I think I can start dialing the speed back on how fast these are coming in... we'll just do three today... First up...
2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!
A reminder, this is Bill Belichik's son, Steve Belichik, a nepotism assistant coach hire, and his magnificent mullet and facial expressions:
The Patriots faithful doth speak:
Drew Magary: "Things started off promisingly enough. The Pats opened their season with a loss at home to Miami in which their running back fumbled away the ball with a chance to win at the end. Awesome. Great job! Fumble the ball around Belichick and he immediately has you shot and buried underneath his flowerbed. They would go on to start 2-4. Their Andy Taylor-ass rookie quarterback got picked off three times in a loss to New Orleans. They had a chance to defeat Tom Brady at home on Sunday Night, but blew it with a play-calling sequence that would make even Mike McCarthy wince. Speaking of McCarthy, the Pats lost another game at home in overtime to the Cowboys when they allowed Dak Prescott to pass for nearly 450 yards. So far, everything was going marvelously.
And then New England had to go and fuck it all up by ripping off seven straight wins, capped off by an early December win in Buffalo in which their quarterback attempted three measly passes for 19 yards in a game plan that made elderly Bears fans rock hard with pleasure. I had to spend the entire following week listening to Belichick get his d*** sucked for his mastery over not just Buffalo, but of the wind. Like he was a goddamn X-Man. These f***ing Patriots: turns out that losing Tom Brady only INCREASED the number of people falling all over themselves every time they win an unwatchable football game.
Fortunately, for me at least, Buffalo would have their revenge not once, but twice. That second Bills victory was the greatest offensive performance in NFL playoff history: a game in which Josh Allen and company scored a touchdown on every single offensive possession, save for a kneel-down at the gun. The Bills didn’t punt once in that game. They didn’t even have to CONSIDER punting. The wind that night was as quiet as a well-behaved child. The Patriots left Buffalo marinating in the fact that their supposed revival had been extinguished before it had even begun to spark. That game is a sex tape to me. " Jack: "Our defensive play-calling is being overseen by more nepotism than Waystar-Royco." Charles: "The QB is so utterly boring in play style and personality that I’m fairly sure he thinks that saying, 'I’m Jonesing for some Mac' before eating microwave mac n’ cheese is the height of comedy." Justin: "Remember when people used to debate about who was more responsible for the Pats’ dynasty: Brady or Belichick? The debate is over.
The Bills never punted. What the f***." Mike:: "After the warrant went out for his arrest, Aaron Hernandez went to the practice facility and was there for 15 minutes. He left and the team immediately sent out a release saying he’d been cut. What was he doing for that 15 minutes? I’m convinced getting reamed out by Belichick for not disposing of the murder evidence properly, and I’ll be certain of this until they stick me in the grave."