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  1. #1

    Default NFL 2016 Season Thread

    All right, we're past free-agency, the draft, OTAs, Training Camp, and Pre-Season...

    Make your predictions for the next three days, because come Thursday, it's NFL KICKOFF.

    (you may get excited now)
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  2. #2

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    WBE's NFL Predictions:

    AFC EAST:
    New England Patriots (12-4): I know, Tom Brady's suspended for four games. I know Ninkovich is gonna sit a few, as well. I know Dion Lewis is already dinged up. I know they traded Chandler Jones. And that will mean the Pats start out 2-2, with losses in their opener to Arizona, and to Houston in Week 3. But then, Tom Brady's gonna come back rips*** pissed off in Week 5 and get a tune up against the lowly Browns, and they're going 10-2 to close the season. Their only hiccups could be an injury to Gronk or Brady that ends their season. There's been no major shakeups in the AFC East to convince me that this division still isn't theirs to lose.

    New York Jets (9-7): The Jets lost a few pieces on defense, in particular, a solid #2 CB who isn't named Darrel Revis, who thus will be the most lonely player in football again. Their D-Line is formidable, but the LB corps will now need some solid scheming by coach Todd Bowles to help in the pass rush (fortunately, that's Bowles' bread and butter). On offense... well, Ryan Fitzpatrick missed almost the entire preseason, the backup is Geno Smith, and Ryan Clady's the new LT protecting the blindside (and Clady's good for one turnstile play a game, so you'd better hope Fitzpatrick doesn't get pulverized). The skill positions on offense don't look awful, with Brandon Marshall and Eric Decker at WR, but they are getting a bit long in the tooth. Same goes for the once dynamic Matt Forte, who was brought in to replace Chris Ivory. Still, this team is going to hover around .500 all year, and under the right circumstances, could find themselves snagging a Wild Card, but I wouldn't guarantee that, by any stretch. The AFC has a lot of teams that are playoff contenders this year, and it's going to be a bit crowded for the Jets to eke in, even at 9 wins.

    Miami Dolphins (7-9): We're a bit too far into the career of Ryan Tannehill to still be asking if he's any good, and the stories about his squabbling with the practice squad team last year whenever they'd pick him off didn't do much to put any confidence in him. Now RB Lamar Miller is gone, and Jay Ajayi is his run support. Oh, and his WR corps is Rishard Matthews, Kenny Stills, and Jarvis Landry. That... that's not so good. The defense is clearly got the talent in the front seven, with Donkey Kong Suh, Cameron Wake, Mario Williams, and Kiko Alonso ready to tee off on the opposition. But they had better get to the QB fast, considering their top cornerback is the weak link in the Legion of Boom, Byron Maxwell. The real battle is going to be in the offseason, when the Dolphins are yet again looking for a new coach, and potentially, a new QB if they decide Tannehill wasn't the franchise QB they hoped for (he's still the best they've had since Marino left, though).

    Buffalo Bills (4-12): Rex Ryan doesn't know his ass from his elbow when it comes to coaching offense, and is likely fantasizing about his wife's feet when they're on the field. The best offensive lineman he's got is ancient bully LG Richie Incognito, who's always one hair away from losing his mind and trying to rip someone's eyeball out. Tyrod Taylor is still under center for a second year (and they already signed him to an extension because they're that desperate since Jim Kelly retired), with E.J. Manuel as his backup, and the only thing that makes either look good, ever, his how ridiculously amazing Sammy Watkins is (I hope that kid escapes Buffalo the minute his rookie deal is up). Shady McCoy and the Ghost of Reggie Bush are the features of the backfield. But the defense... oh no... Rob Ryan is reunited with his brother to coach the defense, and what looked promising going into training camp has gone all to hell. Injuries decimated this defense before the year even started, to where career special-teamer Lamar Alexander is lining up at starting OLB. And while the Ryan brothers were once synonymous with killer defense in the NFL... Rob Ryan is coming off of coaching the D for the New Orleans Saints, who couldn't cover a slice of bread with butter. So good luck with that. At least they have games against the 49ers and Browns on the schedule to not look completely inept.
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  3. #3
    Astonishing Member MRP's Avatar
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    I wonder how many of the NFC East quarterbacks starting week 1 will be their team's starter the final week of the season, or even start 10 games. Eli is the only sure bet barring injury in my mind.

    I am not sure anyone in that division is capable of winning 10 games this season.

    -M

  4. #4
    Astonishing Member MRP's Avatar
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    I also predict 3 of the 4 teams that had the top 4 picks (before trades i.e. Cleveland, SD, Tenn, Dallas) this past draft will also be getting top 4 picks next season. Which three still to be determined.

    -M

  5. #5

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    AFC NORTH:
    Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4): Full disclaimer: I loathe this team, and their multiple sex-offender QB. That doesn't stop the fact that they're one of the scariest teams on offense around said "not guilty by way of paying off the accuser to drop charges" signal caller. It could be a slow start, with the suspension of RB Levon Bell. But Antonio Brown is just ridiculously tough to stop at WR, and then you have Martavius Bryant, Markus Wheaton, and Darius Heyward-Bey is like the fourth or fifth option. The offensive line is stout, with David DeCastro and Maurkice Pouncey as its best. The D comes featuring Cameron Heyward, who's a beast, Lawrence Timmons, and Ryan Shazier running all around the field like a freak. James Harrison is now just a 3rd down pass-rusher, and that's a pretty good luxury to have.If there's a weakness on the defense, it might be the age of guys like William Gay, Will Allen, and Mike Mitchell. Should they lose Big Ben again to injury at some point, though, this division will fall to Cincinnatti.

    Cincinnatti Bengals (11-5) WILD CARD: The Bengals have two of the best tackles in football, and that buys QB Andy Dalton the kinds of time he needs to complete big plays to either WR A.J. Green or TE Tyler Eifert (the latter will miss some early games due to injury, from what I'm hearing). They have two RBs that seem to have fumble-itis at the worst times, and keep ceding each other the job in Giovanni Bernard and Jeremy Hill. Their defense is formidable, but prone to losing its cool (see Burfict, Vontaze, and Jones, Pacman). Its a shame Geno Atkins, one of the best DTs in the league is saddled with those morons in the back end. The Bengals had this division last year, but that was with Big Ben missing a lot of time in Pittsburgh. I don't see them advancing far in the playoffs, because, hell, Marvin Lewis is 0-7, and this team still has all the guys who choked away a win last year on the squad. Whether they repeat as division champs or are the Wild Card, they're fodder for teams like the Patriots, Texans, and Steelers.

    Baltimore Ravens (6-10): They can't pick a RB and just cut Justin Forsett to try and sign him for cheaper. Their LT is campaigning to let players legalize weed. Their best DE is whatever the Frankenstein's monster of ligaments that is Terrell Suggs lines up for them. They still haven't really replaced Ray Lewis (and really, how can you just expect to do that?). Their best WR is Steve Smith, who's really only sticking around to break 1000 receptions for his career, if his spine holds up. Joe Flacco is not elite. The good news? They still get to play the Browns twice and pad their win total.

    Cleveland Browns (3-13): RGIII completed a few long passes to non-stop addict Josh Gordon in the pre-season, and people by the Dawg Pound are wondering if they'll sneak into the playoffs. Heh. No. You have a few players that might help some fantasy teams in Gary Barnidge (assuming he's not a 1 year wonder) and Duke Johnson on offense, and Josh Gordon will still be serving a suspension until at least October, assuming he doesn't fail another drug test in between now and then. The offensive line remains the broken-down spirit of Joe Thomas and four tackling dummies. The defense has Danny Shelton and... that's about it. This team has the lowest rating in Madden '17, and I agree why. The only good news is they finally realized you should cut guys more focused on drugs than football from the team (well, Manziel, anyway), and they'll have two first round picks next year because Philadelphia got bonered up for Carson Wentz. Hell, if Philly's as bad as I think they'll be, and so's Cleveland, they could have two Top Ten picks, maybe even two in the Top Five. But watch, they'll draft a kicker and a punter, because Browns.
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  6. #6
    Old school comic book fan WestPhillyPunisher's Avatar
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    Okay, I'll play:

    AFC EAST
    New England, 11-5
    New York Jets, 8-8
    Miami, 7-9
    Buffalo, 7-9

    AFC NORTH
    Pittsburgh, 10-6
    Baltimore, 9-7
    Cincinnati, 9-7
    Cleveland, 5-11

    AFC SOUTH
    Indianapolis, 10-6
    Houston, 9-7
    Jacksonville, 7-9
    Tennessee, 6-10

    AFC WEST
    Denver, 10-6
    Kansas City, 10-6
    Oakland, 7-9
    San Diego, 5-11

    NFC EAST
    Washington, 9-7
    New York Giants, 8-8
    Philadelphia, 7-9
    Dallas, 6-10

    NFC NORTH
    Minnesota, 10-6
    Green Bay, 10-6
    Detroit, 6-10
    Chicago, 6-10

    NFC SOUTH
    Carolina, 11-5
    New Orleans, 8-8
    Atlanta, 8-8
    Tampa Bay, 7-9

    NFC WEST
    Seattle, 10-6
    Arizona, 10-6
    Los Angeles, 6-10
    San Francisco, 6-10
    Avatar: Here's to the late, great Steve Dillon. Best. Punisher. Artist. EVER!

  7. #7

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    AFC SOUTH:
    Houston Texans (10-6): The main obstacle for Houston the past several years has been the need for a franchise QB. Is Brock Osweiler that guy? Jury's still out, but he can't be worse than some of the scrubs the Texans have fielded the past several years. He's got a top-flight WR in Deandre Hopkins to make him look good, and Jaelen Strong is not a bad #2 option, either. Houston's running game has capable backs like the recently signed Lamar Miller, and Alfred Blue, finally having parted ways with Arian Foster. But the talent at the skill positions might not matter if the O-Line doesn't block up front. J.J. Watt is already dinged up, but there's still a lot to like about the Texans' defense, that is packing Vince Wilfork and Devon Still up front, and a front seven that also has Whitney Mercilus (an awesome football name) and Brian Cushing. One of the big question marks still remains JaDaveon Clowney, though, and if he'll ever live up to his potential, especially given the talent he's on the field with (signs are pointing towards no). Houston won this division last year, and made a few upgrades that should allow them to hold on to the top spot.

    Indianapolis Colts (9-7): It makes me angry to think about the Colts, and I like Indy. They were fortunate enough to stumble upon a once-in-a-generation talent at QB in Peyton Manning in the draft, and then they booted the man who drafted him, Bill Polian (who made sure to steer clear of Ryan Leaf) and rode him to double-digit wins for virtually his entire career with the Colts, but only manage one Super Bowl out of that stretch because their defense couldn't stop elementary school crossing guard traffic in the playoffs. Then, the year Manning's out with a busted neck, they go 2-14, which just so happens to be the "Suck for Luck" sweepstakes year, and they supplant Peyton for another once-in-a-generation talent. So is there a Super Bowl in the works for Indy? No, because they don't have much in the way of a defense... OR an offensive line. Andrew Luck's neck is going to look like Manning's in no time, because he's got a few wads of wet tissue paper strategically placed in front of him to hold back division opponents with J.J. Watt and Dante Fowler. At least they drafted a center, though, so no one will come up the middle to put Luck's head on a pike. When he's not getting roughed up by DEs coming off the edge, he does have T.Y. Hilton and Donte Moncrief to throw to, at least. But Indy made no upgrades in the offseason, and has decided to stick with a well-tread Frank Gore at RB. Robert Mathis is somehow the last defensive player with any real talent left on the Colts' roster, and you kind of need more than one old guy to do any damage. The Colts should fare better than last year, but I don't see them reclaiming the division crown without Houston being hit with an injury bug.

    Jacksonville Jaguars (8-8): I can't believe I'm saying this, but... the Jaguars should be a young fun team to watch. I know, I know... they're the Jags, but bear with me. Blake Bortles isn't horrible. He's not great, but he's a hell of a lot better than say, Blaine Gabbert or any of the other jokers who have lined up under center in Jacksonville. He's got two of the best young WRs in Allen Robinson and Allen Hurns to throw to, and his backfield has talent in it like Chris Ivory, T.J. Yeldon and Denard Robinson (who thankfully didn't drown in that swamp). Julius Thomas is a pretty good option at TE, at that. The offensive line... might be suspect. Former #1 draft pick at LT Luke Joeckel got moved inside to guard, perhaps a final concession that he was a bust. But still, they have a lot of talent at the skill positions that's easy to be excited about. And the defense... there's a lot of high draft picks on this side of the ball... Dante Fowler's healthy. Jalen Ramsey may be the best player from the 2016 draft, even where he was taken at #5 overall. Malik Jackson's pretty solid up front, and Jared Odrick isn't that bad at DE, either. I can't believe I'm saying this... but I think the Jags might go .500 this year. You may now fit me for a straightjacket.

    Tennessee Titans (6-10): They're going to be better. I mean, I like their O-Line, with Taylor Lewan and Chance Warmack. I think Marcus Mariota's going to be a serviceable QB or better in the pros. Their RB corps has DeMarco Murray with Derrick Henry backing him up. Delanie Walker's one of the more underrated TEs in the NFL. At WR... they leave a little bit to be desired. On defense... that's where I have my reservations. The biggest name they have is Brian Orakpo at LB, and he's notorious for missing half a season or more with injuries. That... hardly makes me pencil them in as a threat to win this division, which is far more competitive now than it was a few years ago.
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  8. #8

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    AFC WEST:
    Oakland Raiders (10-6): Derek Carr looks like the real deal. He's got Amari Cooper to throw to, who is definitely the real deal, and if you focus on him, you probably left Michael Crabtree open, which is a bad idea. They have Latavius Murray at RB, who can deliver in the clutch. The defense... a little bit of Khalil Mack goes a long way. That kid is a monster. Signing Bruce Irvin to play with him adds another threat to keep track of on this defense, whose one weakness is perhaps the secondary. This division is anyone's for the taking, really, and I'm going out on a lark and thinking this is the year that the Raidahs finally end up back on top. Assuming their talent at the skill positions can stay healthy, of course.

    Kansas City Chiefs (10-6) WILD CARD: Part time Kool-Aid man Andy Reid finally got a WR in Jeremy Maclin for Alex Smith to throw to, and sometimes they even dare to throw more than 20 yards at a time now. It's still much more likely on any play that he'll call for a short pass to TE Travis Kelce or a screen to Jamaal Charles, Chandcarick West, Knile Davis, or any of the endless lines of talented RBs the Chiefs always seem to have. The O-Line is usually better than average, and FB Anthony Sherman is an old-school lead-blocker who paves the way for the run game, as well. On defense... that's where KC is really impressive. Justin Houston (when he's healthy) paired with Tamba Hali are two of the best tandem pass-rushers in the NFL. With NT Dontari Poe clogging the middle... well, Kansas City's playoff chances look alright. Not that they'll be going far in them, of course. This team is not a Super Bowl contender. But they'll have to play their asses off, because the AFC has a lot of teams that are right on the precipice of overtaking them and getting into the postseason.

    Denver Broncos (8-8): Yes, Peyton Manning was almost done, with a wet noodle for an arm. But his brain was good enough to game-manage a scary Denver Defense, led by Von Miller, to the Super Bowl. Well, Peyton's gone. His backup who started a handful of games is also gone, and the team's faith has been placed in Trevor Siemian, who played college ball at the powerhouse school of Northwestern. Uh... yeah, you still have DeMaryius Thomas and Emmanuel Sanders, but unless you run end-arounds, they're not getting the ball much. And for those who think "the defense is still intact, they'll be fine..." I have to point out that they lost Omar Bolden, Danny Trevathan, and Malik Jackson. They also lost former Pro-Bowler Evan Mathis from the O-Line. I don't want the Broncos to fall backwards, but man, it's in the tea leaves. Enjoy your Super Bowl, and don't expect a dynasty, with all the parts you lost.

    San Diego Chargers (6-10): Phillip Rivers is pretty damned good, which is a good think, because he is one of the most unlikable SOBs I've ever seen play live. I don't even think any of his eight-odd children like him, and the best gift his teammates could get him is a vasectomy, at this point. But I digress. Keenan Allen is likely to face double-teams all year, which might mean Travis Benjamin has a good start to the season until defenses remember he should have been way better, but was stuck in Cleveland for the first four years of his career. The shambling corpse of Antonio Gates remains the Bolts' tight end, and the backfield... okay, now we're talking. Melvin Gordon didn't score a touchdown as a rookie, pretty sure he can do nothing but improve in year two. He'll still share carries with both Danny Woodhead and Brandon Oliver, though, so don't go drafting him high in any fantasy league you're in. I think they have to rotate each of them in for 1/3 the downs because they don't want to have to speak to Phillip Rivers in the huddle any more than that. San Diego's defense... is not so bueno. Manti Te'o and his girlfriend are the heart of this D, after management chased safety Eric Weddle out of town. Honestly, I honestly question why anyone would play for the Spanos family, at this point. They're not just disloyal to the players, but the entire city of San Diego, which my friend Ron Burgundy tells me is Spanish for "whale's vagina".
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  9. #9

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    NFC EAST:
    New York Giants (9-7): Tom Coughlin is gone, but don't expect a "new regime" considering the Mara family promoted Bob McAdoo and kept virtually the entire coaching staff from last season's squad. Eli Manning, OBJ, and Victor Cruz are the heart of the offense, and Rashard Jennings is a solid, but not great option at RB. The offense line is still a bit spotty, compared to some years past, but should be able to buy just enough time for Eli to avoid getting his legendary derp-face planted into the turf before he can get the ball off. This offseason, the Giants spent big, big money on the defense in free agency, bringing in Olivier Vernon to help their pass rush, which is a good idea, because their other defensive end now cosplays as half a lobster because he likes fireworks too much. They also snagged Janoris Jenkins for their secondary, which is a big upgrade over Prince Amakamura, who played like the Artist formerly known as Prince. And I mean the deceased version of that rock star (Amakamura was awful). The NFC East, amazingly, has not had a repeat champion since the Eagles' domination of it from 2001-2004. I have no faith in any of the teams in the NFC (L)East to do anything in the playoffs, at all, and hardly expect any year-to-year consistency from them at this point. The only team I can see unseating Washington is New York... so they're my pick.

    Washington R******s (7-9): YOU LIKE THAT!?!? No, not really, Kirk Cousins. Your team made the playoffs last year without beating a single team with a winning record to get to 9-7. Also, your owner is a total douchebag, and defends the racist nickname of your historically racist franchise. But hey, let's stick to the on-the-field stuff. Credit where it's due, your team signed Josh Norman when Carolina inexplicably franchise-tagged him, then turned around and cut him. He is easily the best player on your defense now, but to be honest, that's not saying much because Chris Culliver or Ricky Jean-Francois are the second-best. Anyway, it's not like Washington to overpay a free agent on defense who never lives up to the hype, right? *cough*HAYNESWORTH*cough* Anyway, Kirk Cousins, the chosen prodigal son who will make you wish you never got rid of RGIII around say Week 8, has solid talent at TE and receiver, like Jordan Reed, DeSean Jackson, and Pierre Garcon. Matt Jones is an underrated back, but he did have a down year in his second year of the league, only to come back a bit in year 3. Washington's biggest boon for making the playoffs is that the rest of this division is garbage now, due to circumstances beyond their control. I don't believe their management is smart enough to capitalize on the ineptitude of the competition for a second straight NFC Least title, though.

    Dallas Cowboys (6-10): Jerrah's team! And what a team it is! I heard pundits saying this would be the year Romo would get his turn, and get a Super Bowl. I shook my head and laughed, thinking he'd only get a division title, and would be lucky to stay in one piece. Seriously, Tony Romo is a human Mr. Potato Head, whenever he gets hit, parts go scattering in every direction on the field. Coming off a broken collarbone, he lasted all of three preseason plays before he broke his back, which he previously broke in a far-less scary way a couple years ago. Now we've got the word of Cowboys training staff that he'll be back in 6-10 weeks. Wait, make that 8-10 weeks. Wait, make that 8-12 weeks. WAIT, WHO ARE THESE MEN WHO JERRY JONES CLAIMS HAVE MEDICAL DEGREES? I am more fascinated by the statistics produced for recovery times by Jerrah and Dallas team doctors for "miraculous recoveries" only to see Dez Bryant take the field gimping around with a broken wheel, Jason Witten with a broken rib still stabbing into his lung, or Romo coming out in a neck brace like someone suing for whiplash. But back to the on-the-field part... Dallas will play at least half their season with rookie signal caller Dak Prescott, who has looked outstanding in preseason, but then again, has been playing against vanilla second-string defenses. We'll see how he does when people actually, y'know, blitz him at NFL speeds. Dallas still has one of the best offensive lines in football, which should be a boon to another rookie, RB Ezekiel Elliott. Look for Dez Bryant to mostly lead the lead in sideline sulking, this year, while they try to run their way to a division title. Just one thing... you can win in the NFL with a run game and a defense, right? The Cowboys defense is serving more suspensions than Josh Gordon and Justin Blackmon right now (and that's a lot). Even if the offense is fine with Dak Prescott until Romo makes it back, they have to play on the other side of the ball. And those suspended guys were hardly Pro-Bowlers to begin with. Enjoy this nightmare on your giant Jumbotron, Cowboys fans!

    Philadelphia Eagles (4-12): I am so, so, sorry. I would rather pick Washington or Dallas to be the last place team in the NFC East, but... Jesus Christ, the Eagles. Chip Kelly f***ed this franchise into the ground faster than you can say hurry-up offense. The great skill talent like Maclin, McCoy, and Jackson? Gone. QB went from "promising young Nick Foles" to "Sam Bradford, WAIT HE WANTS OUTTA HERE UM... Carson Wentz, maybe?" Yeah, your starting QB is a rookie who played a one quarter of one preseason game before he got broken ribs, he's lining up behind a team who have lost both starting tackles for at least half the season to suspension or injury, and the level of talent he's used to was at North Dakota State. His backup or starter, depending on who you ask, is Chase Daniel, who couldn't even move up the depth chart over Alex Smith in KC. Your offense is going to consist of dump-offs to Brent Celek, Zack Ertz, Jordan Matthews, and Darren Sproles and praying to Jesus that they can shrug off enough tackles to move the sticks. Fletcher Cox, Connor Barwin, and DeMeco Ryans are the heart of this defense, and hopefully they get to opposing quarterbacks before this secondary gets carved up like a ham. Worse yet, what would be a Top Five pick in the draft... you traded to Cleveland. The one you're getting instead, from Minnesota, will likely be somewhere in the teens or early twenties of the first round. Because Wentz.
    Last edited by worstblogever; 09-06-2016 at 03:11 AM.
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  10. #10

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    NFC NORTH:
    Green Bay Packers (11-5): Aaron Rodgers threw a pass into orbit last year, and it fell back to earth upon re-entry to complete a Hail Mary to beat Detroit. He's Brett Favre with fewer interceptions and less d***-pics. (And if you were dating Olivia Munn, you'd probably avoid harassing interns, too.) Eddie Lacy is no longer "fat" but in the category of "maybe not fat anymore", which bodes well for the Packers' run game. Randall Cobb and Jordy Nelson are both back at WR, so Davante Adams will get fewer targets, and thus, drops. While the Packers' defense, coached by Dom Capers remains suspect only because it's coached by a blitz-happy lunatic like Dom Capers, no lead Green Bay has is safe. Still, an aging Clay Matthews and Julius Peppers will rush opposing QBs while a secondary featuring Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix (one of the greatest football names ever), Sam Shields, and Damarious Randall should be able to stall opposing passing attacks. Whether or not they can stop the run now that B.J. Raji is taking a year off is the question. Still, a lot of injuries and mishaps make the NFC North the Packers' division to lose.

    Chicago Bears (8-8): Don't look now, but Chicago might sneak up on people. Jay Cutler remains, along with Phillip Rivers, one of the most unlikable pricks under center in the NFL. He chews out his own lineman on the sidelines and embarrasses them on national television, which is a surefire way to get them to save your ass from a pass rush. The only statistic Cutler leads the league in his unvaccinated children. But hey, he's got Alshon Jeffrey and Kevin White at WR to throw to. So why does he seem so insufferable and unhappy all the time? There are QBs who would give their eyed teeth to have that kind of talent to throw to. The Bears also have Jeremy Langford at RB, who showed enough promise that they moved on from Matt Forte last season. On defense... well, very quietly, the Bears signed Danny Trevathan and Omar Bolden away from the Super Bowl champs. This still is far removed from the '85 Bears defense, or hell, even the Bears defense under Brian Urlacher, in terms of potential. But don't be surprised if come the end of the season, if the Bears nab the #6 seed and are in the playoffs as a Wild Card.

    Minnesota Vikings (7-9): Adrian Peterson plays angry. Like he's mad at his kids, or something. Oh, wait... Anyway, Peterson knew he was going to carry the Vikings offense AGAIN this season, because Teddy Bridgewater's arm is a full bottle of weak-sauce. More of 8 men in the box, but hey, at least there's a game manager who can complete some throws... And then, the Vikings' karma for doing little to nothing about employing a child abuser kicked in when Teddy Bridgewater had his knee spontaneously get deboned, and the femur separated from the tibia completely. Near-amputation. Sweet jesus, the only good thing about that injury was that it happened in practice in a non-contact drill and not in ******action, because that would be the new Joe Theismann film. The Vikings, for whatever reason thinking they have a championship window, immediately traded a 1st and 4th rounder for Sam Bradford, who has a mediocre career QB rating of 86.4, and has missed 33 games in 6 NFL seasons, only completing a full year in two of the six. Also, he missed most of his final year of college due to injury. Now they're expecting him to come in, learn the offense (admittedly, "give the ball to AP" is not the most complicated) and lead this team into the playoffs without getting hurt in one of the coldest, most brutal divisions in the league, so they can choke away that playoff game on a chip shot field goal. It's a damned shame, because their defense is also young and talented with guys like Sharrif Floyd, Linval Joseph, and Anthony Barr, but the story of Minnesota's season will likely be around the desperate Bradford trade. Could be worse, though. We could still be talking about AP whacking his pre-kindergarten kid in the nuts with a switch.

    Detroit Lions (5-11): We're going to find out how much of Matthew Stafford's success was because of Calvin Johnson this year, all right. For the second time, a future Hall of Famer walked away from playing football far earlier than expected because continuing to do so would mean they would have to continue to play for the Lions. First Barry Sanders, now Megatron. An 0-16 season somehow didn't crush those men's souls, it was the entire experience of being a part of the franchise that did it. Stafford's targets are now Golden Tate (who no longer will avoid double-coverage because it was on Megatron all the time), Marvin Jones, and the cybernetic organism still somehow playing football known as Anquan Boldin (he's a machine). Detroit's running back is Ameer Abdullah, who is more fumble prone than Edward Scissorhands. DeAndre Levy is far and away the best part of the Detroit defense, with Ezekial Ansah "still learning" how to play defensive end after getting a very late start into playing football. Sad news Lions fans... you're likely back to double-digit losses again. Were you in the NFC East, you might have a shot at the playoffs, but alas, that is not the case.
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  11. #11

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    AFC SOUTH:
    Carolina Panthers (11-5): Four wins less than last year... how can I justify that? You might scoff and be thinking, "They really only lost Josh Norman." I'm nodding, and agreeing that the Panthers should be mostly reloaded. But there's a statistic from 2016 I don't think they'll repeat with... turnovers. They led the league in turnovers, and it took them all the way to the Super Bowl, where they sadly, did not win the turnover battle or the game. Teams who dominate in this category each year can have lightning-in-a-bottle success. The Packers and Saints make the playoffs every year, sure... but their Super Bowl teams led the league in turnovers. The next year, they went from being juggernauts to just playoff teams. It's a capricious factor in success. So when Carolina went 15-1, they won a lot of close games, and they had a lot of games where their defense was getting sacks with fumbles, and INTs. Now, that's hard to reproduce under normal conditions, but take away an elite shutdown CB. Carolina still has a dominant, legitimately scary front 7, and Cam Newton will finally get to throw to Kelvin Benjamin. They're winning this division, barring injuries, and maybe even with some.

    New Orleans Saints (9-7) WILD CARD: DREW BREES! I could watch him throw to Brandin Cooks all day long. They also have Willie Snead, who's no slouch, plus Coby Fleener at TE. the RBs feature Mark Ingram, but have veterans like C.J. Spiller. Every year, you get 5000 yards out of Brees, give or take about 300 yards. The problem has been that no one in New Orleans has played defense since the team stopped incentivizing injuring opposing players. Rob Ryan and his mullet were run out of town last year because he had this team playing pinball every Sunday, and now the defensive coordinator is former Raiders coach Dennis Allen. If he can get them to stop someone on 3rd down, New Orleans is my #6 seed in the NFC. If he can't, I give the nod to Chicago.

    Atlanta Falcons (7-9): Speaking of NFC South teams who forget to play defense, we have the Atlanta Falcons. They drafted Vic Beasley Jr. to play weakside linebacker... that should help with a pass rush. Unfortunately, they have Sean Witherspoon playing strongside LB again, which is a bad sign because he spent all of one year in Arizona and never managed to crack their starting lineup, getting only 9 tackles and 0 sacks in 14 games. It sure will be entertaining to watch them play the Saints, though, and see Brees and Matt Ryan take turns chucking deep to star wide receivers (Julio Jones is a quality fantasy football pick, if you weren't aware). Atlanta actually had a decent running game last year for the first time since Michael Turner's prime last year, but Devonta Freeman's early success trailed off in the second half, for whatever reason (first 8 games 709 yards, only 352 in his last 8). It's probably for the best that Atlanta doesn't make the playoffs though, so we don't get another example of how the nickname "Matty Ice" is actually ironic.

    Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-10): Your quarterback is a 2nd year accused sexual predator and confirmed crab burglar named Jameis Winston. Unlike many rookie QBs, he was given the benefit of two quality WRs in Mike Evans and Vincent Jackson, and had Doug Martin, an unfortunately nicknamed RB (Muscle Hamster, Goddamnit, John Gruden) to help him succeed. Winston did not totally throw up all over himself, and is considered to be a promising franchise QB. Then again, so was RGIII and Colin Kaepernick after one season of starting, so don't book him for the Hall of Fame just yet. We'll still see if he can avoid off-the-field shenanigans, as well, because... well, let's be honest, this guy is used to getting away with whatever he wants. Lavonte David admirably anchors a sub-par Tampa Bay defense, which consists mostly of spare parts signed in free agency from other teams. And, our one exception in discussing teams... this year Tampa Bay spent a 3rd round draft pick on a kicker, and people laughed at them a little. Then in the preseason, Roberto Aguayo, said kicker, started missing a bunch of kicks, to boot. Three in one game, in fact. He thankfully went out and went 6 for 6 in another game... but that situation does not bode well. Oh, also, new coach Dirk Koetter hates talking to the media, so that will be fun when this team struggles.
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  12. #12
    Incredible Member Jackmando7's Avatar
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    Steelers 16 - 0
    Ravens F 'em
    Bangles F 'em
    Browns F 'em

  13. #13
    New old guy Surf's Avatar
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    YES! Finally, OK I won't do the WBE breakdown, I just don't have that much interest in the NFC South and I like my math to balance out for the 256 games in the regular season so I'll predict division winners.

    NFC
    North- Packers, everyone else will struggle for relevance. Colts play the North this year and I'm predicting a sweep of this division.
    South- I have no reason to feel the reigning NFC Champions won't repeat but the schedule will be harder and I still say they win 11 or 12 games. That said Jaemis Winston is the real mf'n deal, they may win 9 games and push the Panthers
    East- Whoo boi. I'm a closet Giants fan and I think Eli still has something to prove under the 2nd year in Coughlin-less Giants. Defense looks to improve, gimmie the Giants as winners of the least w/ 10 games.
    West- Hawks are it till they ain't

    AFC
    North- Stillers. I hate em' but I don't see much offense from the rest of the jabronis.

    South- Your Indianapolis Colts I think are going to be hard pressed to win the division this season. Injuries have kicked this team in the nuts so far but the schedule gets a bit tougher later in the season and we should have quite a few guys back by the time shit gets real. We come and go by Luck but the Oline didn't give us much reason to feel fuzzy against the Eagles in the preseason. New rookie center got his ass pushed around and our only constant player on the line Anthony Castonzo has been outright bad since he got paid a season ago. Luck gets his bell rung and heads are going to roll, secondary is weak but last season the Colts did pretty well against the run and if we can get some semblance of decent LB play we can hang as the only real tough opponent the first half is a road game in Denver. I think the biggest push against winning the South will be from the Texans. I'm not sure they know how to win yet but between the Jags and Mularky who is a fossil I'm pretty sure by default the Texans can peel off 8 or 9 wins. So for now I'm saying the good guys win 10 games, Stillers is a loss, not sure about Denver and the Jets ALWAYS give the Colts fits and maybe a split with the Texans. Either way I say Indy makes the playoffs and then I'll take their chances against the field outside of NE or Pittsburgh.

    East- Dirty Stinking Pats
    West- I'm always pro-Oakland, early on at least but I feel they can take this division but will they? The Broncos QB problems are going to be be a bigger issue that I think Elway realizes. Raiders is my pick to just edge out the Donks winning 9 games.
    Beefing up the old home security, huh?
    You bet yer ass.

  14. #14

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    NFC WEST:
    Arizona Cardinals (13-3): Arizona is LOADED. They're 5 deep at receiver. Hell, they were six-deep and had to cut Britten Golden. Carson Palmer was playing at a Top Ten QB level last year, until a finger injury late in the year hampered him. At RB, they're stocked, with David Johnson (amazing rookie year), Chris Johnson, and Andre Ellington as a hell of a 3-headed monster. They upgraded the O-Line, replacing Bobby Massie at RT with last year's first round pick, D.J. Humphries (who's not as prone to that one turnstile play a game that made Massie a liability), and signing Evan Mathis from the Broncos at RG. They were the #1 offense last year, and actually, on paper, improved somehow. That's a scary thought. Almost as scary as this team still losing Carson Palmer to injury again, which can happen considering they have games AT Carolina (Star Loutoulei, Kawann Short) at Miami (Donkey Kong Suh's crazy ass), 2 against Seattle (not slouches), 2 against the Rams (Donald, Brockers, and Quinn), and they get the Jets (a solid front seven). If this team doesn't repeat that 13-3 record, it will be solely because they didn't keep Palmer healthy all year. End of story. Defensivelly... LOADED. They have 8 quality defensive linemen in a 3-4 defense, including new pass rusher Chandler Jones, and monster rookie Robert Nkemdiche. That's with Calais Campbell already out there and a lot of other young, fresh talent. They're admittedly a little thin at MLB, carrying only two true at that position and playing Deone Bucannon as the "dollar backer", when he's really a safety. Arizona's secondary has two Pro-Bowlers in Tyrann Mathieu and Patrick Peterson. They signed Tyvon Branch to play a safety spot with Tony Jefferson. However, a big weakness will be that #2 CB spot. Justin Bethel got a tryout last year, and was getting burned pretty regularly with being targeted so much, and rookie Brandon Williams is too raw to handle it on his own (only played 1 year at corner in college), and Arizona traded a conditional draft pick to Kansas City to get Marcus Cooper just last week. If their defense has a weakness, it's #2 corner (and that will give their die-hard fans flashbacks, because it was playing Aaron Francisco as a #2 corner back in 2009 that allowed Pittsburgh to come back in the Super Bowl).

    Seattle Seahawks (12-4): LEGION OF BOOM. Well, sorta. Maybe a bit of a step down at #2 corner behind Richard Sherman, but otherwise, the secondary is still legendary. They have Bobby Wagner, too, a highly coveted LB... but this defense is now lacking Irvin rushing the passer. Maybe not the worst loss possible, but still a step down. On offense, Beast Mode retired, and Thomas Rawls is now officially the heir apparent going into this year. Big shoes to fill, to be sure. Other than that, they also lost LT Russell Okung to the Broncos in free agency, which could affect things. If Seattle struggles, I'm predicting people blame any dropoff in their offense on Ciara putting out for Russell Wilson, because football fans are stupid like that (if you don't believe me, remember it happened when Green Bay had a lull in the middle of last year, and people were acting like Olivia Munn's poon had a gypsy curse on it or something. I am not making that up.)

    Los Angeles Rams (6-10): Jeff Fisher has some sort of a deal with Satan to keep coaching, I swear. Based off of that one time where he almost took the Tennessee Titans to a Super Bowl victory and came up a yard short, he had a long leash in Tennessee for a long, long time, and was once the NFL's longest tenured coach while there. Since coming to the Rams, he barely manages to approach .500 in any season, but seems to be in no danger of getting the boot. What's the deal? Well, to his credit, he manages to coach his way to a victory or even two a year away from the Seahawks, which goes a long way these days. Mind you, the Rams team is just perfectly designed to take that team down. Their formula? Keep running the ball. Again. And Again. And Again. It's not that he's afraid of the Legion of Boom, though. Jeff Fisher just knows he's had trash for QBs since he arrived, and no WRs worth a damn, either. His team is built on offensive linemen, and defensive lineman. In the trenches, the game shall be won, they say! At least, they did until the forward pass was invented. This year's offense should continue that trend, with Case Keenum starting for the Rams, and Jared Goff (who was ass in the preseason) backing him up. Your best WR remains Tavon Austin, who is best used on end-arounds or trick plays, rather than as a receiver. What that means is, expect a LOT of Todd Gurley getting the rock. The defensive line of the Rams is one of, if not the best front fours in the NFL, with William Hayes, Robert Brockers, Aaron Donald, and Robert Quinn lining up. The Rams will win some games, but without a viable QB, they are not getting into the playoffs. Especially not with the two teams ahead of them in this division.

    San Francisco 49ers (2-14): Trent Baalke and Jed York right f***ed this team fast, didn't they? The legendary clash of egos that sent Jim Harbaugh off to go coach the Michigan Wolverines was part one, part two was an exodus of Pro-Bowl players via free agency, early retirement, and repeated suspensions that left the cupboard almost bare. Oh, and somehow once franchise savior QB Colin Kaepernick is now a backup who will be more talked about for whether or not he's patriotic enough while he brings attention to the issue of social justice (which is nice and all, but we still think he looks like Squidward). What's left from the "glory days" of all of two years ago? Joe Staley at LT, Quinton Patton (not a good thing), Trumaine Brock (their 3rd best corner at the time), Ahmad Brooks, and half of Navarro Bowman, with the other half still being scraped up from the field from his knee injury. That literally is it. The turnover in San Francisco has been that extensive, and it shows on the field. Blaine Gabbert is your QB now, who could only manage 2-4 wins in Jacksonville, and now he's got to hope he has enough time to chuck the ball to Torrey Smith, who will always be double-covered, as he's the only real receiving threat this team has. Other than that, Carlos Hyde is going to be given the ball far more than any one RB should be given, and asked to perform miracles that even Frank Gore in his prime couldn't. I honestly believe this team could be in the running for the worst in the NFL this year, what with a big locker-room distraction in the background, and a lack of on-the-field talent. It seems fitting they'll have the #1 pick in the draft for the first time since they drafted Alex Smith, and this will be another year where no solid franchise QBs are believed to be coming out of the college ranks. After a three year run of being in the NFL's elite, 49ers fans were insufferable, going into visiting stadiums to shout, "WHO'S GOT IT BETTER THAN US? NOBODY!" Well, guess what, now the answer will be "JUST ABOUT EVERYBODY." And that's amazing. I was at SF vs. AZ last year, in the 47-7 drubbing the 49errs took early in the year, and watched the same 49ers faithful who hadn't hopped off the bandwagon they came from when the Raiders started sucking yet, only to watch them dejectedly shuffle out the doors in the 3rd quarter, when the humiliation grew too great to endure. In the restrooms at University of Phoenix Stadium, there were grown men in tears shouting, "F***" as they used the urinals, unable to contain their emotions at seeing their team utterly humbled and hoping no one would notice. The schadenfreude was one of the highlights of the season, hands down. Good luck waiting for another good coach, guys, and hope your egomaniac GM and owner don't chase him away, too.
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  15. #15
    Fighting Injustice on CBR SUPERECWFAN1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by worstblogever View Post
    NFC EAST:
    His backup or starter, depending on who you ask, is Chase Daniel, who couldn't even move up the depth chart over Alex Smith in KC. [/QUOTE]

    He was never gonna be the starter given the fact he was signed as a backup QB. Reid's 1st move was to bring in Daniel who was already a backup in New Orleans after he traded a 2nd round pick for Alex Smith. I mean this is like saying , "Daniel never moved up over Sam Bradford..." Even though the organization had pretty much said , this is THE GUY and your the backup clearly. And with Alex , the team won games ...so its not like Daniel was gonna see the field with a winning QB who doesn't make much mistakes.

    The Eagles handed Daniel $7+ million as Pederson expected him to be the starter and run the system he had been in the last 3 years. Instead , we saw what happened.
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