My first comic script (from the original forum) - Jinn & Tonnek #1 (feedback appreciated!)

[Radical]

PAGE 1

Full-page panel. Interior shot of a bank. There are (at least) three masked bank robbers wielding pistols (they probably can't afford submachine guns, which would explain why they're doing this). Their masks cover everything but their eyes. One, the tallest and most athletic-looking, is obviously the leader. The other two are kind of chunky, but no less dangerous-looking. Robber #2 is wearing a green jacket and pointing his gun at a bank teller; Robber #3 has a purple jacket and is pointing off-panel.

LEADER: Everyone freeze! This is a holdup!

ROBBER #2: Hand over all you got! Now!

ROBBER #3: Everybody over in the corner! Get out your valuables!

PAGE 2

(Panels 1 through 3 are technically insets in the main "splash" page.)

Panel 1: Robber #3 is pointing at Our Hero, John "Johnny" Tonnek. Johnny is a handsome, athletic-looking young man of Native American (and possibly other) descent, which explains the family name. Like most people in the bank, Johnny's wearing a jacket; presumably, it's the weather outside. Johnny isn't intimidated at all; he just looks annoyed all the crap that's going down.

ROBBER #3: You! Over there with the other hostages! Now!

JOHNNY: (sigh) All right.

Panel 2: Johnny (still looking apathetically exasperated) is sitting obediently, taking a cigarette and a lighter out of his jacket. He's glaring at the leader of the holdup men.

JOHNNY: Mind if I smoke?

LEADER: No skin off my nose. Right now, cancer's the last thing you're in danger of dying from.

Panel 3: Close-up on Johnny. He's got the cigarette in his mouth and he's flicked on the lighter. But he isn't lighting the cigarette; he's just looking at the flame. There's a look of determination on his face.

JOHNNY: Thanks.

JOHNNY: You know...I wish you'd point those guns somewhere else.

Panel 4: The big reveal. Johnny and the robbers (and the reader) are staring up at Jenni, Our Other Hero. Jenni roars out of the lighter like a flamethrower blast. She's a hottie, both literally and figuratively: a fireball in the shape of an extremely beautiful woman, with a movie star face (currently scowling with anger), full firm breasts, martial artist arms, and the legs and hourglass waist of a belly dancer. (Well, she is a genie; I felt I owed it to conform to the stereotype somehow! ) Her costume, however, looks more like something out of the Tron movies: a skintight bodysuit over her voluptuous figure, with glowing fiery highlights.

TITLE: JINN AND TONNEK (or, "The Adventures of Jenni and Johnny")

CREDIT LINE: writer - Timothy Shanahan penciller/inker/letter/colorist/etc. - (your names here)

LEADER: I'll point this thing wherever I what the --

JENNI: He's talking to me, creep --

PAGE 3

Panel 1: Medium shot/close-up on Jenni. Her eyes literally blaze with wrath as she gestures, and a ray like a lightning bolt on fire shoots from her hand...

JENNI: -- and what he says, GOES!

Panel 2: ...striking the bank robbers' guns, causing their barrels to twist upward as the gunmen stare in horror and disbelief.

LEADER: Our guns --

ROBBER #2: What the hell --

ROBBER #3: What's going on?!

Panel 3: Johnny gets to his feet, putting the cigarette lighter back in his jacket. For the first time, he's smiling, and so is Jenni.

JOHNNY: Thanks, babe.

JENNI: Anytime, stud.

Panel 4: Johnny, scowling again, has grabbed Robbers #2 and #3, and slammed their heads together.

SFX: KONKK

Panel 5: Johnny high-kicks the Leader in the head, stunning him.

LEADER: UNNH!

Panel 6: Johnny raises his hands before the amazed onlookers. The cigarette lighter is in his left hand now. Jenni flows back into the lighter.

JOHNNY: Show's over, folks. Everything's cool now.

CAPTION (Johnny's voice): My name is Jonathan Tonnek. My friends -- the few I have -- call me "Johnny". I'm twenty-two years old.

CAPTION: And my life's already a mess.

[Radical]

PAGE 4

Panel 1: Beginning of flashback sequence. Johnny is dressed in soldier's fatigues and armor and wielding an assault rifle as he leans against a desert dune. In the background behind him is what looks like the excavation of an Egyptian tomb.

CAPTION: A couple of years ago, I'd joined the army. I was working my way through college.

Panel 2: Jenni appears as she was then. She's an attractive redhead, despite not being as well-developed as her "geniefied" state. She's dressed in sensible archaeologist's gear. Standing near her is an old college professor-type, Prof. Stanford. They're standing over a table with an old oil lamp with strange writing on it.

CAPTION: By coincidence, my girlfriend, Jennifer "Jenni" Maxwell, was there too, for pretty much the same reason. My unit was assigned to guard her archaeological dig.

JENNI: What do you make of it, Professor Stanford?

PROF. STANFORD: It's some weird Aramaic transcription. If I [i]remember right, it roughly translates as...

Panel 3: Extreme-ish close-up. We see the Professor's eye in the background, the lamp and the Professor's fingers holding it in the foreground.

PROF. STANFORD: "In here lies the Spirit-of-Fire, He-Who-Makes-And-Unmakes. He is bound within to serve Man, and to make no mischief upon him. Beware in awakening..."

PROF. STANFORD: It's hard to make out the rest...

Panel 4: Medium shot. Jenni is talking to the Professor. The Professor looks kind of distracted by his discovery.

JENNI: Sounds like the old myths about jinns...

PROF. STANFORD: Yes, hmmm...let's have a look inside.

Panel 5: Jenni lifts the lid.

CAPTION: Now, you've read this story a million times, right? This is the part where they accidentally rub the lamp and the genie comes out.

CAPTION: Only it's more like they opened the lamp.

PAGE 5

Panel 1: Big panel of the Jinn Al-Ghol emerging from the lamp in a rush of flame, surprising everyone, including the soldiers standing guard. He has a satanic-looking face and is male. He's also naked, although no genitals are visible.

CAPTION: Not that it makes a diff.

EVERYONE: (ad-lib) What the/No way in hell/Holy/Incoming/What is that thing/Get down etc.

AL-GHOL: SILENCE!!*

AL-GHOL: Which one of you pathetic worms dares release Al-Ghol from his confinement?*

CAPTION: *Translated from Arabic

Panel 2: Worm's-eye view of Al-Ghol glaring down at Jenni and the reader.

JENNI: Uhm...I did.

AL-GHOL: So, it is you to whom I am enslaved, eh?

Panel 3: Close-up on Jenni. She's doing an admirable job of summoning her courage in such a "WTF?" situation.

JENNI: Yeah...yeah, that's right! I'm calling the shots here!

JENNI: And...and I want you back in the lamp!

Panel 4: Medium shot. Johnny and the Professor watch as Jenni holds the lamp. A rush of flame re-enters the lamp.

AL-GHOL: As you command.

[Radical]

PAGE 6

Panel 1: Establishing shot. A tent in the desert.

Panel 2: Jenni, the Professor, and Johnny are standing near a table with the lamp on it.

JENNI: But think of what it could mean for science!

PROF. STANFORD: I'm not so sure it would be wise...

JOHNNY: Yeah, aren't genies usually screwing over their so-called "masters"?

Panel 3: Close-up on Jenni, looking determined. She's holding the lamp, lifting its lid. Fire starts to trickle out.

JENNI: Someone's gotta take the risk.

Panel 4: Al-Ghol hovers before Jenni as Prof. Stanford and Johnny watch warily.

AL-GHOL: Why am I summoned, master?

JENNI: I want to know all about jinns, or whatever you are.

Panel 5: A close-up on Al-Ghol, smiling wickedly. A fiery ray emanates from his hand.

AL-GHOL: Indeed? Well...

Panel 6: Jagged panel. Jenny is hit by the ray and is seemingly atomized from the inside out.

AL-GHOL: (continuing from the last panel) ...experience is the best teacher!

Panel 7: Jagged panel. Close-up on Johnny's horrified expression.

JOHNNY: JENNI!!

PAGE 7

Panel 1: Johnny goes berserk. He's firing his rifle.

JOHNNY: Die, you lousy scumbag!

Panel 2: The bullets pass through Al-Ghol's fiery substance without his even acknowledging their existence. Instead he simply conjures up a lamp, creating it out of what look like miniature stars...

Panel 3: ...and gestures. The flaming plasma that was Jenni is sucked into the newly created lamp Al-Ghol holds.

Panel 4: Worm's-eye view, shot from behind Johnny and the Professor as they (and we) look upward at Al-Ghol.

JOHNNY: Let her go, creep!

AL-GHOL: Actually...

Panel 5: Al-Ghol's hand holds the lamp before a surprised, reluctant Johnny.

Al-GHOL: ...that's your job, now. A jinn may not command another.

Panel 6: Scowling angrily, Johnny rudely snatches the lamp from Al-Ghol's hand.

CAPTION: You can't say I didn't warn her.

Panel 7: Johnny angrily storms out of the tent. The Professor and Al-Ghol are visible behind him.

JOHNNY: If I were you, Prof, I'd re-bury Al's lamp.

JOHNNY: And Al? I hope you burn in hell for this.

Panel 8: Al-Ghol crosses his arms impassively, as if he couldn't care less. The Professor scowls up at him angrily.

AL-GHOL: I burn wherever I please.

PAGE 8

Panel 1: Panel of what seems to be a star floating in black space. The "star" has Jenni's (post-genie) eyes, however (shades of Barbara Eden's bottle).

CAPTION: Here's what Jenni told me later...

JENNI: (thought balloon) Wh...where am I?!

Panel 2: The "star" filaments out like a plasma lamp, trying to "feel" its world. The eyes are shut in concentration.

JENNI: (thought balloon) Got to make sense of my new environment...

JENNI: (ditto) What's this?

Panel 3: Jenni's eyes have an intrigued look. One of the filaments is playing over Aramaic writing, making it visible.

JENNI: (thought balloon) It's more of that Aramaic writing! Wish I understood Aramaic...

Panel 4: Similar look in Jenni's eyes. This time a filament plays over Arabic writing.

JENNI: (thought balloon) Hm! Now a language I understand! How "kind" of Al-Ghol to leave something for the next servant of this lamp!

Panel 5: Jenni has a studious look on her "face" as she reads, a filament illuminating the next phrase of Arabic.

JENNI: (thought balloon) "A jinn has power over the four elements: fire, air, water and earth. Since a jinn's natural form is of fire, it is the easiest to control."

JENNI: (ditto) Hmm...might it be referring to plasma, gases, liquids and solids, the four states of matter?

Panel 6: Jenni continues to study a different piece of text.

JENNI: (thought balloon) "No single jinn is God of the universe -- especially not those who were once mortal. Thus, you who read this are tasked to obey mortals, and not to harm them."

PAGE 9

Panel 1: Jenni has a thoughtful look on her "face".

JENNI: (thought balloon) Hmmm...if a jinn can control all states of matter, then maybe the whole "slavish obedience" thing must be to prevent them from getting God-complexes.

JENNI: (ditto) I wonder if there's some kind of post-hypnotic suggestion or mystical compulsion at work?

Panel 2: Jenni's eyes look rather peeved.

JENNI: (thought balloon) Well, it sure as hell didn't keep Al-Ghol from doing this to me! Although...maybe he didn't think it counted as "harming" anyone.

Panel 3: Medium shot of Johnny in his tent. He's looking down at Jenni's lamp.

CAPTION: Meanwhile, back in the outside world...

JOHNNY: (thought balloon) I gotta take this chance...

Panel 4: Bird's eye view. Jenni shooting out of the lamp, head first, forming her body out of fire. Johnny looks astounded.

JENNI: Hey, Johnny...or am I supposed to call you "master" now?

JOHNNY: Jenni!

Panel 5: Medium shot of Johnny staring at the new Jenni. Both look embarrassed. She's seemingly naked, but either her naughty parts are invisible or she's strategically got her hands over those parts.

JOHNNY: Whoa...looks like you forgot clothes.

JENNI: Oops, sorry. You want I should whip up a harem costume or...

Panel 6: Medium shot of Johnny looking thoughtful.

JOHNNY: Not unless it's an intimate moment. And as for calling me "master", I actually never liked that part.

JOHNNY: I dunno...I guess it's how I'm brought up, or my liberal leanings or something.

JOHNNY: I got an idea, though...

PAGE 10

Panel 1: The Professor bursts into Johnny's tent.

PROF. STANFORD: Johnny! I...oh, I see you've already got her out.

PROF. STANFORD: Look, now that I've calmed down, it's obvious! All we have to do is command Al-Ghol to turn Jenni back into a human!

Panel 2: Medium-close shot of Jenni looking serious, holding her hand up like a crossing guard.

JENNI: Hold that thought, Professor.

JENNI: The things I said when I was human still stand.

Panel 3: Jenni's POV. Johnny, the Professor, their surroundings, etc. look like they're made of colored sand.

JENNI: (off-panel) I can control all matter and energy now. Think what that means.

JENNI: With my powers, human society, back in America and elsewhere, will no longer have to depend on oil.

Panel 4: Jenni looks down at Johnny with a smirk. Johnny's looking thoughtful.

JENNI: And that, handsome, means you and your teammates can pull out of this place early.

JOHNNY: It's a tempting thought...but don't you miss being human?

Panel 5: Jenni crosses her arms defiantly. Johnny's squeezing the bridge of his nose like he's getting a migraine.

JENNI: Well, I suppose I should...but we've got an opportunity to save the world. I'm not wasting that.

JOHNNY: Jesus, Jenni...

Panel 6: Wide shot. Prof. Stanford is foremost, and Jenni and Johnny are turning to face him.

PROF. STANFORD: How about this? Jenni stays like that for a week, and if being a jinn turns out to be more trouble than it's worth, she goes back to normal.

JENNI: Fine by me.

JOHNNY: Better than nothing.

PAGE 11

Panel 1: Johnny is sitting in a bedroom, looking thoughtful and holding Jenni's lamp. Jenni is standing before him with a patient expression.

CAPTION: So I got permission to go back home to America. I didn't mention what happened to Jenni because the world isn't ready to believe in what she can do...yet.

JOHNNY: It's time for that thing I was talking about.

Panel 2: Close up on Johnny. He's almost smiling.

JOHNNY: Could you dress a little more, I dunno...like a comic book superhero?

Panel 3: Jenni's "superhero" costume (the TRON-looking outfit from earlier in the story) materializes around her body, now looking sleek and voluptuous. Johnny is grinning ear-to-ear and holding forth the lamp.

JENNI: How's this? I even improved my figure to look "larger than life."

JOHNNY: Amazing! Also, can you disguise this to resemble a cigarette lighter? I need something that won't look conspicuous.

Panel 4: A blast of mystic energy transmutes the lamp into the cigarette lighter from earlier in the story. as Johnny smiles.

JENNI: (off-panel) Sure! It'll still be my "home" on the inside, of course.

JOHNNY: Fine by me! Now we need to start working on the P.R.*

CAPTION: *Public Relations

Panel 5: Art shift indicating end of flashback. We're back in the bank, and Johnny's leaving. In the background, the police have finally arrived, arresting robbers and questioning the witnesses.

CAPTION: (Johnny's voice) Not a bad start so far.

[Radical]

PAGE 12

Panel 1: Jenni (now in normal form) is walking through the halls of her college. She's wearing her bookbag, going about her usual business.

CAPTION: (Jenni's voice) It's my turn to tell the story now, Johnny.

CAPTION: Being a "superhero", I needed a secret identity. So, Johnny wished that, "for the time being, you go back to living your life as if everything was normal."

Panel 2: The "popular girl", Sadie, has just showed up, bitchy expression and all.

CAPTION: I think he should've rephrased that.

SADIE: Hey, Jenni -- I hear you got back from Egypt. What'd you bring back as a souvenir -- sand?

CAPTION: That's Sadie, the school creep. Why people like her are the "popular girls", I'll never understand.

Panel 3: Jenni walks past Sadie, ignoring her. Sadie's looking at her in angry disbelief.

CAPTION: I would've made my usual snarky riposte, but I now had more important things to worry about -- like my physics class.

SADIE: Hey! You can't just brush me off like that! Notice me!

Panel 4: Sadie maneuvers herself in front of the door to Jenni's physics classroom.

SADIE: Oh, no, you don't! You're going to have to go through me! And I'd like to see you try!

Panel 5: And Jenni does just that, phasing ghost-like through a freaked-out Sadie.

SADIE: ...Huh?

CAPTION: Fortunately or not, "normal" now involves granting wishes.

PAGE 13

Panel 1: Jenni enters her physics classroom by opening the door. Mr. Simmons and some other students are there already.

MR. SIMMONS: Ah, Jennifer! Glad you're back.

Panel 2: Mr. Simmons is standing in front of the blackboard.

MR. SIMMONS: Now we were talking yesterday about how significant advances in new technologies arise from theoretical breakthroughs. For example, advances in the understanding of electromagnetism led directly to the creation of new products that have dramatically altered our society, like...

Panel 3: Jenni has her hand raised.

JENNI: As a matter of fact, Mr. Simmons, I'd like to demonstrate that.

MR. SIMMONS: (off-panel) Go right ahead.

Panel 4: Fiery physics calculations float by on a psychedelic background while Jenny holds her arm out, moving at super-speed as she writes on the off-panel blackboard.

JENNI: ...and when you subdivide Planck's constant by the square root of pi, the cosine wave...

JENNI: ("singing" voice w/musical notes) ...and with this handy formulation/For easy cosmic transportation/You can reach your destination/Without needing a waystation!

CAPTION: (Jenni's voice) What can I say? I felt inspired.

PAGE 14

Panel 1: Wide angle shot. Jenni is standing by the chalkboard, blowing the flame out on the burning chalk. On the blackboard is a mathematical physics equation so intricate it borders on art. Mr. Simmons is staring agog at it.

JENNI: (SFX, blowing on chalk) FFFH

MR. SIMMONS: My god...if I'm reading this calculation right, you've discovered a form of spacetime travel, using an undiscovered fuel source!

Panel 2: Jenni is walking back to her seat. Mr. Simmons is trying to get her attention.

MR. SIMMONS: Wait! How did you discover all this?

JENNI: I'll tell you later.

Panel 3: Sadie is at her desk, scowling.

SADIE: (thought balloon) Something fishy is going on here...

Panel 4: Cut to later in Johnny's apartment. Johnny is staring disbelievingly at a smugly smirking Jenni.

JOHNNY: How could you?

JENNI: Do you mean "How could I risk giving away my secret," or "How could I use my magic if you didn't wish for it?"

JOHNNY: Both, I guess.

Panel 5: Jenni is alone in the panel, counting off the answers on her fingers.

JENNI: One, you didn't specifically say I had to live as if I was human --

JENNI: -- and two, apparently, "normal" to a jinn means "as if I wasn't bound to the lamp."

Panel 6: Jenni is smirking at Johnny again. Johnny's turning on the TV.

JENNI: Anyway, we're going to have to reveal my condition sooner or later.

JOHNNY: You're right. Let me see if I can find something --

Panel 7: The TV screen is showing a news broadcast of a hurricane. Johnny's grinning face is reflected on the screen's glass.

TV ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: A Category Five hurricane has entered the coast of Waikiki. Casualties are expected to be in the thousands, and property damage is predicted to be in the hundreds of millions --

JOHNNY: Bingo.

JOHNNY: Okay, I'm going to try to be as exact as possible --

PAGE 15

Panel 1: Jenni has switched to her "genie/superhero mode" and is rocketing through the skies toward the hurricane, a determined expression on her face.

CAPTION: (Johnny's voice) "-- I want you to fly to Waikiki and stop that hurricane, with as little damage to life and property as possible."

JENNI: (thought balloon) Okay, let's see what I remember about hurricanes: They're tropical cyclones --

Panel 2: Jenni is flying towards Waikiki (visible in background). The "tornado" of the hurricane is visible.

JENNI: (thought balloon) -- caused by low atmospheric pressure over warm ocean water. This air is cold in nature compared to that of its surrounding environment.

Panel 3: Cut to the beach. Many people are fleeing from the hurricane. It's starting to blow, knocking back beach umbrellas (without uprooting them yet).

Panel 4: Wide shot. Jenni's blazing form is visible through the dark skies as she races toward the hurricane. A surfer points at her.

SURFER: Wait! Look! What's that?

PAGE 16

Panel 1: Jenni has entered the "eye" of the hurricane, the whirling winds and water visible around her.

JENNI: (thought balloon) The best way to handle this --

Panel 2: Jenni's flame flares up brightly.

JENNI: (thought balloon) -- is to heat things up!

Panel 3: The hurricane dramatically explodes!

SFX: CHOOMMM

Panel 4: The water that had been part of the hurricane falls back into the ocean. Jenni floats in the sky.

Panel 5: Bird's-eye view. Jenni floats in the sky as the crowds below her stare in awe, wonder, and mostly just confusion.

CROWD: (ad-lib) My God/What's that/She saved us/Who is she/She's gorgeous/I can't believe it/It's a miracle/Is she an angel/etc.

Panel 6: Close-up on Jenni's smiling face as she calls out to them.

JENNI: No need to fear! The worst is over!

JENNI: The name's Jenni!

Panel 7: Jenni flies away. A few cell phone cameras capture her image as she flies off.

PAGE 17

Panel 1: Jenni flies back to Johnny's apartment through the window. There's a smile on her face as she salutes. Johnny's face retains a businesslike expression.

JENNI: Mission accomplished, sir!

JOHNNY: Good. Now, let's just sit back and wait.

Panel 2: Establishing shot of Maxwell Enterprises corporate HQ (the logo should be visible on the side).

Panel 3: Shot from behind. Mr. Arthur Maxwell, CEO, is in his office watching a plasma screen HDTV. A news clip is showing.

REPORTER: ...and there is still no explanation for the phenomenon that caused the dispersal of the hurricane over Waikiki Beach earlier today.

Panel 4: Close-up of the TV screen, showing a blurred-out Jenni.

ANNOUNCER: However, this footage, compiled from multiple cell phone cameras, shows a person inside this phenomenon...

Panel 5: The blur is edited, showing Jenni's features quite clearly.

ANNOUNCER: ...and with our computers editing the distortion, we can clearly make out what appears to be a human face.

Panel 6: Close-up on Arthur Maxwell. He looks like a stereotypical corrupt corporate executive, and he's scowling.

ARTHUR MAXWELL: Hmmm...this could be trouble.

[Radical]

PAGE 18

Panel 1: Establishing shot. A mansion.

CAPTION: The home of Prof. Stanford.

Panel 2: Prof. Stanford's in his study, watching the broadcast on a big-screen TV. Al-Ghol's lamp is on the Prof.'s desk.

PROF. STANFORD: Well, it's begun.

PROF. STANFORD: A whole week of that.

PROF. STANFORD: I just hope Jennifer knows what she's doing.

Panel 3: Prof. Stanford glares down at Al-Ghol's lamp.

PROF. STANFORD: For your sake.

PROF. STANFORD: Or I'll make you switch her back, and then throw you in the ocean.

Panel 4: Suddenly, he turns to the door (background element), hearing a...

SFX: (coming from door) KNOK KNOK KNOK

VOICE: Daddy? Can I come in?

PROF. STANFORD: Come in, pumpkin.

Panel 5: Sadie enters the room, looking animated. Her father is visible in the background.

SADIE: Daddy! Did you see the news?

PROF. STANFORD: Yes, it's very interesting...

Panel 6: Sadie sees the lamp. Prof. Stanford lifts it up before she can grab it.

SADIE: Hey, is that a...

PROF. STANFORD: Just an oil lamp I found in Egypt, honey.

Panel 7: CU on Sadie, looking intense. She's remembering (in a thought balloon) Jenni's phasing through her in response to her "go through me" taunt.

SADIE: ...Whatever you say, Daddy.

SADIE: (thought balloon) "Just an oil lamp," my butt! Five gets you ten that's a genie lamp!

PAGE 19

Panel 1: It's night. Prof. Stanford is in bed, asleep.

Panel 2: Sadie's bare feet pad softly through the darkened hallways.

Panel 3: Sadie, dressed only in a nightgown, approaches her father's study.

Panel 4: Medium shot of her picking the lock on the study door with a hairpin...

Panel 5: ...and entering the study, long shot. The lamp is still on the desk.

Panel 6: Extreme close-up on Sadie's hands, taking the lamp.

PAGE 20

Full-page panel of Al-Ghol emerging from his lamp as the lid is lifted. Sadie scowls at Al-Ghol in hatred and determination.

AL-GHOL: Who dares awaken Al-Ghol from his confinement?*

SADIE: Your new master. Now, listen up...*

CAPTION: *Translated from Arabic

BLURB: Next Issue: I SCREAM OF GENIES