NFL 2022 Regular Season Thread.

[Kirby101]

I have no interest in fantasy football. I am interested in teams winning and losing, not how many yards a desperate QB throws in the 4th when they are 2 TDs behind.

[worstblogever]

The second offering today out of three

2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE GREEN BAY PACKERS!

Remember how happy everyone once was for Aaron Rodgers when he got that Super Bowl win? Since, frankly, it seems like he's actively trying to make himself less likable each season thereafter.


From the Cheeseheads themselves:

• Drew Magary: "Your quarterback: Aaron Rodgers, who spent the back half of last season nailing himself to Pat McAfee’s mic stand and owning the pro-vaccination crowd with hours upon hours of unimpeachable logic. There’s little need to rehash all of Rodgers’s Actually I was fully immunized because my girlfriend made an anti-viral handsoap out of my own sperm semantic jiu-jitsu. Or his tiresome offseason charade of MEW MEW I’M GONNA RETIRE BECAUSE THE WORLD IS MEAN TO ME. Or his fabricated case of COVID toe. Or him pulling a Gregg Allman and crooning, Come and lemme show you mah tattoo to random passersby. All you need to know is that Rodgers does all of those things as a deliberate cover for the fact that he f***ing blows in the playoffs. He can’t throw the ball under duress, and that’s not a matter of opinion, nor is the man’s playoff resume. He’s a choker. He’s Tony Romo without the personality, and I’m not wrong.
  
  You know how many touchdowns Rodgers threw in that loss to the Niners? Zero. Know who his leading receiver was that night? A running back. Know what his QBR was for that game? It was 18.7, and he lost to QB whose own QBR was somehow even lower. In fact, that wasn’t the only time that an underwhelming Jimmy Garropolo bested Every Football Hipster’s GOAT. Garropolo did it in the NFC title game two years before that, too, despite posting just 77 yards passing. And Tom Brady? He threw three picks against Aaron Rodgers in the 2020 NFC title game and STILL beat him. Wanna know why LaFleur opted to kick a rinky-dink field goal at the end of that game? Because he knew that Aaron Rodgers—darling, darling Aaron Rodgers—couldn’t win a big game even if Joe Rogan was hosting the trophy presentation. Secretly, LaFleur can’t wait to be rid of this f***er, and of all of the people who enable him, once and for all. If it means turning to a pud like Jordan Love, so be it. Whatever. Winning with Aaron Rodgers is never as enjoyable as losing with anyone else.
  
  Because Aaron Rodgers is the 1990s Atlanta Braves of football. One title is all he’s ever gonna get, and he knows it. That’s why he’s gonna spend the entirety of this season shotgunning Natty Lights on camera with Kyle Rittenhouse on his way to another home loss in January. The Cleveland Browns took less time to sabotage their own reputation.
  
  Did I mention that Rodgers will have to ply his trade all season without a decent wideout? It’s true. Davante Adams was the best wideout in football last year and couldn’t have asked for a better situation than the one he had in Green Bay. He didn’t give a ****. He was like, Actually I’d like to play in Vegas now, because he also knows that teaming up with Rodgers means bashing your skull into the same wall, over and over again, at the end of every year. At least when Davante loses in Vegas, he can decamp to a suite at the Bellagio instead of finding himself stuck in Worse Ontario.
  
  To dress the wound, the Packers waited until the second and fourth rounds of the draft to grab wideouts, and then inked a 96-year-old Sammy Watkins in free agency. Your WR1 is now the immortal Allen Lazard, who’d be borderline practice squad chum on any team that has a worse QB. None of these men are anywhere as good as Adams, which means that we’re in for another season where Rodgers insists that there’s nothing he can do about the fact that his receivers keep dropping the ball. My man loves having scapegoats handy more than he likes winning Super Bowls.
  
  Speaking of scapegoats: the O-line. Rodgers was sacked five times against the Niners in that Divisional Round loss to the Niners, and there’s no guarantee that his pass protection will be any better going forward. David Bakhtiari and the awkwardly named Elgton Jenkins are both recovering from torn ACLs, and tackle Billy Turner bolted for Denver after looking at Russell Wilson and saying to himself, Finally, I can protect a quarterback who actually means what he says. After Rodgers blows another playoff game with 60 minutes of skittish, tentative football, you can count on him finding the nearest lineman and chewing him out, Marino-style. God, I f***ing hate the guy. I’d rather cheer for Ben Roethlisberger, and I have."

• Joe: "Last year my buddy texted me before the *********Niners divisional playoff game asking if we were going to lose against the Niners that day, or the following week in the conference championship. I responded with the pointing Spider-Man meme and proceeded to drink a lot that night."

• Anonymous: "I’m a resident physician and started my training during the COVID-19 pandemic. I married into Packer fandom. The cognitive dissonance I’ve had to engage in rooting for a team with an antivax, conspiracy theory-spouting, annoyingly talented QB while seeing I’ve seen the **** I’ve seen has required a fair degree of mental gymnastics. Basically I blame Aaron Rodgers and COVID in equal parts for my burnout."

• Rohan: "They lost a playoff game where the defense gave up three points in the first 59:57."

• Logan:: "My brother Harry became a Green Bay fan in the mid-90s, has never stepped foot in the state of Wisconsin, owns multiple Cheeseheads, and when it comes to football, he is an insufferable prick. I’ve had to block him on several social media sites just based on his Packers bullshit. It gets annoying when people ask if I’ve seen the latest pictures of his kids and I have to tell them that I’ve blocked him and don’t know what they’re talking about.
  
  Everyone in my family knows to avoid Harry on game days. No texts, no calls, nothing. Act as if he doesn’t exist, because if you say anything adverse about his team, the string of obscenities that will come flying at you are insane: threats of violence usually punctuated at the end by a simple “F*** You.” A specific example: 2003 vs. the Atlanta Falcons – Michael Vick, in perhaps the best and most Madden-like performance of his career, destroys the Packers, ending yet again, another playoff run. As the game went on and on and the Pack got further and further behind, my brother punched me in the face as I laughed at his team’s complete inability to stop the Falcons. I left him in the basement before halftime when he threatened me with a knife and I watched the rest of the game in glee in another part of the house. "

[WestPhillyPunisher]

I think we have six left... so three today and three tomorrow.

2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS!

With the GOAT here, anyone can find a second chance at a career and succeed in the NFL! (Well, almost...)


For a team only two years removed from a Super Bowl, there's barely any Bucs fans that threw their two cents in. Weird.

If Father Time is ever going to finally lay the smack down on Tom Brady, it’s this season. I just don’t think he’ll be at all effective this season.

[MRP]

Jets QB Zach Wilson will be out until at least Week 4, Joe Flacco gets the start week 1 vs. his former team the Ravens.

Ravens QB LaMar Jackson has set a Friday deadline for the team to negotiate an extension with him, otherwise he will play on his fifth year option and be a free agent after the season.

-M

[CSTowle]

I remember last time this happened, Flacco somehow got them a Super Bowl win and they ended up way overpaying him. Don't think there's as much of a chance of that happening here, Lamar's a greater talent (sorry Joe), but they're probably going to regret putting it off.

[WestPhillyPunisher]

The time is here! The new season begins tonight in L.A. with the Rams hosting Buffalo! WHOO!

My prediction: Rams 31, Bills 23

[worstblogever]

Looks like we're gonna be cramming the final four entries into kickoff day...

Here we go...

2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS!

There's the old saying around the league, "When you have 2 quarterbacks, you don't have 1..."



From the 49ers faithful:

• Drew Magary: "Your coach: Kyle Shanahan, who is a brilliant playcaller until the final half of any given season. Kyle also puts more mental energy into hat regulations than winning important football games.
  
  “I have such beef with them right now. It’s a tough issue going on. They won’t let me pick out my own [hat]. They won’t let me wear any one that’s from a [previous] year, so I can’t wear like an older one. I’ve got to wear the new ones that they give this year. Unfortunately, there’s none I like wearing. Hopefully, we can figure it out, or wait until Salute to Service. … It’s just deals. I don’t want to go too hard and get fined or anything but trust me, I’m upset about it.”
  
  I trust you, brother. Shanahan has been granted total authority over this team despite having a career winning percentage lower than Dave Wannstedt’s, so is it any surprise that his Niners are as erratic as a three-year-old meth addict? Reader, it is not. I’d like to say that Shanny will discover the error of his ways—along with the advantages of having a kickass rushing attack—one day, but we now have more than enough evidence, not to mention unworthy sideline hats, to prove that will never happen. The good news is that this is your new run game coordinator!
  
  Former Dolphins assistant Chris Foerster, who’ll combine with new passing game coordinator Bobby Slowik to replace departed offensive coordinator Mike McDaniel, who was far too adorable for Shanny to tolerate having around any longer. Your new QB coach is Brian Griese, whose qualifications for the job include being on the teevee and tripping over his dog while s***faced that one time. Griese, so famously mobile in the pocket, will be tasked with developing his stylistic twin Trey Lance …"

• Ty: "I can’t tell you how excited I am for another season of seeing Shanny trip over his own d*** when a victory is in sight. You want a QB sneak with a thousand shifts? You got it! A direct snap to the fullback which results in a turnover on downs? You got it! Line up one of the best offensive tackles as a wing and then not pick up the two yards you need for a first down? You got it. Overuse the best weapon in the NFL to the point where he doesn’t even want to play for the team anymore? You got it! "

• Martin: "I was there for a soccer game this summer and I swear the chief architectural directive must have been, 'How can we give 40,000 people sunburn all at once?'"

• Alex:: "It was January 2012 and the Niners had just lost a heartbreaker to the Giants in the NFC Championship Game (Kyle Williams and the two fumbled punt returns). My friend and I decide to drown our sorrows at the nearby KFC. Ahead of us, a dude decked out in red Niners gear (baggy PJ’s, hoodie, beanie) is stumbling around with a thousand-yard stare in his eyes.
  
  A kid on a bike asks him for a cigarette, and the dude just knocks him out in one punch, steals his bike, and calmly bikes down Santa Clara St. We run to the kid and ask if he’s ok, and if he wants us to call the cops. He says no and kind of freaks out. He tells us he has, 'a bunch of pills hidden in my shoe,' and that he doesn’t want to go to jail. He says he’s cool and calmly walks home as if he nothing happened.
  
  F*** Jed York, bring back Tomsula."

[worstblogever]

NEXT!

2022 WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS: THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS!

I am now legally required to post that Andy Reid gif.



From the Chiefs fans:

• Drew Magary: "Lemme just take you back for a moment, so that you can fully appreciate how badly the Chiefs f***ed up a season ago. They treated the regular season, as they often do, the way an NBA title contender does: they struggled out of the gate, kept their cool as people did the whole “WHAT’S WRONG WITH THEM?” thing, and then turned on the motor in the back half of the season, all in preparation for a title run that they essentially treated as preordained. Never mind that the Chiefs had the sixth-worst defense in football a year ago, or that the Ravens tallied 251 yards rushing against that defense, or that they blew a game to the Chargers so badly that the Chargers’ white head coach felt free to call his own white QB a “gangsta” after the fact, or that the Bills and Titans both annihilated them in their respective regular-season matchups, or that they didn’t have as many big plays on offense as you think because opposing defenses figured out a way to cut off their oxygen supply. These were the Chiefs. They’d get their s*** together.
  
  And for the first two playoff games, that assumption felt proper. Even though the Chiefs needed 13 miraculous seconds to escape Josh Allen and the Bills, it still felt like part of a finished script. These were the Golden State Warriors of football. Despite getting pummeled by Tampa Bay in the previous Super Bowl, they’d still get back there and win it. Many, many times. A week later …
  
  Who blows a 21-3 lead at home to the Bengals in the AFC title game? You do. That’s who you are, Kansas City. It’s who you’ve always been. In fact, this was not the only time the Chiefs lost to Cincinnati last season. They also dropped a game to them in Week 17 when they committed illegal use of hands on fourth down. If you’re a Chiefs fan and you didn’t take that loss as an omen, it’s because you’re eight years old. In the rematch, the Chiefs built up that seemingly insurmountable lead, and then watched it get sanded down to nothing as Bengals’ defensive coordinator Lou Anarumo—whose name and face belong on a pizza box—switched at halftime to a scheme so simple, it’s almost painful to contemplate.
  
  They dropped 8 into courage.KC did not try to run the ball with a three score lead. Cincinnati may as well have spray-painted WE DAR U TO RUN right there on the field, Snickers guy-style. But you know who DID dare to run that afternoon? Lil’ Joey Burrow! RUN JOE RUN! This defense made Joe Burrow look like Russell Wilson for 30 minutes. They also registered a grand total of one sack against Burrow when the Titans had sacked him nine times just the week prior. Meanwhile, Anarumo’s defense held the Chiefs’ offense to 83 net yards in that same half. And yet, the Chiefs still had a chance to follow the script and win the game in the final seconds. Instead, they let the Bengals and their rookie kicker ruin their s***."

• Jeremy:
  "1993 – Kimble Anders turns a TD pass in off his chest in the endzone into a pick (AFC Title Game)
  1995 – Lin Elliot misses three FGs (Div. Playoffs)
  1997 – TD taken away from Tony Gonzalez because instant replay challenges weren’t a thing yet (Div. Playoffs)
  2003 – Not one punt? This defense could not force a single punt? (Div. Playoffs)
  2013 – Andrew Luck scores off a forced fumble that bounces right to him (WC Playoffs)
  2016 – Eric Fisher holds James Harrison (Div. Playoffs)
  2017 – Marcus Mariota throws a TD pass to himself (WC Playoffs)
  2018 – Dee Fords is offsides (AFC Title Game)
  2020 – Second Quarter from hell (SB)
  2021 – Throwing to Tyreek Hill short of the endzone with no timeouts from the one-yard line (AFC Title)"

• Brandon: "You likely remember how the Chiefs blew it to the Bengals to reach what would’ve been their third straight Super Bowl, but what you may not remember is that the team struggled to stay at .500 for the first two months of the regular season. If you lived in Kansas City during that time, you would’ve thought the sky was falling. So many people were absolutely certain that Mahomes had peaked and that the Chiefs were destined for mediocrity. Then the Chiefs won eight straight and everyone became bandwagon fans again. The moral of this story is that Chiefs fans are always four straight losses away from melting into a pile of tears, rage, and sticky barbecue sauce."

• Jean:: "We’re going to be stuck for the next 15 years with a great QB and a coach who’ll regularly get outsmarted in the playoffs by the younger, hipper version of Sean McVay. We’ll basically be the Brees’ Saints without the city or the Rodgers’ Packers without the history. It’s not football hell, but it sure is a waste of talent, time and energy."

[Ghost Rider TheHellfireDemon]

Highly hilarious that I saw Sharpe on Undisputed picks the Rams to defeat the Vikings in the NFC Championship game.
The Vikings with Kirk he's not an elite QB Cousins will not get to the NFC Championship game. Cousins is a QB that can get the Vikings to the Playoffs, and they can win a WildCard game.

That is how far the Vikings can get in the Playoffs with Cousins as the QB.

[babyblob]

Everyone is picking Baker and the Panthers in the big revenge game vs the browns for week one.

I am going to make my stand. Browns over the Panthers as Baker looks like a fool and will bitch and whine to everyone about how the loss was not his fault.

[hyped78]

Great game tonight to kick off the season! Last time we saw Josh Allen, it was one of the best games I've ever watched!

[cable guy]

Yep, what a good game to kick off the season.

Can't wait for some NFL football!

I'm taking the Bills.

[Ghost Rider TheHellfireDemon]

NFC South
Bucs 12-5
Panthers 9-8
Saints 7-10
Falcons 6-11

NFC North
Packers 11-6
Lions 7-10
Vikings 6-11
Bears 4-13

NFC East
Eagles 11-6
Cowboys 10-7
Giants 6-11
Commanders 5-12

NFC West
Rams 10-7
49ers 10-7
Cardinals 8-9
Seahawks 3-14

AFC East
Bills 12-5
Dolphins 10-7
Patriots 9-8
Jets 4-13

AFC North
Bengals 11-6
Ravens 11-6
Steelers 9-8
Browns 7-10

AFC South
Titans 11-6
Colts 9-8
Jaguars 6-11
Texans 4-13

AFC West
Chiefs 11-6
Chargers 11-6
Raiders 9-8
Broncos 7-10

[WestPhillyPunisher]

Everyone is picking Baker and the Panthers in the big revenge game vs the browns for week one.

I am going to make my stand. Browns over the Panthers as Baker looks like a fool and will bitch and whine to everyone about how the loss was not his fault.

The first week of the season is often rife with unpredictable outcomes, so, it wouldn’t surprise me if Baker earns his pound of flesh and beats Cleveland. I mean, c’mon, bb, do you REALLY have faith that Jacoby Brissett can hold down the fort until Deshaun Watson comes off suspension?

[The Big G]

Renamed by Fantasy Football Teams to "House Carrgaryen"