Bountygate made me want to burn down my own home with me still in it. This would be orders upon orders of magnitude worse. "

[worstblogever]

Time to look at the playoff teams...

2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES!




Cheesesteaks ahoy! Here come the Philly fans:

• Drew Magary: "Your 2021 record: 9-8. The Eagles started last season 2-5, mostly because they were under the mistaken impression that they knew how to pass the football. Once better teams disabused them of that notion, they shifted right into Air Force Mode and ran an offense that made the corpse of Buddy Ryan rock hard. That sea change in philosophy resulted in Philly winning four of their last five games and making the playoffs. Mark Wahlberg will play Jalen Hurts in the movie based on that turnaround.
  
  But look closer and suddenly last season looks considerably less inspiring. The Eagles didn’t beat a single playoff team all season, and eight of their nine wins came against teams with losing records. We call this NFC Eastflation. The exchange rate for such victories to real victories is exactly 0.4. They let Derek Carr complete 91.1 percent of his passes against them. They lost to the Chargers at the gun, at home. They didn’t win a home game until the week before Thanksgiving, in fact. They got swept by Dallas, allowing the Cowboys an average of 46 points in each contest. And once they entered the playoff field, the Bucs smoked them like a pack of unfiltered Camels."

• Dylan: "We have the worst fanbase in professional sports, a dips*** megalomaniac owner who chased away a Super Bowl-winning coach because he didn’t call enough passing plays, and a GM who thinks he’s the next Otto von Bismarck. Carson Wentz is going to throw for nine touchdowns against our supposedly improved secondary this year. We’re going to waste a stud receiving corps because Jalen Hurts couldn’t hit a mattress from 30 yards away."

• Nikhil: "The most exciting part of being an Eagles fan last year was holding Indy’s conditional second round pick and needing Carson Wentz to play just well enough to not be benched."

• Jason:: "Like the railing at FedEx Field, Jalen Hurts is a flimsy stand-in who’s been asked to support way more than he can handle. "

• Ben: "It’s May of 2019. The Sixers are on the ropes in the Eastern Conference Semifinals and facing elimination in Game 6 at home. My brother and I have a relative with season tickets, but since he’s a fairweather fan, he decides to give his seats to us since he, “didn’t want to see them lose on home court.”
  
  The seats are excellent. The best I’ve ever had for a live sporting event. Now, the Sixers have this new tradition of an honorary “Bell Ringer,” usually some local celebrity/athlete/etc who walks out and rings a mini replica of the Liberty Bell with a mallet at half court before the game to get the crowd extra pumped. The Bell Ringers for Game 6 are Eagles favorites Lane Johnson and Chris Long, both wearing the rubber “underdog” dog masks that have become ubiquitous in Philly with the 2017 Super Bowl run. They ring the bell and start walking off the court in our direction. Lane Johnson takes off his dog mask and starts waving it around, clearly about to throw it into the stands.
  
  This is when my brother goes feral: his eyes widen like in Requiem for a Dream, he begins frothing at the mouth. As Lane Johnson throws the mask into the stands, my brother lets out a primitive guttural yell and he leaps forward about two rows.
  
  He faceplants right into the back of a metallic stadium seat, breaking his nose.
  
  He starts gushing blood everywhere, ruining some poor Raptors fan’s jersey. Fortunately, it’s a rally towel giveaway night, so my in-law and I start grabbing as many rally towels as we can to clean up the blood and to give him something to hold against his nose so he doesn’t drip everywhere.
  
  (He didn’t get the mask, in case anyone was wondering.)"

[WestPhillyPunisher]

Time to look at the playoff teams...

2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES!




Cheesesteaks ahoy! Here come the Philly fans:

A goodly portion of Eagles fans (myself excluded) are a masochistic lot, they're only happy when the team's doing bad and have something to complain about. Dylan in particular will be shocked when Wentz comes to town with the Cobra Commanders and can't hit the broad side of a barn from point blank range. There was a reason the coach who made Wentz who he was (for one season anyway) couldn't wash his hands of him fast enough. I for one find it all quite comical.

[worstblogever]

And closing out today...


2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS!




The Yinzers have the floor:

• Drew Magary: "Last season served as a clandestinely planned farewell tour for history’s most insufferable Hall of Fame quarterback. The head coach didn’t want him back. The GM, who waited on that QB like a goddamn chambermaid, also didn’t want him back. But the Frank Capra fanboys who own this dump wanted to give him a proper sendoff, after all of the games he won and all of the women he’s abducted into saloon restrooms over the years. So that’s why I had to live through an entire season of RE7PECTING Ben Roethlisberger, who displayed all the arm strength of Bob Dole during his little sendoff.
  
  There was an upside to all of this, in that Big Ben presided over a Steelers season that was even more openly fraudulent than the season prior. Pittsburgh finished last season with a DVOA below that of Denver, Washington, and even Chicago. They had the worst run defense in football, giving up an even five yards per carry to the opposition. The Lions ran for 229 yards against them to secure the first non-loss of their own season. Dalvin Cook also ran for two bucks against them. Any coach could tell the world, with a straight face, that they wanted to establish the run against these Steelers, and they wouldn’t have been laughed off of your Twitter feed.
  
  The Steelers were swept by the Bengals by an average score of 32-10. Their remarkable comeback attempt against Minnesota was foiled when their own wideout burned precious time off the clock to triumphantly signal first down. They could barely find it in them to beat a Seahawks team led by Geno Smith. They needed both Tony Corrente and a field goal at the gun to beat a Bears team that was actively trying to get its own head coach fired. They got out-clutched by the Chargers, of all teams. And the only reason they made it into the expanded playoff field was because every other middling team in the AFC choked on their own ballbags in the final week."

• Todd: "I was in attendance for that fat ***hole’s last game at Heinz Field. I witnessed grown f***ing men tearing up as they played his tribute video on the Jumbotron. It was gross."

• Nathan: "Because I’m a piece of **** and quietly wished that we would have upgraded from one sexual deviant to another in Deshaun Watson.
  
  Because I mocked Cleveland for signing Deshaun Watson.
  
  Because there’s a nonzero chance Claypool and Pickens get arrested for, f*** I don’t know, trying to ride a police horse.
  
  I’d ask for help Drew, but I know I’m way beyond saving. See you all in hell."

• Mike A:: "All three other teams in this division have legitimate Super Bowl aspirations and top-tier quarterbacks. We haven’t won a playoff game since the Obama administration and we’re starting Mitch Trubisky."

• Mike B: "Sometime in 2007 or 2008, me and a good buddy and his girlfriend were stumbling around the south side of Pittsburgh looking for another place to get drunk. We stumbled into a club, entered into the (barely) VIP section, and Ben is there. Just a sweat-built mountain. We are starstruck, so we get the idea that we’ll buy him a drink. He gives us the glass half-raised salute of 'Cool, thanks.'
  
  Now we feel good enough to go say hello. The vibes weren’t tense or anything. No bouncers coming to kick our ass, etc. After giving the normal deference of 'Oh man you’re a beast, you’re a hero,' blah blah blah, we finally summon the nerve to ask him for a picture. He slugs whatever drink we got him, turns towards us, spreads his legs, points to my friend’s girlfriend, and says, 'Sure you can have a picture, but only if she sits on my lap.'
  
  I pride myself on the fact that we all said no. Before we could even say more, he turned back around, waved us off, and told us to go f*** ourselves or some equivalent. My ears were ringing, I was so mad."

[Witchfan]

Here are my favorite teams in every division:

NFC East- Eagles
NFC North- Bears
NFC South- Saints
NFC West- 49ers
AFC East- Bills
AFC North- Steelers
AFC South- Titans
AFC West- Raiders