X-men Unlimited #69 Review: I swear this thing is trying to ****ing kill me

[Saithor]

So in the latest case of Nature Girl and Co's whacky murder adventure fun times for the environment, we cut to Los Angles where Natur Girl is ranting about how Krakoa is evil because you can only go there if you follow their rules, which don't matter to her because she follows the rules of the world, healing crystals, and what the mold on the side of her food yells at her in the wee hours of the morning. Thank you comic, you have now made me sympathize with Krakoa's piss-poor legal code because there are people who can't accept less than the barebones of a legal system in their lives. Nature Girl is now reminding me of that random libertarian I met with who was pissed that the law would go after him for punching people he didn't like in the face.

Anyway, Nature Girl and Armaggeddon Man are walking through the sewers. Nature Girl is dressed like she stole one of the Wizard's off-color costumes from his shed. She's ranting about how Hordeculture were filthy humans out to manipulate them and got Cursed killed. Armaggeddon Man's dialogue is mostly growls and grunts I choose to interpret as him asking when she's finally going to feed him and desperately begging for some Big Mac's, a large fry, and a large Dr. Pepper.

Anyway, Nature Girl says they've been going about this wrong, Sauron was a dumb-dumb for obsessing with his dinosaurs (Pot, kettle), he...wasn't rejected by his own kind for who he was...she does know Sauron started as a human who...you know what forget it trying to extract logic is as painful as that time I had to have a fish-hook taken out of my hand the hard way.

Nature Girl announces she had found someone who will understand their cause. Or at least will because "After today she will have no choice but to understand." Oh gawd.

Cut to some restaurant in LA. One of the waitresses is...Gwen Warren. Oh ffs. Okay.

Cut to Gwen with two roommates who also work in this restaurant which apparently serves Human-Krakoan fusion food. Her roommates are being casually racist against mutants so we don't feel too bad about what happens next.

Nature Girl sends a flood of wildlife to attack them all, causing everyone to start panicking. In the chaos, Gwen's mutant powers starts activating which causes her roommates to freak out because apparently, they are more concerned with the fact they were living with a mutant than the racoon trying to bite their faces off or the snakes leaping at them. Gwen's power activates, she turns into a giant spider, and Nature Girl cackles about they now have their spider girl. Someone shoot her. Please.

Anyway, Nature Girl starts gaslighting Gwen into joining up with her, claiming since she's been rejected by both mutants and humans she should become a cannibalistic serial killer because hey, it's working out for her, what with living in the sewers of LA and all that jazz.

Yada yada, we know you and accept you for who you truly are, a giant F-off spider and nothing else, Join me and together we can rule the sewers of Los Angles as cannibal and Spider, etc.

Gwen bites her in half.

Nah, she leaps down and Nature Girl launches into an entire spiel about how she got rejected from the Jean Grey school for being the wrong kind of mutant. Nature Girls promises that she'll be accepted into their found family of serial cannibal and McDonald's demanding voiceless suffering man.

A cop is being casually racist while demanding backup because nuance is for morons and we somehow have to make the humans worse than the girl who just ruined someone's life to have a pet monster in her back pocket.

Nature Girl swear no matter how bad things get they'll never kick Gwen to the curb. You know, like they did with Sauron. Run Gwen, run!

Anyway Nature Girls tells Gwen to start making a list of people she's angry at because Nature Girl is feeling both peckish and like she hasn't killed enough people today. Armageddon man in my interpretation protests that's not the kind of food he wanted and FFS give him his Big Macs.

I'm reviewing Issue #68 next because while it's older, it give me another instance of the Quiet Council being a dumbass and proof that yes, the X-gene does in fact excuse all crimes.

[Saithor]

As it turns out this issue was already reviewed, I just missed it when going through the third page. My apologies to Dthirds3, was not my intent to step on your toes.

[JB]

As I was reading this I was like, "This sounds familiar, have I read a review of this?" but I kept reading and now the two reviews have melded together and now they are one chimera.

[Alan2099]

So in the latest case of Nature Girl and Co's whacky murder adventure fun times for the environment, we cut to Los Angles where Natur Girl is ranting about how Krakoa is evil because you can only go there if you follow their rules, which don't matter to her because she follows the rules of the world, healing crystals, and what the mold on the side of her food yells at her in the wee hours of the morning. Thank you comic, you have now made me sympathize with Krakoa's piss-poor legal code because there are people who can't accept less than the barebones of a legal system in their lives.

There are three laws on that island. ... well, actually apparently four because they decided there was an age limit for drinking recently, but other than that ... come on. Murder isn't even illegal there!

A cop is being casually racist while demanding backup because nuance is for morons and we somehow have to make the humans worse than the girl who just ruined someone's life to have a pet monster in her back pocket.

Remember kids, murder, terrorism, and cannibalism are okay, but don't call people bad names.

Anyway Nature Girls tells Gwen to start making a list of people she's angry at

"#1 Everyone that isn't me. #2... probabaly me for not murdering more people sooner..."

[Saithor]

I've hooked this thing to my liver to do this. You're welcome. Issue #68! Apologies to Dthirds3

We open in the Sonoran desert, indicating that at some point Nature Girl may have been in my state and close enough I caught some of the crazy, which would explain why Ron Paul Pigeon is back again. But I shot and cooked that **, so it's all good. Magik is here, along with a team of Krakoa's most low-rent psychos not already serving on a national defense team. They're here because they know monsters. And now the book takes a moment to urge us to pity Curse, whose power forced her to hurt others so she didn't get hurt.

You. Have. Proteus. You. Have. Suppression. Collars. You have so many different ways of sidestepping this but instead we must sit back and consider the tragedy while the book keeps on cutting to the body of the dead 12-year old with the back of her skull missing. Classy!

Everyone continues mourning over the dead enabler who is partially responsible for dozens of deaths. But it's okay, but she has a tragic backstory! And tragic powers! Marrow's the only one who disagrees and it's because she doesn't want another pink person on this time. Cut to someone less psychotic!

Jean Grey, Kate Pryde, and Magik are floating in the air

I said less psychotic!

Anyway, they are discussing how upset they are that the group wasn't brought in alive. Oh and Armageddon man being with Nature Girl. Which is America's fault, because of course it is.

A decaying bald eagle attempts to eat Jean for that and is destroyed. This might not be in everyone's issue of the book.

Nature Girl's psyche is dispersed globally because she's turned into Swamp Thing because they decided they spent enough time having her rip off Poison Ivy.

There's an entire panel of Jean that for some reason makes me think of anime. I think it's the eyes.

Apparently Shaw sold Armageddon Man to the US to..keep his DNA from Sinister.....which I think the book is saying is bad....but that is good.

Anyway they say none of this is Curse's fault. Stares at the last twenty or so issues of Green Magik, by the laws of causation, this is her fault arguably more than it is Shaw's.

Anyway, Shaw is arguing that they shouldn't bring Curse back. Kate says it's because Shaw...has issues...with women with power. #GirlBoss

Or maybe he's more worried about the mutant who had helped cause this entire mess, killed people, and whose powers encourage her to warp people into twisted versions of themselves being loose Kate!

Anyway Kate physically threatens another member of the Quiet Council...and this goes without issue...because Krakoan's government is essentially calvinball folks, there are no rules except for what they come up with the moment. I choose to believe based on this panel that physical violence is an everyday part of Quiet Council debates and most votes are decided by physically beating the weaker member into submission, or maybe just eating them to reduce the vote totals down till one faction has the majority.

They can now vote on resurrecting Deadpool Kills Jr.

Also a random shot of Destiny for some reason.

Cut to the sewers of LA

"For god's sake, I just want a cheeseburger! Feed me you lunatic!"

"Of course Armaggeddon man, we are like rat, aren't we, down in these sewers!"

"I got McDonald's with the US government, for ****'s sake. Send me back to US prison!"

"Good. Rats are survivors. So are we."

"Do you...do you comprehend english?"

"Eat, eat of our feast."

"Is that...a Bull Frog? Aren't you a protector of nature?"

"These frogs are invasive. An invader from a foreign land, we will devour them in response."

So in other words, Nature Girl probably doesn't know how many species are invasive, she blames Hordeculture for Curse's death because she's crazy, and she's going to go gaslight a Gwen Stacey clone into being her pet monster because whenever there's a horribly traumatic event to inflict on a young woman in the marvel universe, there's a Gwen Stacey there to serve the purpose.

Finally! It's done. Maybe.

Goes to look at issue #67. Chuck is being eaten by some giant Vampire guy. Huh, they really want to piggyback off of Morbius huh? Well, nope. Done. Till the next issue is out.

[king of hybrids]

This comic is doing the seemingly impossible thing of making Shaw the only sane man. This is not good.

Pryde continues her descent into being an unironic and hypocritical mutant supremacist; and the council continues to be a corrupt as hell

[Saithor]

Eh, it varies from book to book. In current Maruders Kitty is fine if a bit more concerned about past mutants than current mutants. This books seems to be of the opinion that threatening Shaw with physical violence is fine because Shaw, but it fails to take in a king it’s given Shaw much better points than it thinks he does, and that physical violence or threats of physical violence going unpunished on the Quiet Council floor is considered routine and okay.

Which feels less like a functioning government and more like the Caning of Charles Sumner

[zinderel]

I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that X-Men Green is an in-Universe comic published by Orchis to sway people against mutants by playing into the ‘inhuman monsters among us’ fears of baseline humanity.

Otherwise, I can’t fathom why Marvel would continue publishing a story that casts Krakoa and mutants in general in such an awful, CLEARLY VILLAINOUS light…especially since, as far as I know, NO OTHER TITLE MARVEL PUBLISHES has referenced any of the events of this story that will not end…

[Dthirds3]

I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that X-Men Green is an in-Universe comic published by Orchis to sway people against mutants by playing into the ‘inhuman monsters among us’ fears of baseline humanity.

Otherwise, I can’t fathom why Marvel would continue publishing a story that casts Krakoa and mutants in general in such an awful, CLEARLY VILLAINOUS light…especially since, as far as I know, NO OTHER TITLE MARVEL PUBLISHES has referenced any of the events of this story that will not end…

X-men green started out as a **** post trying to insult the xmen for not being environmentally enough. Act 2 was when the genus relise, screw it let's do all the drugs to become the perfict mistake, then act 3 they tried to applied reasion to this glorious madness, and now they're trying to end this modern classic insted of embracing the **** post

[JB]

X-men green started out as a **** post trying to insult the xmen for not being environmentally enough. Act 2 was when the genus relise, screw it let's do all the drugs to become the perfict mistake, then act 3 they tried to applied reasion to this glorious madness, and now they're trying to end this modern classic insted of embracing the **** post

"let's do all the drugs" LOL.

Zinderel, your theory is quite fun. Orchis sends out weekly propaganda pamphlets and in the back is X-Men Green. Brilliant.

[gambitxremy]

I’m glad they brought back cyclops daughter Gwen

[LordUltimus]

Minor bit, but how can that restaurant be "American-Krakoan"? Both countries are largely immigrant based - entirely immigrant in the latter case. Do they just have burgers with bits of mutant island in it?

[JB]

Minor bit, but how can that restaurant be "American-Krakoan"? Both countries are largely immigrant based - entirely immigrant in the latter case. Do they just have burgers with bits of mutant island in it?

Krakoa grows a lot of different things so I'm sure there are some native ingredients that can be combined and experimented with to make Krakoan cuisine.

[LordUltimus]

Krakoa grows a lot of different things so I'm sure there are some native ingredients that can be combined and experimented with to make Krakoan cuisine.

I'd have to imagine that such ingredients would be pretty rare, given they come from one place on Earth. In which case, how did these racist guys get their hands on them?

[Alan2099]

Minor bit, but how can that restaurant be "American-Krakoan"? Both countries are largely immigrant based - entirely immigrant in the latter case. Do they just have burgers with bits of mutant island in it?

How long has Krakoa even been around in-universe? A few months? How would they even have their own cuisine that's well known enough even to people outside of Krakoa?