Dwight Schrute Army
Official Entrance Exam
Section One: True or False
1. Currently, bears represent the single greatest threat to human civilization. T F
False
2. Whether it be household chores, factory work or the defense of our great nation, robots will someday be a valued members of our modern society. T F
Neither. The question is flawed. They already are.
3. Tardiness and wrongful or pretend illness are the most costly and terrible things to affect business. T F
False
4. Battlestar Galactica is not awesome. T F
False.
5. You suck. T F
False.
Section Two: Advanced Mathematics
1. What is the square root of Awesome? The same thing as the square root of "awe" multiplied by the square root of "some".
2. Think of a number between 5 and 7 that isn’t 6. 49/8.
3. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is far more popular. (I hope you weren't expecting that dreadful child's joke.)
Section Three: Free Association
What is the first word that enters your mind in response to the following words and phrases?
1. Bears--Grizzly
2. Ninjas--Deadly
3. Battlestar Galactica--Blurry
4. Anime--Lost
5. Beets--Nonexistant
Section Four: Essay Questions
1. Which bear is best? Explain your answer. The polar bear. If the panda or the koala were actually bears, I'd say one of them. As it is, in all my travels, I've never found a type of bear quite so clever as the polar bear. It adapted to its climate quite well and did so while making itself look unlike it actually it. It's all quite intriguing.
2. What would happen if the cast of Battlestar Galactica crash-landed on the Lost island? I only vaguely recall this Battlestar Galactica you keep referencing. I also only vaguely recall Lost. I do know they were both TV shows. Luckily, though, this isn't about what I remember. The answer is hidden in the question. If the cast of that show crashed on the Lost island, I would assume that almost all of them would die either due to impact or injuries sustained therein.
3. Prove in one paragraph or less that you are not secretly a bear or a ninja in disguise. Or some sort of bear/ninja hybrid.
I am human. I could give you a DNA sample to prove it, as I carry one in case of emergency. I am not a ninja, though don't let my speed or martial arts skills fool you. I've never liked using blades and have never lived in Japan. I did fight a few ninjas, though. I hope all that suffices.
Section Five: General Knowledge
1. Who started the fire? God.
2. Other than bears, what is the #1 killer of children between the ages of 5 and 8? From the point I came from and the area I was in, I think he #1 killer was household disturbance.
3. Who should be contacted in the event of a bear attack? I suppose it depends on whether the bear is attacking a person or not. If so, probably the police or local medical authorities. If not, no one.
4. Who is the perfect female? I cannot answer. I don't know at what point in time I am. Therefore, I don't know my options.
5. Is Anne Rice correct, are vampires sissies? Many are. They whine a lot before they die.
6. Who's the guy who wont cop out when there's danger all about? Shaft, if I'm remembering right.
7. Insert your own question here (and answer it)
What's your favorite color? Red. It has been for the longest time.
8. Name three things that can be used to kill a werewolf. Silver and wolfsbane are not acceptable answers.
A psychic assault. A high-yield explosive. The sun. There are other options. I do want to mention this: I once heard from a colleague that they can also be killed by being stabbed by a sharpened apple.
Final Section: Important Personal Information (To be kept in strictest confidence)
1. Secret Identity (If applicable)
At one time, Roy Lincoln was my secret identity. Now that's what everyone knows me by.
2. What weapons do you own and how proficient are you in their use?
My two special abilities of telepathy and super-speed could probably be considered weapons. I am fairly proficient in both, but moreso with my speed. I am a master martial artist, therefore I could be considered a weapon. I also own two guns, one a gift from an old friend (Westinghouse variable-cartridge blaster) and the other a standard laser pistol.
3. Who should be contacted in the case of death or other medical emergency? Dreadstar and Company, assuming they are alive.
4. What sort of salary are you expecting? What am I expecting for this game? Nothing. Odin didn't say anything about a salary.
5. Have you ever met Batman? I've met a few who claimed to be Batman.
6. What was he like? One was generally moody and isolated, but generally calm and likeable. Another was fairly bitter and angry. Yet another one was far too cheery for the role, but had the name anyway. Just note that throughout time, every emotion and social type can be found by searching through Batmen.